Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shylynne]

I`m gonna hate myself for asking...

Who is Mr. Greenjeans  

[Shylynne]

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will, what will ? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."  

[Shylynne]

I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about, so I pass on this sad, sad news.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and....well, you know the rest.

 

[Shammu]

Shylynne,Surely this one isn't a groaner, or is it?  


 

Just for you Shylynne,
What does a boa constrictor use to make herself look prettier?
Hair coilers!

 

man you men really do need halp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL, wheres your sense of humor?

[Shylynne]

The snake swallowed it  


 

[nChrist]

   Shylynne,

Thanks, I needed that laugh. I think that I heard a different version once.
_______________________

Things My Mother Taught Me:

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.

and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

[nChrist]

The Public Pool:

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

[nChrist]

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

[nChrist]

Laws of Household Physics:

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

[nChrist]

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[Shammu]

What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them?
Mice Krispies!

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!

What is a mouse's favorite record?
'Please cheese me'!

What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!

[Shammu]

What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
Mice cubes!

What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!

What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!

Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!

[Shammu]

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards!

What's the hardest part of milking a mouse?
Getting it to fit over a bucket!

Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant?
Sir!

What do mice do when they're at home?
Mousework!

[Shammu]

What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see?
Three blind mice!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
A hamster!

When should a mouse carry an umbrella?
When it's raining cats and dogs!

What's the definition of a narrow squeak?
A thin mouse!

Is there a mouse in the house?
No, but there's a moose on the loose!

[Shammu]

What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!

Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!

What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet of washing up powder?
Bubble and squeak!