Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[Shammu]

A Priest And A Boy

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

The boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[Shammu]

Miracle of the Year..................

Two women were sitting together quietly, minding their OWN business.

.


Exit stage left in a panic, before any woman sees.....................!!

[nChrist]

      Not safe to tell my wife.

[nChrist]

Tired Of Rejection

Tired of being rejected for jobs - maybe this form letter will come in handy.

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, [Your Name]

[Shammu]

Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

[nChrist]

   Thanks - I needed that laugh.

[Shammu]

Computer T-Shirt Slogans

Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT'

Shell to DOS, Come in DOS, do you COPY?

All computers wait at the same speed.

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Go ahead, make my data!

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender: Insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error! Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

DOS Tip #1701: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

[Shammu]

What's a headache

Adam God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?"
and God explained it to him.

And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave,"
And Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, ... and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

[nChrist]

Chet's Graduation

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Chet.

At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Chet graduate, let Chet graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Chet one last chance.

"If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Chet, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Chet thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."

At that the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Chet another chance. Give Chet another chance!"


(Small Print:  This might be a groaner.   

[Shammu]

(Small Print:  This might be a groaner.  

Now that is a stinker!!

[nChrist]

 

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden Retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

(Small Print:  This might be a groaner.)

[nChrist]

16 Steps To Build A Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

[nChrist]

A Diet For Dealing With Stress

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

[Shammu]

After reading those, I need a cup of coffee, and.

[Shammu]

Priest and the Crooks

One time three very bad people felt guilty for the different crimes they committed and went to a church to ask god forgiveness. There, they found a priest.

So all three of them went to the priest. The first crook said "Oh, Father! I have killed an innocent man and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and told the crook "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". The Father pointed toward a fountain with sparkling water. The first crook went and drank the water. "The water tastes weird" he said and went away.

The second crook came to the priest and said "Oh, Father! I have stolen alot of money from many people and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and said "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". So the second crook went and drank the sparkling water in the fountain. "This water tastes funny", he said and went away.

Now only the third crook remained. "What is it that you did wrong, my son?" the priest asked. With an uneasy look the last crook said,"I peed in the well".