Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell'                       
  assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share       
  with the class that represented their religion. The first student got         
  up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Benjamin and I am             
  Jewish and this is a Star of David.'                                         
  The second student got up in front of the class and said,                     
  'My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.'                       
  The third student got in up front of the class and said,                     
  'My name is Tommy. I am Baptist , and this is a casserole.'       

[nChrist]

Good Singer

In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."

Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"

[nChrist]

Kind Word

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

[nChrist]

Flower Oil

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

[nChrist]

Boring Flight

Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.

"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."

When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles. Now it's your turn."

The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.

The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.

[nChrist]

Kid Wisdom

When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

[nChrist]

Laws of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

[nChrist]

Dollar Math

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."

The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."

Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."

[HisDaughter]

Boring Flight

Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.

"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."

When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles. Now it's your turn."

The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.

The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.

These are all really good BEP!  But I think this one is my favorite.  Has that sacasasm that suits my personality so well!   

[HisDaughter]

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best                       
  positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.             
  'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest                     
  said.                                                                         
  'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing                     
  with my hands outstretched to Heaven.'                                       
  'You're both wrong,' the guru said.                                           
  'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.'             
  The repairman could contain himself no longer.                               
  'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I       
  was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'

[nChrist]

These are all really good BEP!  But I think this one is my favorite.  Has that sacasasm that suits my personality so well!   

    

I think that I still have some from my wife's teacher friends to post. I can tell you that teachers also have a warped sense of humor. Don't tell my wife this or she'll stop forwarding me the jokes they send to each other. In their case, a little bit of humor regularly helps them maintain sanity. Of course, sanity is a matter of opinion and perspective.

(Small print: I'm talking about me in case my wife asks.)

[Shammu]

 
  The repairman could contain himself no longer.                               
  'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I       
  was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'

[HisDaughter]

A Redneck Letter

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. 



 

[nChrist]

           ROFL!

Thanks Grammyluv! - I needed those laughs, and you can consider the photos snagged. I've read similar redneck letters, but it's been a long time.

[HisDaughter]

          ROFL!

Thanks Grammyluv! - I needed those laughs, and you can consider the photos snagged. I've read similar redneck letters, but it's been a long time.

Is that your dog?