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CLOCKS

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan".

Hillary Rodham Clinton file........

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better. ;D

The Hottest Selling Political Bumper Sticker

Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"RUN HILARY RUN'

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Hillary Clinton Commemorative Stamp

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.

The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings.............

The stamp was manufactured properly.
There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People were just spitting on the wrong side.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes -

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S. President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And, I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy, said I am a U.S. Senator, the Democratic Party needs me and my liver still has some good years left. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my school bag."

Clinton died and went to heaven or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'Tis I, St. Peter, President Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.

1. Bill Clinton
2. Chelsea Clinton
3. Nancy Pelosi
4.

One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''

The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir.'''

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again. ;D ;D

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the older lady, who must have slapped his face"

The older lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"

Ho! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater." :o

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job over four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and talk with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.
What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

Hillary at Elementary School

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

 ;D   ;D    ROFL! - These are great, and I needed the laughs.

By the way, I think I'd like to be on that train approaching the tunnel with Clinton. I'm thinking about tar and feathers for him. The rest of them might be due for the same soon.

"Hillary Clinton's campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1 million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging that he has spent more than one million dollars on the Internet" -- Conan O'Brien

"According to the Taliban,Osama bin Laden is alive. But they said if he dies, he'd now like to be buried in the Bahamas." -- Jay Leno

"The state Senate in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal alien' because it is insensitive. They want to go with a more politically correct term, like 'Wal-Martian." -- Jay Leno

How do you know if a politician is telling a lie?

Their lips will be moving.

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.

As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc . .

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e?? y-o-u-r?? p-e-o-p-l-e?? g-o-i-n-g?? t-o?? n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e?? H-i-l-l-a-r-y??"

You Can Say That Again!!

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said,"Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already severaltimes that Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

 ;D   ;D   ROFL! - With politics, there is no in between. It's either a laughing or a crying matter!

That being Politically Incorrect brother, but so true............

"Jimmy Carter called Bush and his administration the worst in history. As you know, President Bush's approval numbers have dropped as low as 28%. That's the lowest for any president since ... Jimmy Carter. So, I guess he knows what he's talking about." --Jay Leno

"Now Jimmy Carter is backtracking. He's saying his comments were misinterpreted. Yeah, I'm sure the phrase 'worst in history' can be taken any number of ways …Under President Bush, sure, we have the war in Iraq. But the young kids don't remember. Under President Carter, we had something far worse -- disco." --Jay Leno

Barack Obama recently spent two days campaigning in New Hampshire. Everywhere he went in New Hampshire, Obama was greeted with shouts of 'Go Barack!', 'Beat Hillary!', and 'Hey look! It's a black guy!'" --Conan O'Brien

Homer Simpson appeared on the Late Show With David Letterman to present the "Top Ten Reasons Why I (Homer Simpson) Should Be the Next President":


10. I'm smarter than the last guy.

9. With an oval office, I can't bump into anything.

8. Fox News is already on my side.

7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job.

6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions.

5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts.

4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts.

3. My middle name isn't Hussein ... anymore.

2. My vice president will be Mayor McCheese.

1. Kick-butt inauguration party! Bring a six pack and you're in

Acronyms for Clinton and his adminsitration

Clinton: (C)razed (L)ow-class (I)diot (N)ow (T)aking (O)ver (N)ation

Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation

Clinton: (C)learly (L)oose (I)nternal (N)avigation (T)echniques (O)ccupy (N)ever-Neverland

Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation's (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow

Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation

Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies

Gore: (G)ennifer's (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise

Gore: (G)reatly (O)riented to (R)adical (E)cology

Gore: (G)reat (O)ne (R)egulating (E)verything

Republicans Democrats

The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

These are great!  Thanks for the laughs.  (http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb87/mom2bran/LOL2.gif)   BTW, I found the clock representing our government....(http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb87/mom2bran/TickTock.gif)

Signs on the walls of the House & Senate:







 

Those are some fitting signs for there.

 :D :D

ROFL ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

These are tooo funny!  (http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb87/mom2bran/HaHa3.gif) 

Yes I am expected in surgery in a few moments to stitch up my side....it hurts.

