Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

The gelatin mold is just plain mean.  

The last one also sounds like scientists.

[airIam2worship]

DW when we meet in heaven I promise I will never eat any of your Jello.  

[nChrist]

     Thanks Brothers and Sisters - I needed those laughs. I will try to repay your kindness with a few laughs, but I'm afraid some of them are groaners.  
________________________

Write This Down:

An older couple decides to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

That night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure," he replies. "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write that down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then, grumbling, he heads for the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"

(Groan Factor ?)

[nChrist]

They Share:

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip, as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "I'm waiting for my turn to use the teeth!"

(Worth 4 )

[nChrist]

The Best Gift:

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother
who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and
you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to
the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the
chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other
brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.
Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. "
"Thank you!"

(Groan Factor ?)

[nChrist]

The Operation:

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

(Worth 2  ?)

[nChrist]

ROMANCE NEVER DIES:

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

(Worth 2  ?)

[nChrist]

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

(Groan Factor ?)

[nChrist]

Good Clean Living:

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

(Worth  ?)

[nChrist]

Late For Church:

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! "While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, But please don't shove me either!"

(Worth 2  ?)

[nChrist]

Ten Commandments:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(Worth 2  ?)

[nChrist]

About Eve:

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

(Has to be 3 +)

[nChrist]

Pearly Gates:

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago!"

(Maybe 2  ?)

[nChrist]

The Atheist:

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist yells back, "There is no God!"

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God to provide her with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord!"

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there are the groceries she's asked for, of course she says "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God!"

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"

(OK - I think 4 - If not, hunt me down and whip me with wet noodles.)

[airIam2worship]

About Eve:

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

(Has to be 3 +)

ROFL  
That's a good one