Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."

  Good one BEP!   hahaha!

[HisDaughter]

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."

Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
 
 

[HisDaughter]

You Might Be A Yankee If...

* You don't know kudzu from kung fu.

* You enjoy living in filth.

* The only kind of grass you've seen is the kind you smoke.

* You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.

* The thought of eating scrapple doesn't turn your stomach.

* You talk real fast and charm real slow.

* You think smog is a sky color.

* You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.

* You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.

* Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father's bedroom.

* You think okra is a talk show host.

* You can be surrounded by crime and "didn't see a thing!!"

* You didn't know chickens laid eggs and cows produced milk.

* You think Skoal is a form of punishment.

* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

* You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

* For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

* You don't know what a moon pie is.

* You've never had grain alcohol.

* You've never, ever, eaten okra.

* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

* You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

* You have no idea what a polecat is.

* You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

* You don't have bangs.

* You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

* More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

* Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

* You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

* You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

* The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

* You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

* The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

* You call binoculars opera glasses.

* You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

* You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

* You don't know what applique is.

* You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

* You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

* You've never been to a craft show.

* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

* You can't do your laundry without quarters.

* None of your fur coats are homemade.
 
Actually I DO have doilies laying around and I make them myself!  And I do love going to craft shows...But it is true that we say "you guys"!

[HisDaughter]

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU ! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.

This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.(Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door.Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee.As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
 
 

[HisDaughter]

His and Hers Road Trip

HER VERSION:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

4. Arrives at destination presently.



HIS VERSION:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window

5. Hocks a loogie

6. Pulls up to a 7 -11

7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer

15. Curses the night

16. Curses you

17. Curses the large slurpee

18. Stops by the side of the road

19 Takes a leak

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done

22. I think.

23. Returns to car

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again

26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn't find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary

32. Couldn't spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all

34. But she is laughing inside...

35. And of course you're still lost.
 

[HisDaughter]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

[Soldier4Christ]

His and Hers Road Trip

HER VERSION:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

4. Arrives at destination presently.



HIS VERSION:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window

5. Hocks a loogie

6. Pulls up to a 7 -11

7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer

15. Curses the night

16. Curses you

17. Curses the large slurpee

18. Stops by the side of the road

19 Takes a leak

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done

22. I think.

23. Returns to car

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again

26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn't find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary

32. Couldn't spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all

34. But she is laughing inside...

35. And of course you're still lost.
 

Now a smart man gets the directions on the computer before leaving and memorizes them, hides the directions in his pocket and refers to them again each time he stops to go the restroom where no one can see him doing it. (Unless of course he is purposefully trying not to get to her sisters place.) 

[HisDaughter]

You're Getting Older When...

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

 
 

[Shammu]

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Oh how true that is, and I ain't that old..................

[nChrist]

       OK - I might be getting old!

I won't tell you which ones on the list I don't resemble.

[Soldier4Christ]

      OK - I might be getting old!

I won't tell you which ones on the list I don't resemble.

     

The words "same" and "boat" seem to have a meaning here.

[nChrist]

   

The words "same" and "boat" seem to have a meaning here.

   Should we take an inventory and see if we have paddles for that boat?

[Soldier4Christ]

  Should we take an inventory and see if we have paddles for that boat?

I don't think that boat is in the creek any longer so paddles wouldn't matter.

[nChrist]

I don't think that boat is in the creek any longer so paddles wouldn't matter.

      Ooooooophs!

[nChrist]

Real 911 Calls

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.