Oooophs - we'll call the medics for you.   ;D



 

The 10 Stupidest Things Hillary Clinton Has Ever Said

10. "I have to confess that it's crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian."

9. "God bless the America we are trying to create."

8. "We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word."

7. “He ran a gas station down in St. Louis... No, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of the 20th century.” –introducing a quote by Mahatma Gandhi

6. “Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody’s going to believe them.” –on Bill Clinton’s bimbo eruptions

5. “If I didn’t kick his butt every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.” –on Bill Clinton

4. "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life."

3. "We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."

2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —on her presidential ambitions

1. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."

Late-Night Jokes About Sen. Hillary Clinton
"According to a biography of Hillary by Carl Bernstein, Bill Clinton planned to divorce Hillary. And when asked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, 'There are worse things than infidelity.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah. Fidelity.'" --Jay Leno

"The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. ... Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the New York Post, Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day in a campaign swing through South Carolina.
And today, she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because 'she can't think of a better cheerleader for America.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Although Hillary Clinton set the mark by raising $26 million for her presidential campaign in the first quarter of 2007, Mitt Romney, the Republican, was right behind her with $23 million. That's something Hillary hasn't felt in 20 years -- a man breathing down her neck." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that public appearances with her and Bill would be rare. The only thing more rare? Private appearances with her and Bill." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's campaign has issued a statement saying she and Bill will be together this weekend in Selma, Alabama, which will be their first joint appearance together in a month. That's when you know you have a bad marriage -- when you have to put out a press release saying you'll be together for the weekend. You need cameras to record it, in case people don't believe you" --Jay Leno

"According to this week's Newsweek magazine, Hillary's campaign refuses to consider Bill Clinton's infidelity. ... They called it 'the elephant in the room that no one wants to address.' Which is what got Clinton in trouble in the first place ... the elephant in the room." --Jay Leno

"You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There's some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. ... On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen's statement attacking the Clintons. ... Geffen said, 'I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it's troubling.' I think that's an unfair statement. Just because you're really good at something doesn't mean it's easy." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Hollywood is starting to turn on Hillary Clinton. Hollywood mogul David Geffen -- he's given huge amounts to the Clintons -- told columnist Maureen Dowd of the New York Times that Hillary Clinton is too scripted, that Bill Clinton is reckless, and both of the Clintons lie so easily it's troubling. Bad scripts, reckless behavior, and lying -- thank God that kind of thing can never happen here in Hollywood." --Jay Leno

"The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'I dream of replacing Hillary every day.'" --Conan O'Brien

More Late-Night Jokes About Sen. Hillary Clinton

"Political experts are now saying that to win the presidency in 2008 a candidate has to get hot at the right time. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Hillary's doomed'" --Conan O'Brien

"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno

"This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton's face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'Finally, Hillary's face on another woman's body.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Is anybody really that surprised that Hillary Clinton is running for president? I'm not surprised. I mean, if you were married to Bill Clinton ... wouldn't you want to be able to tap his phone, read his mail, and torture him?" --Jay Leno

"Of course, the big question political experts are asking now is what role will Bill Clinton play in Hillary's campaign. I'm guessing 'the cheating husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, on a campaign trip, Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men, like Osama bin Laden, because she had to put up with her husband. Which explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters." --Conan O'Brien

"In Iowa yesterday, Hillary Clinton was shoring up support a mere year before that state's presidential caucus. She whipped the crowd into a frenzy with her new campaign slogan, 'Let The Conversation Begin.' This may not be the most politically correct thing to say, but I don't think that slogan's going to help you with men. ... I think the typical response would be, 'Now?' You might as well get on your campaign bus, The 'I Think We Really Need To Talk' Express, to unveil your new Iraq policy, 'America, Let's Pull Over And Just Ask For Directions.'" --Jon Stewart

"Hillary Clinton announced officially she will be running for president. Besides announcing her candidacy on the Internet, she's also selling all her old headbands on Craigslist." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton announced she is running for president of the United States, which isn't a surprise to many people -- except maybe those who just voted her for a second term as senator." --Jay Leno

