Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

[Shammu]

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. to patient: "Well, Mrs. Jones, I'm afraid you're not quite as sick as we'd hoped."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

[Shammu]

Late one night the doctor's wife was home alone, after her husband had been called to the hospital for an emergency. The doorbell rings, and she answers.

"Is the doctor at home?" asks the man at the door, in a very hoarse and quiet voice due to his aching throat.

"No, c'mon in!" whispers the doctor's wife in return.

[Shammu]

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"

[Shammu]

THIS WON'T HURT A BIT: E.J. Mallory, an American Army dentist assigned to occupied Japan after World War II, was asked to make a set of dentures for Gen. Hideki Tojo, who was imprisoned awaiting trial for war crimes. Mallory, knowing who the dentures were for, inscribed a Morse code message into the false teeth of the man who approved the surprise attack on Hawaii that brought the U.S. into the war: "Remember Pearl Harbor". Mallory said recently the gag "wasn't anything done in anger. It's just that not many people had the chance to get those words into his mouth." A ham radio operator, Mallory used code instead of block letters to keep the message hidden. But the secret leaked out within weeks, and Mallory had to wake Tojo in the middle of the night to remove the phrase. The next morning, when an officer demanded to know "Is there any truth in this report that `Remember Pearl Harbor' is inscribed in the dentures?", Mallory was able to truthfully answer, "No Sir!" (AP) ...He took the words right out of my mouth.

[Shammu]

The Nineteenth Hole

Three physicians are out golfing - then, a sudden storm, a bolt of lightning, choir music in the background: you know the routine.

St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

The first one says: "Uh, well, I graduated second in my class from Yale, and decided to devote my career to the prevention of lazy-eye blindness in children. I've written more than twenty papers on the subject, have lectured at every medical society in the world, and was awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in recognition of my contributions, small as they were."

Peter looks at him and says: "Hell, I don't even need to call on you, I read some of your lectures myself. You're in!"

Sound of trumpets, gates open, angels carry him inside. "See you guys at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.

Peter says to the second of the trio: "OK, you're next. You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

Number two clears his throat and speaks quietly: "I, uh, didn't have the illustrious career of my fellow, but I can honestly say that I lived a good and productive life, and that I never cheated anybody or bent the rules to make my job easier. Come to think of it, I should also mention that I've spent one day a month at the free clinic for the past twenty-three years, helping to assure proper neo-natal and pre-natal care for disadvantaged mothers and children."

Peter looks at him and says: "Hmmm..." He picks up the gold plated telephone, says "Yes, sir", and listens for a moment: then nods, puts the phone down and says "The boss says the free clinic counts for a lot, and he'll let you slide on the affair with what's-his-name's secretary: you're in, too."

Sound of trumpets, yadda yadda, same routine. "See you at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.

"OK", says the Archangel, "third ones the charm. How about you?"

The last doctor straightens his back, looks him in the eye and speaks: "I realized very early on that my expertise was as a people manager, and I've made a solid career by forging proactive alliances between doctors, nurses, patients, and other health care professionals. I managed the Wall street Community Health Plan for seventeen years, and during my stay I formed the first Tiger teams in health care management, combining professionals from all areas of expertise to contain health care costs and establish realistic levels of care and service on a going forward basis. During my tenure at WCHP, the average cost of care per patient declined over sixty-four percent."

Saint Peter raises an eyebrow, and then the phone chimes: he lifts it slowly. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir, sixty-four percent". After a moment more, he smiles, and says "of course, sir, that's very fair."

"The boss says you can come in, too", he tells the much-relieved executive.

The gates slide open, the trumpets blare, the angels come out, and then Peter intones:

"Oh, by the way - the head guy only authorized a two-day stay."

[Shammu]

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

Doctor: Sell!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?

[nChrist]

      - Dreamweaver, I needed those laughs.
______________________

My Wife:

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

[nChrist]

New Baby:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[Shammu]

Sleeping at Work
Here are the twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk!

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, do you?!"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken."

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Its okay. I'm still billing the client."

1. "... and I especially want to thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

[Shammu]

Yes 2 sleeping on the job................



Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

[Shammu]

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

[Shammu]

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

[Shammu]

Photographer works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

[Shammu]

Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."