Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Hamster Care

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

(Get it?)

[nChrist]

Beef Prices

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

[nChrist]

Military Man

A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

(Get it?)

[HisDaughter]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
 
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from  San Francisco  to  New York City  ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'O K . Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
 
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
 
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
 
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
 
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
 
......................................................................
 
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, looks like she's there.'

[nChrist]

          THANKS! - I needed these laughs.

[HisDaughter]

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[nChrist]

   Consider that cool graphic snagged, and I just made a dental appointment for my wife.

[nChrist]

Priory Priority

The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.

"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."

"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my iPhone in there."

(This couldn't be a groaner - could it?)

[HisDaughter]

This priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

     

[HisDaughter]

Hollywood Squares
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted like they are now. Or were they?

If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes...

You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.

According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way...

What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!

If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him, I guess.

Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army!

While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean? George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Which stays pregnant longer? Your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water. 
 

[nChrist]

Family Togetherness

An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."

"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.

"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."

The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"

"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.

[nChrist]

Suspicious Delivery

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

[nChrist]

Rejection Rejection

Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your own:

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [company name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

[nChrist]

(By email from my son - finally a great joke)   

Heaviest Element Known to Science: Governmentium


    Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

    In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

    When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

(My Note:  Does this sound like anything going on now?)

[nChrist]

Minivan Tow

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"