Even More Late-Night Jokes About Sen. Hillary Clinton

"It's official. Hillary Clinton is running for president of the United States. She said on her Web site, 'I'm in it to win.' That may seem obvious, but for Democrats running for president ... they have to keep reminding themselves." --Jay Leno

"Hillary says she has gotten hundreds of calls telling her to go out on the road and campaign for the next two years. And that's just from her husband, Bill." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president ... if you don't count James Buchanan." --David Letterman

"Senator Hillary Clinton is back from her fact-finding trip to Iraq. She had to cut the trip short because she had to address a growing threat here at home -- Barack Obama." --Jay Leno

"Presidential experts say Hillary Clinton will soon form a presidential exploratory committee.
Actually, that's not new. She's formed presidential exploratory committees before ... when trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, 'I'm not going to believe this president again.' Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, I stopped believing presidents ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience." --Conan O'Brien

"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's making calls, hiring staff and getting ready to travel to Iowa to launch her campaign. She'll be on the road nonstop for the next two years. How is Bill going to manage stuck home all alone? He's going to be heartbroken." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank." --Jay Leno

"A New Jersey company has developed an inhaler they say increases sex drive in women. They say it stimulates the brain to make you want to have sex with your partner. It's an inhaler. You know what the means? One day on the campaign trail, Hillary may be able to claim she never inhaled either." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno

"At the national portrait gallery in Washington, D.C. new portraits were unveiled of former President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton. The Smithsonian said that the portraits of Bill and Hillary will not hang in the same room. Boy, talk about art reflecting life." --Jay Leno

Aw Shucks Even More Late-Night Jokes About Sen. Hillary Clinton

"I'm surprised they did a portrait of Hillary. I thought maybe an ice sculpture would have been more appropriate." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that she didn't know her husband, Bill Clinton, was giving the Arabs advice on the port deal while she was ruling against it. Can you believe that? Hillary was clueless about a major political event. You know what that means. she could really be the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno "More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on samesex marriage. Today, her husband bill described her as a disappointment on opposite sex marriage." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton hired a former adviser to President Clinton. Apparently she's taking his advice because today she hit on three waitresses." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton speaking out on [the port deal]. She has mixed feelings about Dubai. On one hand, they hate Israel. On the other hand, they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today she finds the administration's refusal to level with the American people troubling, but she also finds it somewhat nostalgic." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick Cheney to give exact details. You know like, "How do you shoot someone and make it look like an accident?" --Jay Leno

"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said this week that she doesn't agree with either the people who say we should be in Iraq or her friends who say we should be out. Thanks for clearing that up. Think she’s running for president? Even John Kerry said, "Pick a position!" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'" --David Letterman

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton blasted the Bush White House as one of the worst in history. I tell you, this is the hardest Hillary's been on any president she wasn't married to." --Jay Leno

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." --Conan O'Brien

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary." --David Letterman

You're on a roll...don't stop!  (http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb87/mom2bran/HaHa2.gif)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v311/randers/varv070307a.jpg)

Nice picture there brother, to bad no one can see it..................... ;D ;D ;D ;D

Thanks brother. Now you can.   :-[ :-[ :D :D

:D :D :D :D :D

It's been a while so........................

Them Dems will not like this one........... ;D

Hillary Clinton called Bill  into her office one day and said, 'Bill,  I have a great idea!  I know how  we can win back middle America and secure  my presidential victory in 2008'.
 
'Great, but how do you propose we go  about that, asked Bill?  Well, Hillary responded, we'll go down to a  local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes  and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and   pick up a Labrador.
 
When we look the part we'll go to a nice  old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and  respect for the hard working people living  there".
 
A few days later, all  decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking  for.

With dog in tow they  walk into the bar.  They stepped up to  the bar,the Bartender took a step back  and said, " aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton ?" Hillary answered, "yes we are,  and what a lovely town you have here. We were  just passing through and  Bill suggested that we stop and take  in some local color."
 
