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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #60 on: April 25, 2003, 01:52:20 PM » |
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People are just about as happy as theyre willing to be.  (Lincoln) |
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« Last Edit: April 25, 2003, 07:13:45 PM by Ambassador4Christ »
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IrishAngel
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« Reply #62 on: April 25, 2003, 04:58:12 PM » |
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n definately cracked right down the middle 
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Symphony
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« Reply #63 on: April 25, 2003, 06:43:48 PM » |
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Why God never received tenure at any university 1. He had only one Major publication 2. It was in Hebrew 3. It had no references 4. It Wasn't published in a referee journal 5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then. 7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited 8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board to use human subjects 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted he deleted them from the sample 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his test 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. Top 17 childrens books not recommended by the National LIbrary Association. Bob the Germ's Wonderous journey into and Back out of you Digestive System. The Little Engine that became intoxicated and killed civilians Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge Clifford the Bog Red Dog Accidently Eats His Masters and is put to Sleep Valuable Protein and other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides Charles Manson Bedtime Stories Daddy loses his job and Finds the Bottle Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear David Duke's World of Imagination Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Teddy: The Elf With the Detached Retina The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have But You Never Will Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead. That's tops, Sammy. Thanks!! |
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IrishAngel
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« Reply #64 on: April 25, 2003, 07:14:39 PM » |
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One for laurel n hardy...
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."
I couldnt resist! 
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #66 on: April 25, 2003, 07:16:03 PM » |
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Why did the clone go into the clothing store? To get more genes. |
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IrishAngel
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« Reply #67 on: April 25, 2003, 07:29:44 PM » |
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A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.
"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.
"We put our TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."
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TigerLily
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« Reply #68 on: April 25, 2003, 07:42:54 PM » |
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What are a typical redneck's three last words? "Hey, watch this! " You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something from your fridge! Y'might be a redneck if ya can french kiss yer girlfriend without partin' yer teeth! You might be a redneck if when you walk the dog you both use the same bush. You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 90 MPH. |
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Remember that tho the storms of life may rage & stir things up, cause chaos and at times many hurts, etc...In the end, It can unearth the most beautiful of treasure! Keep Holding on to Jesus thru the storm & He will indeed show you the beauty of life after its all settled & peaceful, Its His Plan!
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TigerLily
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« Reply #69 on: April 25, 2003, 07:47:03 PM » |
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Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
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Remember that tho the storms of life may rage & stir things up, cause chaos and at times many hurts, etc...In the end, It can unearth the most beautiful of treasure! Keep Holding on to Jesus thru the storm & He will indeed show you the beauty of life after its all settled & peaceful, Its His Plan!
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IrishAngel
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« Reply #70 on: April 25, 2003, 07:55:46 PM » |
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This rich person was very faithful about going to church.
His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."
St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."
Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."
The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"
St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #72 on: April 25, 2003, 08:13:55 PM » |
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One for laurel n hardy...
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."
I couldnt resist! oh my |
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #73 on: April 25, 2003, 08:15:52 PM » |
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What are a typical redneck's three last words? "Hey, watch this! " You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something from your fridge! Y'might be a redneck if ya can french kiss yer girlfriend without partin' yer teeth! You might be a redneck if when you walk the dog you both use the same bush. You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 90 MPH. I am a Redneck |
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #74 on: April 25, 2003, 08:18:47 PM » |
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Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
tigerlily you get **** LOL |
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