Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

(By email from a bunch of school teachers.)   

YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL EMPLOYEE

You might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

You might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.'

You might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

You might be a school employee if you can tell it's a full moon or if it's going to rain, snow, hail .... anything!!  Without ever looking outside.

You might be a school employee if you believe, 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on a report card.

You might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.'

You might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June.

You might be a school employee if think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

You might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the 'lounge.'

You might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-Haul boxes should they decide to move out of the district.

You might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

You might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, 'Why is this kid like this?'

You might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

You might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons .. and desks and chars for that matter!

You might be a school employee if the words 'I have college debt for this?' has ever come out of your mouth.

You might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

(All kidding aside, there are still many great school employees who do a labor of love for our children. They are grossly under-paid and under-appreciated.)

[nChrist]

Stockbroker's Secretary

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.

"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

[HisDaughter]

You might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

That the one that really gets the point across!   

[HisDaughter]

The Old Golfer

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
 

[HisDaughter]

                 THINGS I LEARNED IN COLLEGE

- That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class; I'd sleep right through it.

- That I could change so much and barely realize it.

- That college kids throw airplanes too.

- That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, "Why are you so dressed up?"

- That every clock on campus shows a different time.

- That if you were smart in high school--so what?

- That I would go to a party the night before a final.

- That Chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.

- That you can know everything and fail a test.

- That you can know nothing and ace a test.

- That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.

- That MOST of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.

- That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.

- That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

- That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.

- That Psychology is really Biology, and that Biology is really Chemistry,

- That Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.
 
                             

[nChrist]

    

(email from one of my Brothers - some real rib-ticklers!)
_________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
________________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'  She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
_________________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I, Let's have a beer.'
_________________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'    She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'  He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_________________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,

'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but  I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_________________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7 7. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

________________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat  was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, NO!, am I driving ?'

[nChrist]

Cat Sitting

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

   (No, but I've never looked for cat skeletons in trees.)

[HisDaughter]

Those were some good ones BEP!   

[HisDaughter]

How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
Saturday Night Fever.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch enemies.

As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?"

[Shammu]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.  The husband picks up a case of Bud Light and puts it in their cart.  "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.  "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:  "So does 24 cans of Bud Light and it's half the price."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah..................... but who's sleeping on the couch for the next month??

[Shammu]

Al-Qaeda Kidnaps Obama's Teleprompter

In an audacious raid Friday, al-Qaeda terrorists managed to slip past White House security and seize President Obama's teleprompter. Their demands were released in a grainy video, which apparently showed the president's teleprompter, bound and blindfolded but  unharmed, while heavily armed masked men stood behind it, quoting from the Qur'an. The content of their demands is not being released.

President Obama, visibly shaken, attempted to address the White House press corps on his own. "Words, uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well..."
~
*Leon Panetta, CIA Director:* I'd like to address the terrorists, wherever they are hiding: If you did this because you were annoyed by our president saying "uh" too often in his speeches, then stealing the teleprompter is not going to help. Just think about it.


*President Obama:* Uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well...


*Janet Napolitano, DHS Secretary*: I want to stop this misguided nonsense of calling terrorism "man-made disaster." A terrorist is a terrorist. They are evildoers and not "man-made disaster operators" for crying out loud!

"We need a verb!" shouted David Gregory of MSNBC.

"I uh, know that," quipped the president testily. "And... I'll make sure my staff, uh, gets back with you," he resumed after regaining his composure.

Bravely attempting to continue his speech without the teleprompter, Mr. Obama said, "Um, let me be, uh, clear. Um, this barbaric act will not be, you know, tolerated. And... We call on all nations to help us fi-fi-find that, uh, you know, teleprompter. You're either with us or, um, against us. And... I have authorized CIA director, uh, Leon Panetta to use, um, enhanced interrogation techniques to be e-e-employed to help us gain, um, like facts and stuff... that these uh, you know, evildoers may have. And... I have directed that one prisoner be executed every 30 minutes until they-they-they restore that, uh, you know, teleprompter."

Vice President Joseph "Fightin' Joe" Biden spoke next. "Let me at 'em!" the former senator growled. "I know where these people work. After our helicopter was forced down in Afghanistan, I held these thugs off for a week in bitter hand-to-hand fighting. You'd better mark my words: the only language these Neanderthals understand is brute force, and they're messing with the wrong man. Sure everybody thinks we're a bunch of imbeciles up here, and that may be true, but let me tell you, they've got another thing coming. We're in this fight for the long haul, or as I like to say it, 'If necessary for years, if necessary alone.'"

"Until that teleprompter is found," fumed Senate majority leader Harry Reid, we must, and we will prosecute this war to victory. I assure the president of the full, bipartisan support of the US Senate. Defeat is not an option."

"Why these terrorist animals aren't on the rack having their bones slowly pulled out of their sockets is beyond me," complained House speaker Nancy Pelosi. "I mean, I know that the 9-11 attacks were totally inappropriate, and like all Americans I was shocked by the environmental damage, but this latest action is beyond the pale. Clearly, it points to the failure of the last administration," continued Pelosi. "Contrary to my urgings to use any medieval form of torture they could conceive of, they insisted on being overly concerned about the rights and humane treatment of these, these, ugh! I don't care if I personally have to pull out their fingernails with rusty pliers! That teleprompter *must* be restored to the American people."

In the meantime, the Pentagon has canceled all leave while anonymous sources report that the Strategic Air Command and nuclear missile submarines have had their level of readiness raised to DEFCON 1.

[Shammu]

Just your average farmer

An economist and a farmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Phoenix to Boston. The economist leans over to the farmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The farmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The economist persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, the farmer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The economist, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!" figuring that since the guy's just a farmer that he will easily win the match.

This catches the farmer's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game.

The economist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The farmer doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the economist.

Now, it's the farmer's turn. He asks the economist "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The economist looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the farmer and hands him $500. The farmer politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The economist, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the farmer and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the farmer reaches into his wallet, hands the economist $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Shammu]

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!!



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?






~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?




~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right.......Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?




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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

 
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ANSWER

He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple... Like you! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One-Question IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
 

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
 
 .

.

.
.
 
 Your answer?
 
.
 
.

.

.

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.


I've got mine shutting down right now.

[nChrist]

[nChrist]

Tired Son

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."