Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

What's a mouse's favorite record?
Please cheese me!

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?
A mouse sandwich!

What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse?
Sir!

How do mice celebrate when they move home?
With a mouse warming party!

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves?
Mickey Moose!

[Shammu]

How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam!

What's a mouse's least favorite record?
What's up Pussycat!

Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!

What do rodents say when they play bingo?
'Eyes down for a full mouse'!

[Shammu]

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'! :eek:

What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!

Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!

What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!

[Shammu]

Who is the most agreeable mouse?
U. Nanny Mouse

Which mouse learned to pick locks?
Mick Key Mouse

Which mouse is in charge of the mail?
The Postmouseter General

What does Sherlock Mouse do for a living?
He solves mouseteries

Who is the largest mouse in the world?
E. Norm Mouse

[Shammu]

What does a 500-pound mouse say?
"Here kitty, kitty kitty ..."

What do you call the conductor of an all-mouse orchestra?
Micetro

How can you tell when a mouse is too cold?
When he becomes a micecicle

What four-letter word do mice use when they get angry?
RATS!

Where do mice go to get their prescriptions filled?
A pharmousey

Where did mice hang out in the 1920's?
In squeakeasies

What games to mice like to play at parties?
Mouseical chairs

What does a mice artist call his greatest work?
A mouseterpiece

[Shammu]

One lab mouse to another:
I've trained that crazy human at last.
How have you done that?
I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

What kind of musical instrument do mice play ?
A mouse organ !

Why do mice have long tails ?
Well, they'd look silly with long hair !

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves ?
Mickey Moose !

How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !

What's a mouse's least favorite record ?
What's up Pussycat !

[Shammu]

Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !

What do rodents say when they play bingo ?
'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer ?
Mice cubes !

Is there a mouse in the house ?
No, but there's a moose on the loose !

When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?
When it's raining cats and dogs !

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights ?
A mouseketeer !

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk ?
Dirty looks from the mouse !

What's the definition of a narrow squeak ?
A thin mouse !

I posted these cause I didn't want to stop on the number before. :eek:

[Shammu]

I know a few more Groaners.

Moron Joke :

A moron walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The moron looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. A woman walks up behind the moron and watches his antics for a few minutes before stopping and and asking if someone else could have a go. The moron spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."

[Shammu]

My name is DUH WISE MONKEY.

Monkey Bar
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his nose, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his nose, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Shammu]

Duh Bar Bet
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. "Your on!", he says.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[Shammu]

Good Looking Beer
A man walks into a bar and orders one beer.

Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another beer.

After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another beer.

The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look ugly, I go home."

[Shammu]

Monkey and the Cap Seller

Once upon a time, there lived a poor cap seller in a small village.  He earned his livelihood stiching caps and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the caps missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his caps. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his caps. He lifted the cap on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their apeing habits the monkeys followed suit. The cap seller, then collected all the caps and triumphantly proceeded to the market.

As the years pass by, the cap seller has a grandson who too ends up being a cap seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell caps in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble.

So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the caps gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the caps. Smiling to himself he says, "Aha ! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick ! So he hurls his cap to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young capless monkey sitting in the tree. This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's cap and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically "HA, HA ! SO, DID YOU THINK THAT ONLY YOU HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA ??" :-)

[Shammu]

Top 16 Differences if a Monkey was President

16  Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR's early space program.

15  National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President's relatives with typewriters.

14  Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!

13  "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.

12  First President in diapers since the Reagan years.

11  Shiny red butt could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.

10  Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.

9   N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy paws off me, you dirty ape!" (Planet of the Apes quote.)

8   Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration.

7   New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

6   State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.

5   President's IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh's.

4   To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.

3   "No, Ms. Embry, you can't spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!"

2   During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson's toupee.

and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey...

1   On executive decisions: Silly toothy grin means "yes." Loud raspberry means "no."

[Shammu]

Sock Monkey

A guy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more cash?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! They actually have a program here that teaches sock monkeys to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get one in that program?"

"Just send me a sock monkey with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends a sock monkey and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.

"So how's the sock monkey doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach a sock monkey to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the sock monkey can't read or talk. So he shoots the sock monkey. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's the sock monkey? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. This morning when I got out of the shower, the sock monkey was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the Tribune, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your father still messin' around with that blonde that lives over on Lake Shore Drive?' "

His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"

[Shammu]

A man who owned a hand-operated rotisserie (rotating spit for cooking meat) was barbecuing a chicken in his back yard when a hippie strolled by.

The hippie stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said slowly, "Uh... I don't want to bug you man, but your music's stopped, and your monkey's on fire."

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead!

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? She was stapled to the first one!

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure!

Mark Twain