Laughter - Good Medicine

[airIam2worship]

What is a Cat?


1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8 ) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

Better watch it Brother words have a way at coming back at ya just when you least expect it 

[Shammu]

(Small Print - that last line)  Danger Will Robinson! - Danger!

 

Where??

[nChrist]

Where??

There's thousands of them that have just watched this training video, and they're out in patrols of 15-20 right now - LOOKING FOR YOU!  OH MY!

   Danger Will Robinson! - Danger!

[Shammu]

There's thousands of them that have just watched this training video, and they're out in patrols of 15-20 right now - LOOKING FOR YOU!  OH MY!

   Danger Will Robinson! - Danger!

Me no see danger.................

[nChrist]

Me no see danger.................

   OTAY!

Danger Will Robinson! - Danger!

[airIam2worship]

Cats tiny women in fur???


Danger, Danger.

[nChrist]

Cats tiny women in fur???


Danger, Danger.

   LOL

[Shammu]

Changing a lightbulb the Christian way.

(Theological inaccuracies aside)

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatic: Only 1

Hands are already in the air.


Pentecostal: 10

One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


Presbyterians: None

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.


Roman Catholic: None

Candles only.


Baptists: At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.


Episcopalians: 3

One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.


Morons: 5

One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


Unitarians:

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


Methodists: Undetermined

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.


Nazarene: 6

One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.


Lutherans: None

Lutherans don't believe in change.


Amish:

What's a light bulb?

[nChrist]

    


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was
trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir.  With my life."

Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[nChrist]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

          Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and are considering banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

           We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.  Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.  All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,   Wal-Mart Complaint Department

      MEMO

Re:  Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things
Mr. Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping:


1.  July 2 - Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2.  July 7 - Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

3.  July 19 - Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in
housewares"..... and watched what happened.

4.  August 4 - Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

5.  September 14 - Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6.  September 15 - Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.

7.  September 23 - When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8.  October 4 - Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose!

9.  November 10 - While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10.  December 3 - Darted suspiciously around the store, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12.  December 18 - Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

13.  December 21 - When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO, NO, It's those voices again!!!!"

      (And; last, but not least!)

14.  December 23 - Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while, then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[airIam2worship]

Changing a lightbulb the Christian way.

(Theological inaccuracies aside)

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatic: Only 1

Hands are already in the air.


Pentecostal: 10

One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


Presbyterians: None

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.


Roman Catholic: None

Candles only.


Baptists: At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.


Episcopalians: 3

One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.


Morons: 5

One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


Unitarians:

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


Methodists: Undetermined

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.


Nazarene: 6

One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.


Lutherans: None

Lutherans don't believe in change.


Amish:

What's a light bulb?

Rofl 

Amish: 2 sticks to rub together,  anyone caught with a flashligh, batteries, matches, candles or any other man made items, will be put into exile and never allowed to re-enter the community.

[Shammu]

A joke I found on another forum.

Biker and the squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"

The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.

As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome Harley, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Harley is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Harley screamed, I screamed.... well.. I just plain screamed.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of my big Harley.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.

The RPMs on the Harley maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.


Finally I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome Harley, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams.

 They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.

Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.

The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids

[Shammu]

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

====================================================

You might be a redneck if...

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

[airIam2worship]

Deer Crossing

live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

                       *************************************

Ask a Silly Question...

was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? "

I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

                             **********************************

The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... it was either that or throw themselves out the first floor window...

[airIam2worship]

hese are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country.

Grand Canyon National Park
- Was this man-made?
- Do you light it up at night?
- Is the mule train air conditioned?
- So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park
- Are the alligators real?
- Are the baby alligators for sale?
- Where are all the rides?
- What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)
- What time do you feed the bears?
- Can you show me where the yeti lives?
- How often do you mow the tundra?
- How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park
- Did people build this, or did Indians?
- Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
- Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
- Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park
- How much of the cave is underground?
- So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
- Does it ever rain in here?
- How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
- So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park
- Where are the cages for the animals?
- What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Yellowstone National Park
- Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
- How do you turn it on?
- When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
- We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?