Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

     Thanks Brother Roger - I needed those laughs. I hate to repay you with groaners, but maybe someone will send me some good ones in email soon.
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Wind Currents:

Two men are lounging in a posh restaurant at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The waiter just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping some nearby tables.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the restaurant, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the restaurant.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges this man to try it.

2nd Man: "Well I guess I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the waiter turns to the first man and says, “"You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk!"

(Groan factor ? )

[nChrist]

Playing Through:

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around & saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

(Maybe 2 )

[nChrist]

An Enchanted Evening:

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

She was very attractive and he was delighted that she would even ask him. He agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. Would you like to join me?" I have plenty for both of us.

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to see me again?

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

(Maybe 1 )

[Shammu]

Godless, Devilworshipping evil computers.

Do you think that computers are evil, if so this is for you, I got this in an e-mail.
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The following is a true story.

Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering hole" to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few minutes.

So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls, I was approached by two, uh, um... well, let's call them "natives." These guys might just be the original Texas rednecks--complete with ten-gallon hats, snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey.

"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind of we ask you a question?"

Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded.

"Are you a Satanist?"

Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.

"Uh, no, I can't say that I am."

"Gee ma'am. Are you sure about that?" they asked.

I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is watching Geraldo."

"Hmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the lord of darkness on your chest there."

I was this close to slapping one of them and causing a scene--then I stopped and noticed the T-shirt I happened to be wearing that day. Sure enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish looking creature that has for quite some time now been associated with a certain operating system. In this particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.

They continued: "See, ma'am, we don't exactly appreciate it when people show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so friendly."

These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.

Me: "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's sort of a mascot."

Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?"

Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating-- uh, a kind of computer."

I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word "unix" I would only make things worse.

Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?"

Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really."

Somewhere along the line here, the waitress has noticed my predicament--but these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen.

Native: "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd leave the premises now."

Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food before I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by talking to each other.

Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?"

Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know about 'em."

They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: "You're really blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this `kind of computers.' Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually very useful."

Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.

Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?"

Me: "Yes."

Another BIG boo-boo.

Native: "And does the government pay for 'em? With our tax dollars?"

I decided that it was time to jump ship.

Me: "No. Nope. Not at all. You're tax dollars never entered the picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian congressmen would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never. Bye."

Texas. What a country.

[Shammu]

"Expectations"
Seems the wife had her eye on one of these new zippy foreign sport cars for the longest time. The old car had lost its shine, had a few dings, and just seemed smaller now to the point that getting in and out of the cramped little thing was a hassel. Over the months there had been several discussions with hubby about getting a new car, but so far nothing had come of them.

Fed up with driving the old car and with their wedding anniversary coming up, wifey brought up the car thing again. They wound up getting into a big argument and wifey, getting angry, finally gives hubby an ultimatum.... "TOMORROW THERE BETTER BE SOMETHING SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY THAT GOES O TO 60 IN 1.5 SECONDS"!!!

Hubby leaves the house. Stays gone a long time too. When he comes back in later, wifey had already gone to bed so he quietly slips into bed also. The next morning wifey awakes with great anticipation, jumps out of the bed, runs to window and looks out. There it was. Shiney chrome all over and wrapped with a big red bow. Goes from 0 to 60 in 1.5 seconds too.

Wifey was the proud owner of a brand new set of BATHROOM SCALES!

POST SCRIPT: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME AS IT CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH!!  
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If God didn't intend for us to enjoy humor, He wouldn't have given us the ability to laugh! Besides, He must have a sense of humor, how else to explain the duckbilled platypus?
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What happens to your desk when you go on an extended holiday.....And your work mates have too much free time on thier hands.....  

[Soldier4Christ]

That office space is perfect for this person:




I think they fell asleep on the job so the works mates decided to finish the job they started.

[nChrist]

        OK - I have a few.
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6 Weeks Before Christmas:

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

(Groan Factor - Very High  )

[nChrist]

French Rabbits:

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.

(Groan Factor - Broke the scale  )

[nChrist]

Great Coffee:

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...
'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

(Groan Factor - Put the audience in pain   )

[nChrist]

Antique Tents:

Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.

Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem they sing at the start of every year:

"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"

(Groan Factor - Audience carried out on stretchers    )

[nChrist]

One-Liners:

How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?

I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

To err is human; to blame it on someone else is more human.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge: other just gargle.

If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?

For every action here is an equal and opposite criticism.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Sign on a high school bulletin board:
Free: Every Monday through Friday. Knowledge. Bring your own container."

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

What did the cured ham actually have?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

I have my opinion and you're entitled to it.

An intellectual is someone who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I didn't go to work today -- I called in ugly.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

(There must be several grins here - maybe 2 )

[nChrist]

Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

I Am Unable To Remember If I Have Mailed This To You Before Or Not...But I really can't remember who you are!

(Maybe 2 1/2    ? )

[Shammu]

That office space is perfect for this person:




I think they fell asleep on the job so the works mates decided to finish the job they started.

Sure looks like it to me.

[Shammu]

(Groan Factor - Very High   )

(Groan Factor - Broke the scale )

(Groan Factor - Put the audience in pain  )

(Groan Factor - Audience carried out on stretchers    )

Now, thats funny.

[nChrist]

(Groan Factor - Very High   )

(Groan Factor - Broke the scale )

(Groan Factor - Put the audience in pain  )

(Groan Factor - Audience carried out on stretchers    )

Now, thats funny.

Hello Dreamweaver,

 Brother, I was just recording my own response. Several members in my family send me jokes by email pretty often, and my wife also saves the jokes that teachers send back and forth to each other. I know that I saved some really funny ones, but I can't find them right now. I suppose that you knew that.  

However, I promise that I will post some funny jokes soon. BUT, WHO KNOWS? - maybe several people are laughing so hard over those jokes that they can't type a response yet. RIGHT! - that's my story, and I sticking with it. There might be a law against posting jokes when nobody laughs.        If so, I'm going to plead not guilty and make them prove it.