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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
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Author Topic: Laughter - Good Medicine - New  (Read 17506 times)
nChrist
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« on: January 15, 2010, 08:56:57 AM »

Library Argument

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
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Shammu
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« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2010, 12:19:29 AM »



Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."


Now that is funny, thanks for the laugh brother.

Bob

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Shammu
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« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2010, 12:27:09 AM »

And since you started off with A.S.L. jokes......................

I turned out the light

Two deaf men are signing to each other.

The first man asks, "What did your wife say when you got home late last night?

The second man replies, "She swore a blue streak"

And the first man asks, "What did you do then?"

And the second man replies, "I turned out the light."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deaf Mafia

A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations.  However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it.  The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him.  As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.

Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)

The bag man signs his reply.  The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."

Mobster:  "I'm not fooling around!  You better tell me where that money is!"  (Interpreter again signs.)

The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth.  He had to get rid of it."

The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes.  "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"
(Interpreter signs his statement.)

The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."

The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lip Reading

Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading.

For example:

Suppose a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean this place up, your stuff is lying all over on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow unless we do the laundry right now!"

Her lipreading husband will get:
THIS, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I  blah, blah, blah, OVER, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON blah, blah, NO blah, blah, blah, WEAR, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Grin Grin
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nChrist
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« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2010, 12:56:25 AM »

Grin   Grin   ROFL! Thanks Brother - I needed those laughs.

Now - for my groaner:
_________________________________

Bear Flight

During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Americans, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

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« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2010, 03:23:29 PM »

Plane Programming

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2010, 12:50:48 PM »

Hiccup Cure

A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.

"What'd you do that for?" the man asked.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

"No," the man replied, "but my wife out in the car still does!"
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« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2010, 12:26:39 PM »

Rustic Dining

As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.

One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."
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« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2010, 10:49:52 PM »

HARD OF HEARING WIFE

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.

So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SILENT AND ODORLESS:

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day."

He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless. Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking."

So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks."

The guy comes back in one week complaining, Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!"

The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PIGS:

Question: What language do pigs speak?
Answer: Swine language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PORCUPINES:

Question: What language do porcupines speak?
Answer: Spine language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Billboards:

Question: What language do billboards speak?
Answer: sign language Grin Grin
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« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2010, 10:52:29 PM »

FROGS:

There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: "JUMP!"

And the frog lept.

The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: "Frogs can jump." The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump with three legs."

The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

The scientist then added to his previous observations: "Frogs can jump with two legs."

On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: "Frogs can jump with only one leg!"

Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: "JUMP!"

But alas the frog did not leap.

"JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist.

Still, the frog did not leap.

"JUMP!" yelled the scientist.

The frog did not leap.

The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: "Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf."
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« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2010, 10:56:37 PM »

WIFE FELL OUT:

A fellow who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AIDS:

One day at the end of a church meeting, the person conducting asked, "is there was anything more that needs to be brought up before we end the meeting?"

One of the oldest members slowly raised his hand. "Yes. I guess I should tell you that I'm going to have to resign my position."

Most of the members around the table looked surprised at the gentleman.

He continued, "I went to the doctor the other day. I now have AIDS."

Astonishment filled the room. As they starred at him in amazement, he went on.

"It's true. I now have an aid in my left ear and another in my right ear!"
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« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2010, 03:26:54 PM »

 Grin   Grin  ROFL!

Thanks! - Your posts were much better than my groaners.
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« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2010, 08:14:51 AM »

Reading Glasses

I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".

When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.

I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."
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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2010, 03:32:40 PM »

Shirt Note

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2010, 03:33:39 PM »

Newborn Utterance

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.

Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.

Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
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« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2010, 01:38:13 PM »

Sister Repair

My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
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