Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Dinner is served, this Thanksgiving.

[nChrist]

     

Memory Like An Elephant:

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

(Groan Factor:  ? )

[nChrist]

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. Your depends were on sale and you find out why.

[Shammu]

Info from the Doctor

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request?"

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber - Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family?"

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"
________________________________________________

The Big Debate

Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.

The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay.'

An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishmen. "What happened?" they asked. "Well,"said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.

[Shammu]

Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

[Shammu]

Caught Speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
_____________________________________________________

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
__________________________________________________

Did she threaten to kill you?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

[nChrist]

       Thanks Dreamweaver! - I needed those laughs. I will repay you by not posting the several groaners that I have. I'll wait and get some better ones. OR, was it you who said that you love groaners?  

[Soldier4Christ]

I'm the one that said I love groaners because I love the funny looks on peoples faces when they here them. Those looks are funnier than some of the funniest of jokes.

 

[JudgeNot]

Please, forgive me in advance for the following...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.  "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[airIam2worship]

Hello Judgenot,
Okay so the man was wise, BUT he was still a man.  

[nChrist]

       Thanks for the laughs!
____________________

Real Zoo Sign ??:

Please Be Safe.

Do not stand, sit, climb or lean on zoo fences.

If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick.

Thank you.

[nChrist]

Points To Ponder For Intellectuals:

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If Fed Ex and UPS merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're still ahead?"

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

You know how most packages say "Open here" What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane with the same substance?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

NOTICE!! If you are not an intellectual, you are NOT allowed to read these jokes! If you didn't laugh hysterically while reading these jokes, cancel your Mensa Membership.

[nChrist]

For Older Intellectuals Only!

No Fun:

You know that you are getting old when you feel bad in the morning ... without having any fun the night before.

-------------------------

The Senility Prayer:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Soldier4Christ]

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Hey, I know that person.  

[airIam2worship]

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Hey, I know that person.  

PR, I'm addicted to counseling  . I have a Mighty Counselor.