Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

For Better or Worse

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

[Shammu]

Housewives Woes!!

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
     
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
     
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
     
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
     
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
     
"No, this is 223-1375."
     
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
     
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"      

[Shammu]

Atheist Proposal

A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
     
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
     
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
     
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[Shammu]

Imperfection

I once heard the story of a pastor who was preaching the truth that no one is perfect. To prove his point he asked for anyone who was perfect to stand up.
     
One man stood up in the middle of the congregation.
     
The pastor asked, "Do you really think you are perfect?"
     
The man replied, "Oh no! I'm not perfect. I'm standing up on behalf of my wife's first husband!"

[Shammu]

A Spectacular Job

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
     
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
     
"Poof!!!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

[Shammu]

Biblical Wives Complaints

Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!!"
     
Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!!" (Gen 12:19)
     
Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!!!"
     
Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!!"
     
David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!!"
     

[Shammu]

More Biblical Wives Complaints

Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs"

Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!!" (Luke 1:44)
     
Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!!"
     
Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!!"
     
And the number one complaint made by a biblical wife is:
     
Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?andquot; How do you feel now andquot;Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public!" (Mat 27:19

[Shammu]

The Best Price

A man and wife rushed into a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or numbing cream or anything because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
     
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
     
"The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Shammu]

Addicted to Quilting

She learned to quilt on Monday.
Her stitches all were very fine.
She forgot to thaw out dinner.
So we went out to dine.
     
She quilted miniatures on Tuesday.
She says they are a must.
They really were quite lovely.
But she forgot to dust.
     
On Wednesday it was a sampler.
She says stippling's fun.
What highlights! What Shadows!
But the laundry wasn't done.
     
Nine patches were on Thursday -
Green, yellow, blue and red.
I guess she really was engrossed;
She never made the bed.
     
It was wall hangings on Friday,
In colors she adores.
It never bothered her at all,
That crumbs were on the floors.
     
I found a maid on Saturday,
My week is now complete.
My wife can quilt the hours away;
The house will still be neat.
     
Well, now it's only Sunday,
I think I'm about to wilt.
I cursed, I raved, I ranted,
Cause the MAID has learned to QUILT!!!!!!!!!!!~

[Shammu]

Going to Bed

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
     
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
     
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
     
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
     
Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
     
"I'm on my way," she said.
     
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
     
In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
     
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

[Shammu]

A Bad Upgrade

        Dear Technical Support,
     
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
     
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishing weekend 10.3 and Bowling bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
     
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
     
        Jonathan Powell
     
        To: Mr. Powell
     
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.
     
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.
     
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
     
The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
     
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.
     
Tech Support

[Shammu]

Tattle Tale Wife

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
     
"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.
     
The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."
     
The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."
     
That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.
     
"No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver's wife.
     
"Stupid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?"
     
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
     
"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."

[Shammu]

Where Have You Been

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
     
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
     
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
     
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.   

[nChrist]

 

Thanks for the laughs.

[Shammu]

Thanks for the laughs.

Your welcome brother