Laughter - Good Medicine

[Forrest]

Subject: Fw: 25 signs you're getting old


 



 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.

[Forrest]

Subject: What is a billion?



The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion"
casually,  think about whether you want that politician spending your tax
money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one
of its releases:

 -A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
 -A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
 -A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the
     Stone Age.
 -A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at
     the rate Washington spends it.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

   - Signs you are getting old.

There are things all should do as they get older.

Keep your glasses close to the bed and always put them on before getting up. Advanced cases may need to count to 100 first and determine where they are first.

Always remember that your wife may not have been the one who moved the item you are searching for.

Always store your Preparation H and Ben-gay in separate locations. For advanced cases, store them in different rooms. For really advanced cases, make sure that neither of them are stored close to your toothbrush.

 

[Ambassador4Christ]

Thanks Forrest & BEP

You made my day

[Forrest]

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and
> I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
> Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
> Really, Like a new-born baby?"
>Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

     Brother, you are on a roll.  

In Christ,
Tom

[nChrist]

Tough Love From Cousin:

[nChrist]

Here it is - Lawyer jokes just for you:

747 Full of Lawyers:

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

-----

Buried Lawyers:

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

-----

Burried 10 Feet Under:

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

-----

[Ambassador4Christ]

Lawyer jokes LOL  

[nChrist]

Famous Dog Quotes:

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Fran Lebowitz

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
Unknown

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck

[nChrist]

World's Easiest Quiz:

(Answers at the bottom. . . Hey - NO Cheating)

Write your answers down before looking at the answers. If you get more than 2 wrong, remedial education is available.

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?






ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. Squirrel fur.

6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8. Distinctively crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

GOTCHA!

[nChrist]

Product Label Instructions For Idiots:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

[Brother Love]

Product Label Instructions For Idiots:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Good One Bro

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

Psych Test:

This is an authentic psychological test.
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her mother, she met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing, her dream guy, and she fell in love with him but never asked for his number and couldn't find him after the funeral. A few days later the girl killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? Give this some thought before you scroll down.























Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the sister's funeral.If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took this test and answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. And, I'd trust you with a gun.

[nChrist]

Photogenic?

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."