Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

     

Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century - for the computer literate !

       - ROFL - It was great! Thanks!

[Ambassador4Christ]

THIS SHOULD BE SENT TO ALL BUSINESSES

     If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.

     My Aunt died this past January.  CitiBank billed her for February and  March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added      late fees and interest on the monthly charge...(the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00).
     I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

     Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

     CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

     Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

     CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

     Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

     CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report      her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

     Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

     CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

     Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

     CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)

     Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

     CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

     Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

     CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

     Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

     CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

     Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. )

     CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

     Me: "Oh..."

     CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

     Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep      billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

     CitiBank: '"Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

     Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

     CitiBank: "That might help."

     Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

     CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

     Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

 

[nChrist]

UM??:

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends
with him.
 
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating
the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
 
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks
for the peanuts."
 
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off 'em."

 

[nChrist]

Ways to Know you are in the wrong Church...

-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.

- They have ATM machines in the lobby.

- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.

- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

- They have karaoke worship time.

- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.

- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.

- The church bus has gun racks.

- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.

- The choir wears leather robes.

- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"

[Ambassador4Christ]

Good one Brother BEP

Back in my BC days Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, was one of my favorite songs

[nChrist]

Good one Brother BEP

Back in my BC days Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, was one of my favorite songs

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Brother, would you happen to belong to that over 50 crowd?   I remember a bunch of those old songs. I liked the Beach Boys, The Beatles, and The Carpenters. I also liked some of the big bands (i.e. Benny Goodman). However, all of that stuff was too wild for dad. Lawrence Welk was as wild as it got.  

In Christ,
Tom

[nChrist]

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

[nChrist]

Children:

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

[nChrist]

Having a bad day - True?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

[nChrist]

Osama:

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...

What did you think I said?

[nChrist]

Occupation:

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"

The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a Bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

" OK, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the Bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts...
"OH MY! - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"

[nChrist]

Money:

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

[nChrist]

Wizard of OZ:

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"

[Brother Love]

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a
$20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up. He then asked," Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
 
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic.

Brother Love

[nChrist]

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic.

Brother Love

AMEN! Brother. If we counted our blessings, we wouldn't have time to think about our problems.

In Christ,
Tom