Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50.......

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list

Notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember .... or maybe you already did ?!

[nChrist]

Really Bad Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm just driving this way to make you angry.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

[nChrist]

Nostalgia Isn't What It Use To Be

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

It was so different before everything changed.

Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you are in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).

When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

If you are living on the edge, make sure you are wearing your seat-belt.

There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

[nChrist]

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew:

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Get rid of your cat.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – Not both.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
You have enough clothes.

[nChrist]

How Woman Understand Men...

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.

They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you & the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he's serious.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie 'The Way We Were' twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

[nChrist]

Life's Little Phrases:

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Rehab Is for Quitters.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.

ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

[nChrist]

What Is? or Why?

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness in the New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan attorney

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
____________________________

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

    1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
    2. Advising the president.
    3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
    --David Letterman       
____________________________   

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the university will allow me to award."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts"

[nChrist]

Genuine Groaners

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
______________________________

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the money.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across the street thought the Competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[nChrist]

Even More One Liners:

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't care.

Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!

And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

[nChrist]

Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn By Dave Berry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

[nChrist]

WRONG CARRIER

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. So they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 enemy planes.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied,

"You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

[Soldier4Christ]

"You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

 

Oops, no more enemy planes shot down by him.   

[airIam2worship]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50.......

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list

Notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember .... or maybe you already did ?!

Just wanted to add a couple of my own (from experience)

* You can take your time walking across a parking lot without worrying if the driver will beep the horn trying to make you walk faster.

* The cashier at the checkout waits patiently while you look around in your wallet for your money.

* You probably have all the wrinkles that your face can hold and so you won't look much older at age 70 

[Soldier4Christ]

 Children of Israel       PDF        Print        E-mail


At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea. Right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin' somethin' important. Right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So, what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What were all the grown-ups doin'"?

[Tolorah]

Heres 2 i found today... hope you like

A 7-year old boy proudly tells his father: "I finally know what the Bible means!" Surprised the father replied: "What do you mean, you "know" what the Bible means? What does it mean?" "That's easy, dad.......It stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."

Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students 10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold. 9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font . 8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling. 7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. 6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to "abuse@romans.gov" <mailto:abuse@romans.gov> 5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. 3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes. 2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen. 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.