Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

[Shammu]

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[Shammu]

Finish the start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips, a quart of choclate chip Ice cream, and a chocolate cake .

I feel better already.

[Shammu]

A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[Shammu]

Letter to a shrink

Dear Shrink,

It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.

I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.

I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.

Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?

I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!

I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Why couldn’t they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?

I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.

There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).

Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.

There are times when you don’t get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.

Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.

Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?

Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn’t share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend’s craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!

"Trix aren’t for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I’ve seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.

No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.

I can’t wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who’s with me?

Sianara,

You Know Who

P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker points. You will know that I haven’t failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7’ by 4’ by 2’ life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.

[Shammu]

Upset is unhealthy


The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

[Shammu]

Solving a problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

[Shammu]

Fixing an ailment


In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

[nChrist]

       Dreamweaver, I wondered where you were going with the hokey pokey.  And, now, it must be shrink day.

_______________________
The Golfer

A murder has been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."  

[nChrist]

REPEAT SERVICE

A police officer pulled a young woman over for speeding and politely asked to see her license.

"Why don't you cops get your act together," she said in a huff. "Yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"  

[nChrist]

THE PISTOL RANGE

Ernie, not the brightest rookie at the police academy, was at the pistol range. He was given some instruction, a pistol, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.

The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

Ernie looked at his weapon and then at the target again. He looked at the pistol again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, where upon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"  (Old Groaner)  

[nChrist]

COPS AND KIDS

It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station.

As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"  

[nChrist]

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

Get it???  

[Shammu]

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

[Shammu]

What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?
A double blind study!!!!

I know arggggggggg!!
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Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

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Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.