2008 Political Jokes Here!

[Shammu]

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?" --Jay Leno
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"I don't get this. Hillary Clinton's been bragging all year long that she's been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There's a medical term for this -- 'slow learner.'" --Bill Maher
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"This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. ... Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, 'I love change. Change is good. Who doesn't like change? Whatever I just said, I'd like to change that.'" --Bill Maher
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"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno
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"Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him." --Jay Leno

[Shammu]

"Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel
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"Bill Clinton is giving a speech in New Hampshire. I guess it was yesterday. During the speech, he takes a cell phone call from his wife Hillary. And, you know, Bill, of course, keeps the cell phone on vibrate -- I don't even have to finish the joke, do I? -- because when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the '90s" --David Letterman
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"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. ... I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman
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"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO." --Jay Leno
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"Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I wish.'" --Conan O'Brien

[Shammu]

"Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It's strange, isn't it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself." --David Letterman
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"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno
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"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?" --David Letterman
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"There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don't think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, 'I need more lines.'" -Jay Leno
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"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate." --Conan O'Brien
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"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming -- Hillary thawing." -Jay Leno

[HisDaughter]

"The New York Times just reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'That's ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.'" --Conan O'Brien

[HisDaughter]

(I think the results must have been rigged. I would go around the land mine field or destroy it before crossing.)  

[HisDaughter]

[HisDaughter]

[HisDaughter]

That's mostly all we get isn't it?  Words. (From any politician.)

[nChrist]

That's mostly all we get isn't it?  Words. (From any politician.)

AND, many of them simply don't know how to tell the truth on any issue. So, here's an idea for a new REALITY type television show that I think most folks would really enjoy. All of the politicians would be hooked up to the best lie detection equipment, and the equipment would be run by the most qualified operators. The audience would be told in real time what was the truth and what was lies. The show could be like an interview with all of the tough issues of the day being the subject matter. There could also be a debate segment where each candidate could see the lie meter of the person they were debating.          

I think that a show like this would be an AWARD WINNER. It should be a requirement for all politicians to participate on a regular basis. We would run out of politicians, but we could just go hire some more until we found a group who could tell the truth at least most of the time. I think we should be able to tar and feather those who tell the truth less than 10% of the time.   

[Shammu]

"Last night was the final Democratic debate. ... I guess one of the big stories was that Barack Obama had a little bit of trouble last night. He is so smooth and he's so good, but last night he had a little trouble. Last night, during the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word 'Massachusetts' twice and then mispronounced the word 'filibuster.' Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush." --Conan O'Brien
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"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien
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"This is a big scandal. Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. Yeah, as a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in 'Big Momma's House 3.'" --Conan O'Brien
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"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno
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"The founders of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton, which makes sense because Baracky Road is a catchier name for an ice cream than Pantsuits and Cream." --Conan O'Brien
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"Senator Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, 'He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population -- like Maine.'" --Conan O'Brien

[Shammu]

"Congratulations to presidential candidate Barack Obama. He won a Grammy last night for best spoken word album. Boy, there's four words you haven't heard in the same sentence in a while — 'presidential' and 'best spoken word.'" --Jay Leno
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"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?" --Jimmy Kimmel
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"Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. 'Let's go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.'" --Jay Leno
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"I hope it is Barack Obama. ... Him running against either the mannequin or Grandpa Munster. Hillary Clinton is great. I just think it's time America heard the words, 'And now for something completely different.'" --Bill Maher
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"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno
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"Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he's been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just when things are going so well." --Jay Leno
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"Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel

[Shammu]

To be fair, here are a few on Hellary........
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"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers
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"The big story this week is the Democrats. Hillary got her groove back. I don't know if you saw this but on Tuesday there were four primaries and she beat the Arab guy three to one. I only know what I see in the paper. And she did it the old fashioned way, by building a coalition of women, Latinos and blue-collar white men, and scaring the sh*t out of them." --Bill Maher
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"Apparently negative is the new positive. Now the media is trying to goad Barack Obama into taking the gloves off. And I'm not so sure this strategy is any good, you know, having a young black man attack a 60-year-old white lady? She loves to play the victim. She's already got a new slogan, 'Hillary Clinton: Please, just take my purse and leave me alone.'" --Bill Maher
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"Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, 'Hey, easy, lady, we're not married'" --David Letterman
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"Political experts are now saying it's almost impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill. Except, of course, Bill. 'Stay out there, honey!'" --Jay Leno

[Shammu]

"Hillary Clinton out on the campaign trail. She's very sly. You know, she's been campaigning about Black History Month, and she said today that America has come so far that a black man could one day grow up and possibly be vice president of the United States." --Jay Leno
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"As you know, Hillary has lost the last eight primaries in a row. So, any crying you see from now on is going to be real." --Jay Leno
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"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno
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"Because it's a long, horrifying process to run for the nomination, candidates often like to have fun on the campaign trail. And a couple of days ago -- this is great -- Hillary Clinton, while she was flying on her campaign airplane, pretended to be a flight attendant. But that's not all. She was so convincing that Bill actually hit on her." --Jay Leno
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"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno
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"All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, 'cause Bill's been trying to talk her into that for years." --Jay Leno

[Shammu]

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama ... went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door -- not looking for votes, trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno
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"Yesterday on the campaign trail ... Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, 'It's not just NAFTA. I'm also opposed to my husband's views on MILFs." --Conan O'Brien
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"Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, 'How 'bout Salma Hayek?'" --Conan O'Brien
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"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno
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"Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary's plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. ... $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too." --Jay Leno

[Shammu]

I just don't know who to vote for.....................