Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[Shammu]

Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida

Nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator," can still fall victim to implemented 'team work strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

Not for the squeamish

.

.

[nChrist]

      Got Me! - ROFL!

[nChrist]

A Man Goes Sky Diving For The First Time

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[nChrist]

Cake Baking For Mothers Of Small Children

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour.
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.

[Shammu]

Praying For Leroy
 
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front of the alter," the Preacher says.
 
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the Preacher ask: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
 
Leroy replies: Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
 
The Preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy: the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.
 
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and ask, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
 
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday.

[nChrist]

   I might know Leroy.

[nChrist]

You Know You're Really A Mom When..

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

5. Your child throws up and you catch it.

6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.

9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

13. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."

19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

20. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

[nChrist]

Today I Didn't Do It

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[nChrist]

Kids On Marriage

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

******

- "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9

- "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

- "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

******

-"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10

-"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6


How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

******

-"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

-"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8


What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

******

-"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8


What Do Most People Do on a Date?

******

-"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

-"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10


What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour

******

-"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9


When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

******

-"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7

-"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

-"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8


The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

******

-"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9

-"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10


What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

******

-"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"Craig, age 9


What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?

******

-"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10


How to Make a Marriage Work

******

-"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 7


How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

******

- "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 -

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7

[nChrist]

$100 Please

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00.

[nChrist]

Soap And Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

[nChrist]

Three Expectant Fathers

Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room.

The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team.

A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M.

The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.

[nChrist]

More Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

[nChrist]

Religious Lady On The Plane

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

[nChrist]

Bangety Bang Bang

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom.

Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'".

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.

Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.

More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The enemy keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The enemy keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."