Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Censorship: A Question of Irony?

So, I was looking through the Prelinger Video Archives collection of 1940 through 1960's "Social Guidance" and other educational films. While most are good today only for a laugh, there are some relevant even today. (I'd like the Bush White House to all be tied to their seats to watch the cautionary piece on "Despotism.") Most films are downloadable in several video formats.
However, I was a bit disconcerted at the message I found when I checked the listing for "Censorship: A Question of Judgement?":

<hxxp://ggg.archive.org/movies/details-db.php?collection=prelinger&collecti onid=19437>


"This movie is currently unavailable for download because it cannot be located on our servers.  We apologize for the inconvenience and hope to have access to this movie restored as soon as possible."

[Shammu]

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[Shammu]

Actual Directions

These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!


1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
   "You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
   inside!"
   you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
   "Do not turn upsod down"
   (Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
   "Product will be hot after heating"
   (Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
   "Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
   (As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
   "WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
   (Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
   "Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
   You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
   "Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
   genitals!!"

[Shammu]

Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and Immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

[Shammu]

A Louisiana Ghost Story

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

[Shammu]

The Cat Clock
There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

[Shammu]

Shakespeare's Hokey Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.


Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.


The Hoke, the poke--banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.


Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."

[nChrist]

Dreamweaver Said:

Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."  

     Yes, but mine was the Dead Sea Scrolls version. Shakespeare was a new guy who caused lots of trouble.
___________________________

Take my wife, please!
By the late, great Henny Youngman.


A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
__________

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
__________

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
__________

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week,  we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
__________

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
__________

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
__________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
__________

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
__________

My wife has a black belt in shopping.
__________

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
__________

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
__________

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
__________

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
__________

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
__________

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
__________

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
__________

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
__________

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
__________

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
__________

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
__________

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
__________

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
__________

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
__________

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

[nChrist]

Wife Control

There were three blokes talking in the pub.  Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you.  Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.""

The first two blokes were amazed.  "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."  

[nChrist]

Problem With Euphemisms

A little boy walks into the living room where his parents are entertaining a large gathering of their friends and loudly announces, "Mommy, I have to poop!"

The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and says, "Now, Billy, the next time you have to go to the bathroom , say, 'Mommy, I have to whisper.'"

"Okay," says the boy.

That night little Billy wakes up at 3:00 AM and goes to his parents' bedroom where they are sound asleep.

He goes up to his mother and says, "Mommy, I have to whisper."

The mother drowsily replies, "I'm too tired now.  Go whisper in Daddy's ear.  

[nChrist]

BUBBA AND CLEM

Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."  (Groan)  

[nChrist]

SERIAL KILLER

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right" said the detective, "I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer."  (Old Groaner)  

[michael_legna]

The top brass of the different branches of the military were all arguing about which group had the most guts.

The Army General said he could prove his claim and called a private over.  Private he bellowed, take your bayonet off your rife and stab yourself in the thigh.

Yes Sir the private answered and quick as a wink they were hauling him off tot he infirmary.

Now that takes guts the General beamed.

That's nothign the Marine General says.  Private he yells calling over a Marine fresh from basic.  Shoot your big toe off he orders and quick as a wink the order is carried out.

Now that takes guts the General says smiling.

The Air Force Colonel just laughs.  That's nothing - watch this.  Grabbing a microphone he orders a pilot over head to crash his plane and sure enough his orders are carried out.

Now that takes guts he says defiantly.

All eyes turn to the Navy Admiral who is just sitting there smirking.  

Those were nothing he says and yells up to a sailor on the mast of the carrier.  Sailor jump he orders.

The sailor yells down - DROP DEAD!

The Admiral turns to the other brass and says...

Now that takes guts.

[Shammu]

Dreamweaver Said:

Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."  

     Yes, but mine was the Dead Sea Scrolls version. Shakespeare was a new guy who caused lots of trouble.

Its always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should
know:

Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his
body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.

[Shammu]

Feel better now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."