Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Vendor Problem

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

[HisDaughter]

  

I tried to send a fax once and I simply wasted my money. I even put double the amount of stamps required, and it didn't work.

Brother Tom, you are such a hick....

[HisDaughter]

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delagates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
 
 

[nChrist]

Brother Tom, you are such a hick....

       

This reminds me of a letter I got from mom when I was in the Army. At the bottom of the letter, she said:

"Son, if you don't get this letter, I didn't put enough postage stamps. Let me know if you don't get this."

(Small Print:    i r smart )

[HisDaughter]

     

This reminds me of a letter I got from mom when I was in the Army. At the bottom of the letter, she said:

"Son, if you don't get this letter, I didn't put enough postage stamps. Let me know if you don't get this."

(Small Print:    i r smart )

Sometimes when I do the bedchecks at the mission I will say, "Tell me now if you're not here so that I don't knock on your door!", as I'm walking down the halls!  The gals get a kick out of it.

[HisDaughter]

THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.
 
 

[Shammu]

Brother Tom, you are such a hick....

If brother Tom is a hick, what am I??

Remember brother Tom lives in the big city. After all, anything over 25,000 people is a big city slicker Least to me, he's a city slicker. Come to think of it, your a city slicker too...................

[nChrist]

If brother Tom is a hick, what am I??

Remember brother Tom lives in the big city. After all, anything over 25,000 people is a big city slicker Least to me, he's a city slicker. Come to think of it, your a city slicker too...................

    

Brother Bob,

Are you sure that you want to know? I was nice and simply said you were a MOUNTAIN MAN who got up every day - went to the top of the mountain - and sang , "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music". However, you did admit that you don't know how to YODEL.

LORD WILLING, I'm hoping not to be a city slicker in about 1 year. I've already seen the piece of land my kids want to buy, and it's just out in the county. I could actually get to medical services quicker from there than I can where we live now, so it would be perfect. It would be on the "SUPER MOTHER-IN-LAW PLAN". They would be on one side of the quarter section of land, and we would be on the other side. I would even have two excellent stock ponds to put catfish and crappie in. I would do the best I could to clear out all the snakes and turtles, grain-feed the fish, and make it nice for the grandsons. I would also be determined to have my own well and at least partial alternative energy sources. Wind and solar both are great here, and grants almost pay for the extra equipment. It would be SMALL, super energy-efficient, and have a built-in safe room for storms. By the way, there are also grants for safe rooms in this part of the country. The nice things about the extras I want would also reduce insurance and maybe even taxes - not to mention big savings on electricity. If we did things right, I think that the equity in our current house would almost pay for the new house.

In case you're wondering, I don't know "The Sound Of Music".   

[HisDaughter]

If brother Tom is a hick, what am I??

Remember brother Tom lives in the big city. After all, anything over 25,000 people is a big city slicker Least to me, he's a city slicker. Come to think of it, your a city slicker too...................

My guess would be that you're a bit of an outlaw....

[HisDaughter]

Bush Presidential Library Destroyed By Flood

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the
personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in
the presidential bathroom where both books were kept. Both his
books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president
was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
 

[HisDaughter]

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
 
 

[nChrist]

Fast Driver

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

(Small Print:  YES - this is funny.    )

[nChrist]

Cleaning Instructions

I bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

[HisDaughter]

Fast Driver

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

(Small Print:  YES - this is funny.   )

Cleaning Instructions

I bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

These are both really funny!  Good job BEP!  And now here is mine...in honor of all my doctors appointments lately....

DOCTORS
I don't have many aches and pains
And don't need rubs or ointments
But yet it seems I've always got
Some medical appointments.

My doctor looks me over but
he soon realizes,
That what I've got needs the care
Of one who specializes.

No matter who I go to see,
I'm never, ever late,
Appointment time means nothing,
I sit and wait and wait.

I see my ophthalmologist
Because of my glaucoma,
But by the time he gets to me
I'm blind and in a coma.

My dermatologist comes up next,
He says I'm one bad case,
And then proceeds to change
The whole appearance of my face.

My dentist plans new teeth for me,
He'll fix them on the spot,
The only problem is they'll cost
More money than I've got.

And though I kid around a bit,
To them a rousing cheer,
For if I did not have them all,
I doubt that I'd be here.
 

[HisDaughter]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even
though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went
around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more
slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was
quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past
the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried
a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the
mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.