Laughter - Good Medicine

[Soldier4Christ]

this will come in handy

You'll need more than that. Try this:

[Rookieupgrade1]

ROFL

[airIam2worship]

just 6 more and you'll be at 250 Rook.

[Rookieupgrade1]

just 6 more and you'll be at 250 Rook.

 I think that is over 50 for today........

+2

[Soldier4Christ]

just 6 more and you'll be at 250 Rook.

Nope just 4 more.   

[Soldier4Christ]

I think that is over 50 for today........

+2

That's a start.

[Soldier4Christ]

A rednecked farm boy went to the hospital with severe chest pains. After a lengthy time and a lot of tests the Dr came in and tld him he had acute angina. The farm boy got up and walked out indignantly saying, "I didn't come in her so some Dr could get fresh with me".

[Rookieupgrade1]

A rednecked farm boy went to the hospital with severe chest pains. After a lengthy time and a lot of tests the Dr came in and tld him he had acute angina. The farm boy got up and walked out indignantly saying, "I didn't come in her so some Dr could get fresh with me".

 


LOL

[airIam2worship]

A rednecked farm boy went to the hospital with severe chest pains. After a lengthy time and a lot of tests the Dr came in and tld him he had acute angina. The farm boy got up and walked out indignantly saying, "I didn't come in her so some Dr could get fresh with me".

 

[airIam2worship]

Without Fear

During the civil wars in feudal Japan, an invading army would quickly sweep into a town and take control. In one particular village, everyone fled just before the army arrived - everyone except the Zen master. Curious about this old fellow, the general went to the temple to see for himself what kind of man this master was. When he wasn't treated with the deference and submissiveness to which he was accustomed, the general burst into anger. "You fool," he shouted as he reached for his sword, "don't you realize you are standing before a man who could run you through without blinking an eye!" But despite the threat, the master seemed unmoved. "And do you realize," the master replied calmly, "that you are standing before a man who can be run through without blinking an eye?"

[nChrist]

Since the "Deranged Elmer Fudd" now has a nuclear weapon, we might all need a few laughs.   
_________________________________

Wise Ones

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday (**This one's brilliant)!!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

[nChrist]

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone   $ 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

" A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. . . . . . I did.

[nChrist]

Groaning Silly Nonsense

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

From Bad to Terrible: Groaners!

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

A termite walks into a barroom and asks,
"Is the bar tender here?"

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of Room

What does mozart do now that he is dead?
He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work!

[nChrist]

Quote Me As Saying I Was Mis-Quoted

From the Great One: Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

[nChrist]

Punny?!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.