Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Lengthy Discourse

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"

His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"

[nChrist]

Historical Application

Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.

"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg

"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.

"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."

"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"

[nChrist]

Shopping Remote

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally."

[nChrist]

Movie Seats

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.

Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."

[nChrist]

Doctor in the House

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"

[nChrist]

At Home

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

[Shammu]

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
 
Depression is when you lose yours.









And recovery is when Obama loses his...........................

[HisDaughter]

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
 
Depression is when you lose yours.









And recovery is when Obama loses his...........................

[HisDaughter]

Warning from Pakistan
 
 This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq
continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America' supply of convenience store managers
and possibly candidates for President of the United States and if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, and then Motel 6 managers.
 
 It's going to get ugly!

[HisDaughter]

 My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do
 you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
 asked, "No, how are we alike?"

 "You're both old," he replied.
---------------------------------
 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
 grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
 "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't
 read."
------------------------------------
 I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet,
 so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
 it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so
 I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
 think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

[nChrist]

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do
 you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
 asked, "No, how are we alike?"

 "You're both old," he replied.
---------------------------------
 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
 grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
 "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't
 read."
------------------------------------
 I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet,
 so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
 it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so
 I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
 think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

           ROFL!

I have three grandsons and resemble these remarks.

[HisDaughter]

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we
 kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
 insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
 did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming
 after us with flashlights."

-------------------------------------------
 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
 "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine
 says I'm four to six."

-------------------------------------------
 A second grader came home from school and said to her
 grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
 The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
 "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple,"
 replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

----------------------------------------
 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
 said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
 pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
 know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy
 confidently. "It means carrying a child."

[HisDaughter]

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell                 
  him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not       
  going.'                                                                       
  'Why not?' she asked.                                                         
  I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't                   
  like me, and (2), I don't like them.'                                         
  His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why                       
  YOU SHOULD go to church.                                                     
  (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'                         
                                                                               
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                 
  A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's                       
  annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.       
  'This baked ham is really delicious,'You don't know what you're missing. You 
  just haven't lived until                                                     
  you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi,           
  when are you going to break down and try it?'                                 
  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said,                     
  'At your wedding.'                                                           

[HisDaughter]

A Rejection Letter From The Tooth Fairy
Dear _________________ :

Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care

( ) other:

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy
 

[HisDaughter]

THINGS I LEARNED IN COLLEGE

- That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class; I'd sleep right through it.

- That I could change so much and barely realize it.

- That college kids throw airplanes too.

- That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, "Why are you so dressed up?"

- That every clock on campus shows a different time.

- That if you were smart in high school--so what?

- That I would go to a party the night before a final.

- That Chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.

- That you can know everything and fail a test.

- That you can know nothing and ace a test.

- That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.

- That MOST of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.

- That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.

- That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

- That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.