They then  ordered a couple of cocktails from the  bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
 
All  of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He  walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail  and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders  and walked out the door.  A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He  walked up to the dog, lifted its tail,  looked underneath, scratched his head and  then left the bar.
 
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted  the dog's tail, and went away looking  puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and  Bill  could stand it no longer and  called the bartender over.   'Tell  me' said Hillary, 'why did all those old  farmers come in and  look under the dog's tail like that?  Is it some sort of old custom?'  'Good grief no,'  said the bartender.  'Its just that someone has told them that there was a  Labrador in this bar with two  buttheads. ;D

(http://)(http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u64/cguardsman/ATT00023.jpg)


This is a "Hillbilly"!  ;D

(http://www.feebleminds-gifs.com/smiley-faces-28.gif)

Now when somebody calls me a hillbilly I'm going to be insulted.   :-\ :-\

 ;D   ;D

All I want to know is what side is Bill and what side is Hillary? I've never been able to tell the difference between the two of them anyway, except that one has a higher voice.

I believe the right side is Hellary, and the left side Billy-boy. ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly, hillbilly

Now just to add insult to injury...... hillbilly ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified

10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".

8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".

7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.

5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"

4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"

3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline. ;D

No Great Loss

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Hillary in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Signs Hillary Clinton Does Not Understand New York

* Actually ate a street vendor hot dog.

* Sees Statue of Liberty and asks, "Oh, is that new?"

* Believes the Mets can take it all the way this year.

* Gave speech to Hasidic Jews in which she promised to "fight for the rights of you Amish folk."

* Had an exploratory committee look into what an extended middle finger means.

* Keeps asking when she'll get to meet Batman.

* Featured guest at her fundraisers: Reggie Miller.

* Thinks the "subway" is just some place Bill takes her for their anniversary dinner.

* Paid $25,000 for a sidewalk Rolex.

Make Someone Happy

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."  ;D ;D ;D

 ;D   ;D   ROFL!  THANKS! - Just what I needed this morning - a good laugh.

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y31/lovemygessies/PF%20Emotes/laughingsmilie.gif)  I love it when I can laugh out loud even when there is no one here to hear me!  I'm taking that one to work today!

Then this makes Ron Paul the top candidate!  ;D ;D ;D

Oh my!  I'm holding my sides here this morning!

Even with a lifeline he's still sinking. (glub glub)

How about (http://bestsmileys.com/water/16.gif) .

How about just throwing him off the train?

President Bill Clinton visits Pearly Gates


President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on Earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v311/randers/My%20Smilies/ChristianDemocrat.jpg)

I just took a test on another website that carries Political jokes, cartoons, etc
The test was supposed to tell me if I was a Democrat or a Republican.
Here is what it said when I finished:

Your score is 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. You are a devoted Republican. You tend to walk in lockstep with the party, even if you have not agreed with every decision Republican leaders have made. The few differences you have are nothing compared to your complete and utter disdain for the Democratic Party and the elitism, cowardice, and godlessness for which it stands.    ;D


(http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w17/argal/2s6smyg.jpg)

(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/2/p/1/obamas_flag_pin.jpg)

(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/T/l/1/obama_dictators.jpg)

Well I found the test, you took grammy.

Hey, I liked the quiz... here's my score and I didn't learn anything I didn't already know:

Your score is 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. You are a pure, unabashed, die-hard Republican loyalist You remain fiercely dedicated to fighting the twin evils of terrorism and liberalism, and you'd walk across a field of land mines if it meant casting a deciding vote for a Republican president. In your view, there is no higher form of patriotism than defending America against the Democratic Party and every elitist, French-loving, religion-mocking, America-hating, terrorist-appeasing ideal for which it stands.

