Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[nChrist]

More Actual Classified Ads

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

[Shammu]

A Special Hymn

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Shammu]

Start Over

When you've trusted Jesus and walked his way
When you've felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way,
start over.


When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why,
start over.


When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And now you're all alone and it's up to you,
start over.


When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren have come along,
start over.


When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill,
start over.


When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it,
start over.


When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you,
start over.


Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "The Lords' Will Done"


We need not just sit there ... START OVER.

[Shammu]

Good News/Bad News

Good News/Bad News for Ministers

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

[Shammu]

Christian Horse

One day a preacher went out to buy a horse, so he went to the man's house who was selling the horse. The man said this horse has been around a lot of Christians so he doesn't respond to regular commands he only responds to commands "praise the Lord" to go and "amen" to stop.

So the man was riding home and the horse was running towards a cliff then the preacher yells woe! woe! then he remembered just in time and he yells Amen! so the horse stops right at the edge of the cliff. "Praise the Lord."

[nChrist]

      - Thanks - I needed those laughs!

[nChrist]

Got The Munchies?

Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.

"OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.

"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."

"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"

Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.

[nChrist]

To The Rescue!

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"

[nChrist]

Parrot Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[nChrist]

Junior's Nickels

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

(Small Print:  Might be a groaner.)

[Shammu]

I turned out the light

Two deaf men are signing to each other.

The first man asks, "What did your wife say when you got home late last night?

The second man replies, "She swore a blue streak"

And the first man asks, "What did you do then?"

And the second man replies, "I turned out the light."

[Shammu]

Deaf Mafia

A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations.  However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it.  The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him.  As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.

Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)

The bag man signs his reply.  The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."

Mobster:  "I'm not fooling around!  You better tell me where that money is!"  (Interpreter again signs.)

The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth.  He had to get rid of it."

The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes.  "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"
(Interpreter signs his statement.)

The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."

The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Shammu]

Lip Reading

Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading.

For example:

Suppose a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean this place up, your stuff is lying all over on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow unless we do the laundry right now!"

Her lipreading husband will get: THIS, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I  blah, blah, blah, OVER, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON blah, blah, NO blah, blah, blah, WEAR, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[Shammu]

Hard Of Hearing Wife

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.

So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

[nChrist]

      ROFL! - Yeah! - No Groaners. - Thanks! - I needed those laughs.