Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

     

Shylynne, this one is for you. When all else fails to get a laugh from a woman, one must add the element of children.  
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Mom's Brownies Recipe:

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell little Jimmy "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from little Jimmy and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from little Jimmy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from little Jimmy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from little Jimmy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the stinking and smoldering teddy bear out of the broiler and call the EPA for proper disposal.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know little Jimmy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put little Jimmy in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for little Jimmy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie little Jimmy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

[nChrist]

The Business Offer:

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[nChrist]

  - Another one for Shylynne involving children.

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Parent's Dictionary of Meanings:

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

[nChrist]

4 Letter Words:

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... words like:

DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK....

[Shammu]

Age is a Funny Thing

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

[Shammu]

50-40-30

A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"  

[Shammu]

Accent

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

[Shammu]

The Accident

A six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

[Shammu]

After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

[Reba]

One morning ,after being up all nite with the new baby, while folding the tons of wash, potty training the toddler develop,... My oldest about 4 year old granddaughter exictedly said to her mom.  "  MOM MOM I promise i will never get into the honey again"  

Being the grandma is the best...

[nChrist]

Children bring something special to a home: laughter, tears, love .... noise .... carpet stains.....  A variety of odors.......

[nChrist]

I told the kids whoever minds mother the best gets five bucks every Saturday. This is the third straight week I've won.

[nChrist]

My daughter is learning to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the piano. I'd like to find that little star and send her there for lessons.

[nChrist]

Elderly Sisters:

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 ear old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know.  I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood," and she knocked on the table. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[nChrist]

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss,  were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a soda pop."
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(I resemble that remark)