Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

NEW MEDICINES FOR WOMEN

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
 
 

[nChrist]

    

We'll take a lifetime supply of the PARKATRON.

[nChrist]

Still More Bulletin Bloopers

Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.

The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.

We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"

Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.

Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.

The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus

Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.

Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.

The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.

[HisDaughter]

The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.

I may want to hire this group to work with me on Saturdays!   

[HisDaughter]

NEW MEDICINE FOR MEN

With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.

Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
 

[nChrist]

Eggplant Sale

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

[HisDaughter]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "no, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "you know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable." 
 

[nChrist]

    

But nobody wants to work on the politicians. It's hard being a healthcare provider these days.

[nChrist]

Razor Request

Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."

[HisDaughter]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

[nChrist]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

       

This makes perfect sense and should remind tourists to ask more than one question.

[HisDaughter]

Afghan TV Guide

MONDAYS
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Osama In The Middle"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS
8:00 - "Wheel of Torture"
8:30 - "Who Wants to be a Terrorist"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS
8:00 - "Dharma & Mohammed"
8:30 - "That Taliban Show"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS
8:00 - "Survivor - Afghanistan!"
8:30 - "Touched by an Infidel"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet-Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Afganistan's Funniest Surveillance Tapes"
9:00 - "What Law & Order?"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
 
 

[nChrist]

Afghan TV Guide

MONDAYS
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Osama In The Middle"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS
8:00 - "Wheel of Torture"
8:30 - "Who Wants to be a Terrorist"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS
8:00 - "Dharma & Mohammed"
8:30 - "That Taliban Show"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS
8:00 - "Survivor - Afghanistan!"
8:30 - "Touched by an Infidel"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet-Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Afganistan's Funniest Surveillance Tapes"
9:00 - "What Law & Order?"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

My favorite is "No-witness News", but I would like to know what happened to Fatal Jeopardy with Akbar.

[HisDaughter]

My favorite is "No-witness News", but I would like to know what happened to Fatal Jeopardy with Akbar.

Good point!

[HisDaughter]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.

"I am." replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be an administrator."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. You expect someone else to solve your problem. And the fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."