Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

A Happy World

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.
     
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."
     
Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."
     
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."
     
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

[Shammu]

Improvements

The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress.
     
"Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products -- you have seen all his progress and his problems."
     
The Chief nodded "Yes".
     
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
     
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
     
"When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives--we kill cheaters."
     
The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

[Shammu]

What's He Going To Be

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test.
     
They put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
     
The father told his wife, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard."
     
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left.
     
Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
     
After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm.
     
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
     
The father slapped his forehead and said: "This is worse than I could ever have imagined!"
     
"What? asked the wife.
     
"Our son is going to be a politician!"

[Shammu]

Clinton and the Frog

The President takes the day off work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go out golfing. Bill gives the slip to the Secret Service guys and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
     
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron."
     
The President looks around and doesn't see anyone.
     
"Ribbit, 9 iron."
     
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
     
The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog."
     
The President decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the President asks.
     
"Ribbit, 3 wood."
     
Bill takes out a 3 wood and WHAM!, hole in one. The President is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the President golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
     
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas." They go to Andrews AFB and fire up Air Force One file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at 4 AM, still unnoticed, at a casino. Bill says, "OK frog, now what?"
     
The frog says, "Ribbit, roulette."
     
Upon approaching the roulette table, the President asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
     
The frog replies, "Ribbit, $300,000, black, 6."
     
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Clinton figures what the heck.Whoosh! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The President takes his winnings and his new buddy, First Frog (FF), and heads back to DC. Bill sets the FF on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I and the Democratic National Committee are forever grateful."
     
The frog replies, "Ribbit, kiss me."
     
Bill figures, why not? Since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old woman.
     
"And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my office."

[Shammu]

Politician and the Butter

A Senator is in a restaurant and the waiter brings over the rolls, but no butter. "May I have some butter, please?" The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off. Ten minutes later, still no butter. The senator catches his eye.
     
"May I have some butter, Please?"
     
Still the vaguest of responses, and after ten more minutes, still no butter.
     
"Maybe you don't know who I am," says the senator. "I'm a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States senator, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee."
     
"Maybe you don't know who I am," said the waiter. "I'm the guy who's in charge of the butter".

[Shammu]

The Right Answer

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing Vacation to Europe. While visiting Europe, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is tosurround herself with intelligent people.
     
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
     
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
     
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?
     
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
     
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen.
     
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
     
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
     
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old Friends to the test.
     
He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if You can answer a question for me."
     
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
     
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
     
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and Get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up.
     
Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle Over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
     
Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, And your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.
     
Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
     
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims. "I Know the answer Al! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!!
     
And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

[Shammu]

Demon Drink

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude towards whiskey.
     
"If you mean that demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts need funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
     
This is my position, and I will not compromise"

[Shammu]

A Miracle Transformation

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
     
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
     
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

[Shammu]

The Right Sign

An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
     
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
     
"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."
     
So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."
     
So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
     
Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"
     
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."
     
He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going.
     
"Did you put up your sign?"
     
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
     
The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
     
So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[Shammu]

Collateral Required

An Amish man wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
     
"Take some jewelry to city and sell it," said the Amish man.
     
"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
     
"Don't know what collateral means."
     
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
     
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
     
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
     
"Yes, I have a horse."
     
"How old is it?"
     
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
     
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
     
Several weeks later the Amish man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
     
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
     
"Put it in my pocket."
     
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
     
"I don't know what deposit means."
     
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
     
The Amish man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

[nChrist]

       Thanks, I needed those laughs.

[Shammu]

Help Wanted

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
     
[size=11]Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.[/size]
     
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
     
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
     
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
     
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
     
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
     
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
     
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
     
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

[Shammu]

The Swearing Parrot

One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.
     
Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.
     
After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.
     
Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that's it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.
     
By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.
     
At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.
     
The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."
     
The pastor is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um....by the way, what did the chicken do?"

[Shammu]

The Christian Horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
     
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
     
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
     
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
     
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
     
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
     
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

[Shammu]

Bear Alert

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.
     
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
     
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
     
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.