Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

       

I felt the same way when I read this in my email. I also fit in the category of several medications marked "no refills" that I will have to take for the rest of my life. So, I resemble this joke.

[HisDaughter]

Prescription Worries

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[HisDaughter]

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "How do I get to the capitol building?"

The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
 

[nChrist]

       

Hello grammyluv,

Sister, that reminded me of one of my favorite blond jokes of all time. I don't remember if I've posted it or not, but here's a version of it.
_____________________

The Row Boat:

A blond is sitting in a row boat in the middle of a wheat field rowing away. Another blond is driving down a road nearby - sees her - gets angry - stops - gets out - and starts yelling at the blond in the row boat:  "It's blonds like you who give the rest of us a bad reputation! If I could swim, I would come out there and beat you up!"

______________________
Another One:
______________________

The Blond Traffic Cop:

A blond traffic cop stops another blond for speeding. YES, the speeder was another blond. She asked the blond for her driver's license, and the speeder said she might have a hard time finding it. She started looking through her purse and the officer came closer to watch. After all, she might have a gun in that purse. Please keep in mind that it was almost high noon, and the officer was looking down into the purse when a compact fell open. The officer saw an image and said "wait a minute!" YES, she did see an image and said:  that's okay, why didn't you tell me that you were in law enforcement? No ticket - not even a warning.

(Small Print:  If you don't get this one, think about it a minute.)

[HisDaughter]

Bumper Stickers For Women


Some are more true than others. ........

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.




(Last year I took First Place at State....I just forget what state I was in....but I think Hospital was also on the gate sign.) 

[Shammu]

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car..

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first..

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.......... they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading   glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, I fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter........

The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, And I'll try to get some help for it, But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.........
Send this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[nChrist]

Bumper Stickers For Women


Some are more true than others. ........

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.




(Last year I took First Place at State....I just forget what state I was in....but I think Hospital was also on the gate sign.) 

       

Thanks, I needed this laugh.

Women who can shoot well may be in great demand soon.   

[nChrist]

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car..

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first..

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.......... they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading   glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, I fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter........

The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, And I'll try to get some help for it, But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.........
Send this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

          Senioritis or better known as YDS - Youth Deprived Syndrome.

[HisDaughter]

Signs That You Are Really Broke

* American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

* Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

* You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

* You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

* Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

* Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

* You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

* You receive care packages from Europe.

* Your bologna has no first name.

* You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

* You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

* You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

* You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

* McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

* Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."

* The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets

(Yesterday a neighborhood dog only stopped to bark at me while he passed by.  I wonder what he was trying to say?)
 

[nChrist]

Grammyluv Said:

Signs That You Are Really Broke

          ROFL! - That was hilarious. THANKS!

[HisDaughter]

         ROFL! - That was hilarious. THANKS!

I love this graphic!  I'm going to have to have it!

[HisDaughter]

What gender is it?

If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example.........

1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can
see right through them.

2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.
 

[HisDaughter]

The Classifieds

If you see this describing a man, here's what it really means:

40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose,& back

Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit - Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking - Arrogant

Honest - Pathological Liar

Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle - Insecure, overly dependent

Mature - Until you get to know him

Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your sister

Physically fit - I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable - Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful - Says "please" when demanding a beer
 
 

[HisDaughter]

Marriage

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and
lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only
marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
 
 

[nChrist]

Tree Faller

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"