Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

This guy was watching television as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises. She shot back at him, "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."

So, he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak, baked potato, and a large glass of iced tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" To which he replied, "I thought you were dead..."

[Shammu]

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked: "Fish and Wildlife Service."

[Shammu]

Kitchen Plaques

1. Kitchen closed - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service ... If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day ... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it!

[Shammu]

Definitions of Cooking Terms

Calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Coffee (Arabian):
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.

Microwave Oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

Tongue:
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

[Shammu]

The one thing I've learned from all my years of cooking is that it's always quietest just before the fire alarm.


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A Thought: A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.


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A baker quit making doughnuts because he got tired of the hole business.


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"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright

[Shammu]

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?  
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!

Question: What did the egg say to the other egg?
Ans: Let's get cracking!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You are too young to smoke!

 
Q:What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
A: Mooo-ve over.

 
Why can't you play cards on a small boat?
Because someone is always sitting on the deck!

 
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry, I've got you covered!

A few groaners to start the day.

[Shammu]

Q: What gets bigger the more you take away?
A: A hole!

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

Why did the rooster cross the road?      
To prove he wasn't chicken !!

What gets wet the more you dry?
A towel  !!

[Shammu]

A little boy asked his teacher one day, "Teacherdo you punish people for things they don't do?"
The teacher replied, "No". The little boy said, "Good, because I did not do my homework".

 
Man goes into hairdressers, he has only three hairs on his head, hairdresser says "what would you like done?" man says, "side parting please" tries that and a hair falls out, so man says, "just make it a middle parting; tries that and another hair falls out, hairdresser says sorry, man says it's ok, just leave it a mess

Why did the chicken cross the road?    
To show the raccoon it could be done !!

 

What did one volcano say to the other?
Do you lava me like I lava you?

 

Question: What has 4 wheels and flies?
Ans: garbage truck!

 
Can you answer this ?
 If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
     
Why do candle trimmers work so few days a week?
They only work on wick-ends!

[nChrist]

       Thanks Dreamweaver - I needed those laughs. I'll try to do better and return the favor. I do have several jokes put in the computer from the jokes my wife's teacher friends pass around.

________________________

Good Mental Health Is A Must (***):

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.  When I came out there was a goofy motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.  So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!  I called him something related to horse exhaust.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.  My car was parked around the corner.

[nChrist]

A Sweet Old Lady (****):

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the luncheons a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to all human kind.  Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.  God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.  The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to drop dead.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna Waters

[nChrist]

Pretending To Be Married (****):

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea!!" she replies.  "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow!  That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies.  "Get your own stupid blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he had a severe exhaust problem.

[nChrist]

Well, the ladies will like this one. It will be time for a raiding party with them saying this one is the truth, not just a joke.  
__________________________

Fine Wine (****):

Men are like fine wine.  They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the pulp out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[nChrist]

UM?? - I'm thinking that most of those teachers must be women.  

____________________________

The Next Survivor Series (****):

Six men will be dropped on an island with:

1 car and 4 kids each for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There's only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 AM; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker, and get a 4 year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins...........only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years....... eventually earning the right to be called:

MOTHER

[Shammu]

Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[Shammu]

Deathbed Lawyer

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!




The bad thing is, I can see some lawyers doing this.