Hey!  That sounds just like the DreamWeaver we all know and love!
God Bless America!!
(http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g22/hollyeclark1/3450338e.gif)

I got the same statement but my score was 10 on a scale of 1 to 10.   ;D ;D

(I think the results must have been rigged. I would go around the land mine field or destroy it before crossing.)   :D :D

"I don't know if you heard this or not but Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. Don't worry about Fred, he can always go back to his prestigious fake law firm. ... Fred spent all day packing the bags under his eyes." --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~

"Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~

"Mitt Romney was marching in a Martin Luther King Day parade and made a valiant effort to reach across cultures and connect with African-Americans [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. This courageous attempt to communicate across cultures has many pundits asking the question 'Is Mitt Romney retarded?'" --Stephen Colbert
~~~~~~~~

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary. His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don't have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~

"I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?" --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~

"I don't get this. Hillary Clinton's been bragging all year long that she's been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There's a medical term for this -- 'slow learner.'" --Bill Maher
~~~~~~~~

"This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. ... Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, 'I love change. Change is good. Who doesn't like change? Whatever I just said, I'd like to change that.'" --Bill Maher
~~~~~~~~

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~

"Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel
~~~~~~~

"Bill Clinton is giving a speech in New Hampshire. I guess it was yesterday. During the speech, he takes a cell phone call from his wife Hillary. And, you know, Bill, of course, keeps the cell phone on vibrate -- I don't even have to finish the joke, do I? -- because when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the '90s" --David Letterman
~~~~~~~

"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. ... I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman
~~~~~~~

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~

"Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I wish.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It's strange, isn't it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself." --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~

"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?" --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~

"There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don't think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, 'I need more lines.'" -Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~

"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~

"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming -- Hillary thawing." -Jay Leno

"The New York Times just reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'That's ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.'" --Conan O'Brien

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)

(http://img.timeinc.net//time/cartoons/20080229/cartoons_01.jpg)

(http://img.timeinc.net//time/cartoons/20080215/cartoons_07.jpg)

(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/m/z/1/obamas_oratory_sb0220cd.jpg)

That's mostly all we get isn't it?  Words. (From any politician.)

AND, many of them simply don't know how to tell the truth on any issue. So, here's an idea for a new REALITY type television show that I think most folks would really enjoy. All of the politicians would be hooked up to the best lie detection equipment, and the equipment would be run by the most qualified operators. The audience would be told in real time what was the truth and what was lies. The show could be like an interview with all of the tough issues of the day being the subject matter. There could also be a debate segment where each candidate could see the lie meter of the person they were debating.    ;D   ;D   ;D

I think that a show like this would be an AWARD WINNER. It should be a requirement for all politicians to participate on a regular basis. We would run out of politicians, but we could just go hire some more until we found a group who could tell the truth at least most of the time. I think we should be able to tar and feather those who tell the truth less than 10% of the time.   ;D

"Last night was the final Democratic debate. ... I guess one of the big stories was that Barack Obama had a little bit of trouble last night. He is so smooth and he's so good, but last night he had a little trouble. Last night, during the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word 'Massachusetts' twice and then mispronounced the word 'filibuster.' Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~

"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~

"This is a big scandal. Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. Yeah, as a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in 'Big Momma's House 3.'" --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~

"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"The founders of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton, which makes sense because Baracky Road is a catchier name for an ice cream than Pantsuits and Cream." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~

"Senator Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, 'He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population -- like Maine.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to presidential candidate Barack Obama. He won a Grammy last night for best spoken word album. Boy, there's four words you haven't heard in the same sentence in a while — 'presidential' and 'best spoken word.'" --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?" --Jimmy Kimmel
~~~~~~

"Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. 'Let's go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.'" --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"I hope it is Barack Obama. ... Him running against either the mannequin or Grandpa Munster. Hillary Clinton is great. I just think it's time America heard the words, 'And now for something completely different.'" --Bill Maher
~~~~~~

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he's been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just when things are going so well." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel

To be fair, here are a few on Hellary........
~~~~~~

"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers
~~~~~~

"The big story this week is the Democrats. Hillary got her groove back. I don't know if you saw this but on Tuesday there were four primaries and she beat the Arab guy three to one. I only know what I see in the paper. And she did it the old fashioned way, by building a coalition of women, Latinos and blue-collar white men, and scaring the sh*t out of them." --Bill Maher
~~~~~~

"Apparently negative is the new positive. Now the media is trying to goad Barack Obama into taking the gloves off. And I'm not so sure this strategy is any good, you know, having a young black man attack a 60-year-old white lady? She loves to play the victim. She's already got a new slogan, 'Hillary Clinton: Please, just take my purse and leave me alone.'" --Bill Maher
~~~~~~

"Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, 'Hey, easy, lady, we're not married'" --David Letterman
~~~~~~

"Political experts are now saying it's almost impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill. Except, of course, Bill. 'Stay out there, honey!'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton out on the campaign trail. She's very sly. You know, she's been campaigning about Black History Month, and she said today that America has come so far that a black man could one day grow up and possibly be vice president of the United States." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"As you know, Hillary has lost the last eight primaries in a row. So, any crying you see from now on is going to be real." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Because it's a long, horrifying process to run for the nomination, candidates often like to have fun on the campaign trail. And a couple of days ago -- this is great -- Hillary Clinton, while she was flying on her campaign airplane, pretended to be a flight attendant. But that's not all. She was so convincing that Bill actually hit on her." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, 'cause Bill's been trying to talk her into that for years." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama ... went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door -- not looking for votes, trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Yesterday on the campaign trail ... Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, 'It's not just NAFTA. I'm also opposed to my husband's views on MILFs." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~

"Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, 'How 'bout Salma Hayek?'" --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~

"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~

"Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary's plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. ... $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too." --Jay Leno

 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D  Time out to clean everything. I'm just glad that the coffee wasn't very hot.

THIS HAS TO BE PHOTO OF THE YEAR! CONSIDER IT SNAGGED!

I'm glad the coffee wasn't hot brother. Did you have fun cleaning the monitor?? ;D ;D ;D

 ;D  Oh Yes - Tons of FUN!

The monitor really wasn't that difficult, but the keyboard will take some time.

Yep!  Snag'in it!

Who wants to go with me?

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the CENTER in PHILADELPHIA next weekend if anybody wants them. ;) ;) ;)

He's going to attempt to jump 500 Democrats with a bull dozer. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

It should be a very enjoyable show! ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)

 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D    ROFL!

Could we maybe pay extra and have some input on which 500 Democrats they are?

I know who the top two would be!  Make that top three because I think Ted Kennedy should be near the head of the line too!

"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien


(http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/gg20/AngryDigger/obama.jpg)

(http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg47/atsteele2/obamapeacetalks.jpg)

 ;D   ;D   ROFL! - That's another keeper I had to snag!

(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/I/4/2/gassed-economy.jpg)

As serious an issue as politics can be it is impossible to overlook the humor involved, too.

Barack Obama made a derogatory comment in regards to people in the Mid-West states that cling to their guns and their Bibles.

Now a car dealership in response to this is offering the choice of a coupon for a gun or a gas card for every vehicle purchased through them. Of over 30 people so far in the last three days only two have chosen the gas card.

Hillary Clinton, in response to those urging her to drop out of the primary race, has stated in so many words that she is staying in the race because Obama may be assasinated.

 ;D   ;D   ;D    ROFL!


WOW! - The political scene is getting wilder by the day. I can certainly understand why many previously unarmed people are arming themselves. Our politicians are placing all of us in great danger. There is an ever increasing likelihood that we may all have to defend ourselves sooner or later. All one can do with the gasoline for protection is make Molotov-cocktails. Besides, they are usually messy, smelly, and much more dangerous to use in self-defense.

"Annie Get Your Gun"??

I first heard that from her and I wondered if that was a hint.

That is one power-hungry woman, for sure.  But then they all are.  Too bad and so sad that it will be their only reward.

(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/J/7/2/call-it-a-draw-jd0512d.jpg)

(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/b/7/2/mccain-climate-change-jd051.jpg)(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/H/7/2/mccain-debates-himself-lk05.jpg)

(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/A/v/1/hillary_witch_oz.jpg)(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/B/v/1/hillary_wicked_witch.jpg)

I found these and just couldn't resist...

 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D    ROFL!


WOW! - The pictures are great and you can consider all of them snagged.

I feel guilty because I don't have any really good political pictures to offer in return, but I'll repay the kindness soon. However, you might like one of the following:



 

Hey!  Those are pretty good.  I'd love to see it!  (http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)

I hear that following Senator Kennedy's operation, Washington insiders say he is doing so well that his political future looks brighter than ever. In fact, they say if he had half a brain, he'd run for President. 

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)

Walking Eagle

Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.  HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name had given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of garbage it can no longer fly.
~~~~~~~~

Is this real, or not you decide................... ;D ;D

 ;D  It sounds reasonable to me.

Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state
of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they
are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


T H E  C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it
has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


T H E  1 0  C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians . . . it creates a hostile work
environment.

 

 ;D

WATCH IT! - Common sense isn't allowed! After all, common sense might be contagious.

Okay, I can't help it, here are a few jokes on Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin......................

Sarah Palin is so tough, she wears polar bear fur when it’s 40 below outside… while the polar bear is still alive.

Sarah Palin is so tough…she digs for oil with her bare hands and doesn’t ruin her manicure!

I once saw Sarah Palin punch a hole through a cow just to see what was on the other side.

Palin is so tough, her Moose kills show blunt force trauma…

Sarah Palin doesn’t use bait when she is fishing. She merely touches the hook with a bit of her perfume and the fish jump into the boat.

Sarah Palin is so tough the 1975 Philadephia Flyers won’t play against her.

Sarah Palin is so tough that Osama bin Laden will now star in one of those Southwest Airlines “wanna get away” commercials.

Sarah Palin is so tough, when the glass ceiling heard of her nomination it didn’t shatter, it just fled in terror.

Sarah Palin is so tough she didn’t take off work when she had her baby last Spring. She delivered the baby during a phone conference and finished the day.      Oh wait. That one’s true!!

Governor Palin is soooo tough, she relies on God for her strength!       Oh wait. That one’s true!!

Sarah Palin is so tough her father used to take her moose hunting at 3 in the morning… Oh that was on the news… my bad.

Sarah Palin is so tough she sharpens her hunting knives by giving herself a manicure.

Sarah Palin is so tough, she teaches grizzly bears how to fish.

Sarah Palin is so tough she blows her nose with Chuck Norris!

Sarah Palin is so tough she actually HAS executive experience in her resume…….. not so for Obama-nation....….

Sarah Palin is so tough that some days the Sun won’t even rise over Alaska.

Q: What is the quickest way to a man’s heart?
A: Sarah Palin’s fist.

Sarah Palin is so tough the podium ran away!

Sarah Palin is so tough that she decided to take a ten minute stroll during her lunch hour and ended up winning the Iditarod.

Alaska does not have the death penalty. Instead, murderers are offered the choice between life imprisonment or being given a one hour head start before Palin is allowed to hunt them down. So far, all have chosen life in prison.

Palin single-handedly excavated the Bering Strait on her lunch hour because she “…didn’t like the look of them Russkies”

Sarah Palin doesn’t churn butter. She roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Sarah Palin is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly she will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

During the months of Arctic darkness, the sun shines 24 hours a day in Juneau by executive order from Goveror Palin.

She hunts and eats moose- not for the meat, but because one once crossed the street in front of her car, delaying her trip by 8 seconds. The insult was not forgotten.

Oil is a fossil fuel, derived from the remnants of dead plants and animals. There is oil in Alaska only because Sarah Palin’s ancestors liked to hunt there.

Sarah Palin holds the women's record for the fastest mile. She did it in high heels and it's faster than the mens record.

There are no hurricanes in Alaska because Sarah Palin prevents them.

One time Sarah Palin was attacked in the Alaskan wilderness by a ferocious grizzly, but she was unharmed because she convinced the bear to be pro-life.

When Sarah Palin was doing commercial fishing she once broke all the fingers on one hand. Pain means nothing to Sarah, so she kept working for the rest of the day. What really made her mad was when she noticed that she broke a nail.

Once, Sarah Palin slammed her garage door shut, and caused an avalanche in a mountain valley 12 miles away.

When life hands Sarah Palin lemons, she uses them to beat terrorists. She hates lemonade.


