Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[nChrist]

Just A Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[nChrist]

Wood Cutter

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

[nChrist]

Reasons Not To Wash

If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example:

Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.

2. People who make soap are only after your money.

3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.

4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.

5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.

6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

7. None of my friends wash.

8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

10. I can't spare the time

[nChrist]

Top 10 Things You Won't Hear Dad Say...

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

[nChrist]

Why Parents Get Gray

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

[nChrist]

A Father's Method

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

[Shammu]

A Father's Method

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Now that is funny!!!!!!!!

[nChrist]

Speeding Stories:

*PULLED OVER*

"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop.

The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."

*WHY ME?*

My friend Walt was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"

"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.

"Yes," Walt replied.

"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"

*SPEEDING*

The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they Decided to just give him a season ticket.

*TWO SPEED CORVETTE*

Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL SPEED."

One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to A screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who Had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, "Mister, I've been Waiting for you all morning..."

Nick replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!"

[nChrist]

Wayward Cessna

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[nChrist]

Things I've Learned From My Children

* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

* It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

* The glass in windows (even double paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

* When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.

* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

* Duplos will not.

* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

* Super glue is forever.

* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

* Ditto Tarzan.

* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

* Plastic toys do not like ovens.

* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

* It will however make cats dizzy.

* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

[nChrist]

Priest's Uniform

A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform" went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?". The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work".

The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?" The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child telling him that it was also part of his uniform.

On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him "Do you know what these words say?

The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do". The priest a little taken aback then replies, "OK then, tell me what they say".

The little boy then replies, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months."

[Shammu]

In A Minute

John climbs to the top of  Mt. Sinai to get close enough  to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord...  “God, what does a million years mean to  you?”  

The  Lord replies, “A minute.”  

John asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to  you?”  

The  Lord replies, “A penny.”  

John asks, “Can I have a penny?”  

The  Lord replies, “In a minute.” 

[Shammu]

Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles, one day.  Sid asks Al,  "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know; let's ask our waiter."   When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks."   He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico.  Our people are scattered every where."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain?  I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE . . . all we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!  No MEXICAN JEWS!!!"

[nChrist]

   Thanks for those laughs - I needed them. I especially like the one about Mexican Jews.

[nChrist]

Will To Remember

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"