Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

(Real??) Insurance Responses..........

The reason I had this difficulty is that the tree wasn't where it would have been if I had selected the right driveway, but since I did not, there it was where it shouldn't be, and this is why I hit it.

The other car appeared, as out of nowhere, although I am sure it was somewhere before it appeared, and once it did, hitting it was the only thing left for me to do, so I did it, and frankly, I rather enjoyed it.

The stop sign which caused this action appeared there recently and was new to me.  It cause me great alarm and when I am watching its pole, I note the sign is too low for the car, which is why it destroy the windshield.  When I note this, it excite me, and that is when wall came into line of drive and cause me to ruin radiator, but not until I got the truck of the man who was putting up those stop signs. If there were more space on this form I tell you about baby carriage, but this is enough information for you for one day.

I know of no driving manual which suggests that passengers depart from the cabin of the car when going around the corner at such speeds.  When this happened, I took evasive action, and that is when I wiped out those other five cars, the bus and the branch bank office.  One of the passengers who got out of the other car still managed to come through my windshield, at considerable additional cost, may I add.

The other car collided with mine without even giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment.

To avoid hitting the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.

In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

I saw a sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off of the hood of my car.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching; I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck my front end.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

[nChrist]

All About Pipes..................

All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

The internal diameter of the pipe must not exceed the overall diameter otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that the water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date

All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.
Note: Some suppliers are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time on the job.

All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly marked on each end so people will know it is a long pipe.

Pipe over two miles (3.2km) must also have the words "long pipe" painted on the middle so people will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long or short pipe.

All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it so that it cannot be mistaken for a small pipe.

Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

When ordering 90, 34 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

Be sure to specify to your supplier whether you want level,  uphill, or downhill pipe.  If you use downhill pipe for going uphill the water will flow the wrong way.

All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads.  Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe it is being unscrewed from the other.

When pipe is being installed in a "non-pressure" situation (e.g. gravity return, overflow or drain) the word "top" must be painted in a prominent position so that the water runs only on the bottom of the pipe.

The word "end" showing where hollow pipe stops, and solid pipe begins shall be clearly marked on all such sections.  No length shall have an "end" more than halfway from the middle, nor more than one "end" per length.

Each pipe length must be clearly marked with an arrow denoting direction of flow on each end.

Pipe will be either "unidirectional" or "bi-directional" and in such cases will bear the arrow symbol with the arrow head pointing to where the conveyed material is supposed to go.

[Brother Love]

Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight.
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight.

You should of went to bed

You get "TWO"Thumbs DOWN

[Shammu]

Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight.
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight.

You should of went to bed

You get "TWO"Thumbs DOWN

Oh well, let me take care of your mistake.

You should of went to bed

You get "TWO"Thumbs DOWNUP

[sincereheart]

Two gentlemen boarded a coast-to-coast flight and were seated next to each other on the commerical plane.

After breezing through the on-flight magazine, the first man turned to the other and asked, what do you do? The gentleman replied: "I am a pastor of a church."

"Oh," said the first man quickly. "I don't believe in this religious stuff. It's for kids, you know, like the song 'Jesus Loves Me This I know, for the Bible tells me so...."
The minister politely laughed and asked the other man what he did for a living.

"I am an astronomer," said the first man.
"Oh, that stuff," said the minister. I thought it was just for kids, you know - 'Twinkle, twinkle little star....'"

[Shammu]

 A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"


The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.


A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"


A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

[Shammu]

 I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."


One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.

[Shammu]

Statistics
If a church's average morning attendance is 100, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: about ten)
If a church's average morning attendance is 2,500, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: A Sunday evening what?)
Pastor Price has been at First Church for three years, and attendance has been growing at a rate of 11.3 percent annually, volunteerism is up, the budget is balanced, & the bathrooms painted.
What percentage salary increase can Pastor Price expect? (Answer: He will be fired for painting the bathrooms without calling a congregational meeting.)
When listening to a colleague preach, what percentage of pastors are convinced they could do a better job? (Answer: 63%. The rest aren't listening at all.)
What percentage of a pastor's time is spent in each of the following areas?
A. Prayer (Answer 3%)
B. Study & preparation (Answer: 8%)
C. Member care & counseling (Answer: 5%)
D. Leadership & Administration (Answer: 2%)
E. Little things pastors were not trained for, rarely understand, & are not in any job description (Answer: 81%)


A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


The Hikers
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

[Shammu]

A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can't even swim!"


Hospital Bills
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."


PRAYER
An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.
What on earth are you up to?" he asked.
"I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl.
"But I can't think of exactly the right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I'm thinking."


A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.
Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...and somebody was standing in front of the "S"!


THE ONE DOLLAR BILL

There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building. As they were laying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long time?" The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball!! I've been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino!! I have done it all!!!"


After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1dollar bill, "What about you? Where have you been?" The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints , the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the... "WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A M I N U T E !!", shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church??"

[Shammu]

EULOGY

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"


Kid prayers, you got to love them.

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.
There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

[Shammu]

Falling Down

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.


Sounds of the Night

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
From:Kelly McClendon (kellymac@aye.net)
Maybe it's because our church just had it's 70th funereal in the past 3 1/2 years (four since Christmas) but I thought this was hilarious.


Chocolate Chip Cookies

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies!

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil?

He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.

"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Shammu]

Jokes that you can tell at choir practice

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said.....
'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."


One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."


For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[Shammu]

Ok...here it is:
a man was hiking through a forest and was becoming very tired. then he stumbled upon a farm that had plenty of horses.he asked the farmer if he could borrow one."well son,"the farmer said,"i can only lend u one cause all the others are working.but it is a special horse.if u want to make it go say praise the Lord, and if u want it to stop say amen. now the man climbed on and shouted praise the Lord, the horse ambled along it picked up speed after a time and didn't stop.by this time the man could not remember what to say to make it stop.he saw a cliff Right in front of him.then he started to pray of course at the end of he said amen.he horse stopped right at the adge of the cliff.the man breathed a sigh of relief and shouted praise the Lord.

one day there was this little girl and said can a whale swallow a man.the teacher said no it is phisically impossible.the girl said dont you believe the story of jonah and the whale the teacher said yes but it is phisically impossible for a whale to swallow a man.well when i go to heaven i am going to ask jonah if he really got swallowed by a whale.the teacher said what if jonah went to you know where.the little girl replied then you ask him

There are only eaghtteen latters in the alphabet becouse E.T went home in his U.F.O and the C.I.A wentafter him.

The photographer for a National Magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he franctically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled "Let's go Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the North side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

[Shammu]

Which Way to Heaven?

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."


Lesson in Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


Unwanted Visitor

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."


Visiting Pastor

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:

I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10


Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Where is God

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?"

The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.

The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"

The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.

The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"

To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office.

The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

[Shammu]

Preaching
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Prospecting for the Lord
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."


A Special Find
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


Cost of a Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."


The Helper
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"