Bruce Willis is jealous of her children’s names. Wow. (http://bestsmileys.com/lol/4.gif)

 ;D   ;D   ;D    ROFL!




I LIKE Governor Sarah Palin! She is truly a breath of fresh air!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v311/randers/payn080617_03_cmyk.jpg)

 ;D   ;D   ;D

That only applies if their name is Miranda!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 ;D   ;D

I can see that the cartoonists are going to have a field-day with this election. Somehow, I don't think it would be smart to even wear moose-scent after-shave in the general vicinity, and wearing antlers would be out of the question.

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x125/luvmarley_bucket/cid_006701c66bbe0d2562b00900a8c0Dis.gif)

Leno:

And as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up.

And out on the campaign trail this week, once again, John McCain spoke about the nightmare of being stuck in a tiny 8 x 10 room, thinking he might go crazy. Not in Vietnam; when he got stuck in the Capitol elevator with Joe Biden and he wouldn't shut up.

And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate. Well, Biden has 35 years of experience in Washington. So between the two of them, that's almost 36 years of experience.

As you know, John McCain is an older white haired man who has been in the Senate over 20 years, voted for the Iraq war, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on. I’m sorry, I got confused.

Letterman:

Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years.

Kimmel:

Barack Obama's freshly-minted running mate, Sen. Joe Biden, also spoke tonight, and I have to say, after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a vice president with the last name 'Biden' is beyond me. Not that there's anything wrong with the name of Biden, but Obama-Biden, it's like they're trying to make their ticket sound as much like Osama Bin Laden as possible. They found the two guys in America whose names match up most closely with the person we hate more than anyone in the world, and they put them on the bumper stickers, very good thinking.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v311/randers/Cartoons/gm081009.jpg)

 ;D   ;D   ;D

WHAT? - No Tinkerbell?

Tinkerbell is one of them that is paying ACORN.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v311/randers/Cartoons/varv10212008a.jpg)

Hahhaha!  Good one PR!

 ;D   ;D   ;D   Thanks - I needed that laugh. It does no good to get down, so we might as well all laugh, pray, and continue with GOD'S Business - HE will take care of the rest.

 ;D  Just in case, I am trying to determine what the requirements are to survive COMMUNISM. I don't mind trying to reduce my CARBON FOOTPRINT some, but that's just about ALL.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Things to do on a slow day

Start each day with a positive outlook.......... :P :P

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Fill it with useless junk.

4. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

5. Empty the Recycle Bin.

6. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama??'

7. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

8. Feel better??


GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!! ;D ;D ;D

 ;D   ;D  ROFL! - Thanks - I needed that laugh!

I think that we might want to use one of those "industrial strength" file wipers or shredders. I wouldn't want that file coming back!   YES - the thought of deleting that file DOES make me feel better!

A travel agent for thirty years in our nation's capital has this to report:


"This is why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.


I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response.( click).


A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"


I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, No." She said, "But they look so close on the map.


An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."


An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a. m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a. m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!


A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"


I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."


A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"


A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"


A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

I would be laughing but ....

I think it would be more fitting for that plane to be either upside down or heading straight down to the ground.


I wonder if that's the one that was on Obama's campaign.

You know what would really tick off Nobama and Hellary........

Bush should resign now.

Then Dick Cheney would be President, that would really tick off the liberals!!

Then he appoints Condoleezza Rice as VP.

Then Cheney resigns two weeks later and Condoleezza Rice, a Republican, becomes the first BLACK President and the first WOMAN President!

 ;D   ;D    I like it! - GREAT IDEA!

 ;D ;D

YES!! I like it, too.

ROFL

That would be great....would be the first black and the first female Pres....that would be rich.

I like the way you think!  Twisted.

Sister I'm not twisted, warped a little bit but, not twisted. ;D ;D ;D ;D

 ;D   ;D

UM?  -  Maybe somewhere beyond warped, and we might have to invent another descriptor.

But I learned it from you brother. ;)

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.  Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied.  'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.  If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.  Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?  I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 ;D   ;D    ROFL!

The above was an unfair question for Pelosi. She only went sailing once and sailed off the corner of the ocean, but she made it back.   :'(