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Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the
rancher was going to bring yet another bull
onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a
discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here
5 years. Once we settled our differences,
we agreed on which 100 of the cows would
be mine. Now, I don't know where this new-
comer is going to get HIS cows but I aint'
givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me,
too. I've been here 3 years and have earned
my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.

I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M
KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so
far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to
"take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows
(yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST
keep all MY cows."


They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-
wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only
ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull
these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step
he took toward the ground  strained the steel ramp to
the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some
time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I
think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if
I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM.
I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and
find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick.
Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just
making sure he knows I'M A BULL!"

OCH!  :-X

DOE :-X ;)

Recently while going through an airport, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses, but the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"  ;D

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life."

Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago."  ;D

A scientist was arguing with God one day that he too could create life.

God replied; I am the Lord God creator of all things. He alone could create life and would demonstrate it for the scientist.

God took a handful of dirt and breathed on it; creating life as He had done in the beginning.

The scientist said he too could create life and began to pick up a handful of dirt.

Just then God said; NO! - get your own dirt!.

LAWYER

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"  ;D ;D

A Nun's Kiss

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."  ;D

Tap on the Shoulder



A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the

shoulder to ask him something.


The driver screamed and lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped inches from a
large plate glass window.



For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the driver quietly said, "Please don't ever do that again! You
scared the daylights out of me."



The passenger, who was also frightened,
apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder

could frighten him so much. To which the driver replied,

"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault.Today is my first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.  ;D ;D

Bill Gates dies and finds himself standing at the peraly gates of heaven. St.Peter is not quite sure what to do she he gets an idea. He tells Bill that he can choose where to spend eternity; in heaven or hell.

Bill Gates foolishly asks which is better and Peter tells him he must decide. So Bill asks which he should try first, heaven or hell, to which peter tells him that too he must decide.

Bill tries hell first. Swiiishhhh he is wisked away to hell. Bill finds himself on a warm dry beach surronded by beautiful half naked women and servants catering to his every desire. Blue sky and no rain, with billowing clouds dotting the sky. The animals are all friendly. Bill tells Peter he wishes to see heaven. Wishhh!!! away he goes.

Bill is in heaven and amazed! It is unlike anything he has ever imagined. After much consideration Bill tells Peter he wishes to spend eternity in hell, so away he goes to the abyss. Weeks pass by.

Peter checks in on Bill one day to find him being tormented and tortured by evil demons who are plucking his eyes and burning him with fire and sulphur, Bill is in obvious agony and pain. He cries to Peter, "Peter where is the version of hell you showed me just a few weeks ago?"




Peter replies -- "That was just a demo"  ;D

The gates of heaven are very busy one day in particular with all the people dying from wars and famine and what not, Peter is overwhelmed and has little mercy.

A man, one of many in an unending line approaches the gates and states his name. Peter opens the book-of-life but can not find the mans name. Peter orders him to hell. The man pleads with Peter, "Please, please don't send me there" Peter is very hurried and busy and states that the man's name is not in the book of life. Again the man cries, don't send me there. Peter, having compasion asks the man if he ever did anything that let him escape hell.

The man said to Peter. YES! once ther was this little old lady leaving a grocery store and a motorcycle gang approached her. They knocked her groceries, stole her money and wanted to beat and rape her, but I stepped in to help her.


Peter remarks "That is wonderful son, tell me, when did you do this? I can't see your name in the book of life.


The man looked at his watch and said, "OH about a half-hour ago.  ;D ;D

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............

AND he left it there all night.  ;D

As income tax time approaches,
did you ever notice:
When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?  ;D

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
instead of the bridge, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"  ;D

I think you need to rename this thread...I'm in tears over here!!!  ;D  ;D  ;D

 ;D

A minister decided to relax one weekday by playing a few holes of golf. When he was about to tee off, another golfer approached and offered to make it a twosome. The minister agreed.

"How about we make it interesting?" the newcomer asked..."say, $5.00 a hole?"

"Why not?" the minister said, a little guiltily.
The other fellow won easily, and the minister paid up. While dressing in the locker room, the winner looked on, aghast, as the minister donned his collar.

"Sir, I'm sorry! I would never have challenged you to bet if I'd known you were clergy! I'm the club pro here, I haven't lost a round in years!"
"Never mind, Son," sighed the preacher..."I shouldn't have made a wager, it's sinful...and to show you there are no hard feelings, the next time you're downtown, bring your parents by my church and I'll marry them, free of charge!"  ;D

Don't argue with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Without missing a beat the child said, "Then you ask him".  ;D

The church picnic was always such a hit and one reason was Mrs. D's Baked Beans. So as per usual the person in charge asked Mrs. D to do them again. Mrs. D. agree'd and baked them up that week.

The Beans were finished so Mrs. D put them on top of the stove to cool. Without Mrs. D knowing Billy got up over the stove to get a cookie and while up there his BB's fell into the Baked Beans. He didn't know what to do because the beans were hot so he just left them there.

The church picnic was a fabulous hit and everyone raved about those beans. Many of the ladies asked for her famous recipe and got it to cook these for their families.

About a week went bye and one of the ladies caught Mrs. D in the market. " Oh, Mrs. D, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your baked beans at the church picnic. They were the most wonderful beans I have ever had." She went on, " The only thing I can't understand and it has me very sad is that I bent down to feed my kitty and shot my Canary."  ;D

Fantastic Brown hated his name. Ever since a little boy, he cringed at the sound of it. His parents loved the little boy dearly, and had given him a name to reflect their love for him.

Many years later, Fantastic at last on his death bed, his loving wife asked him any last request. "Don't put 'Fantastic' on my tombstone!", bellowed Fantastic, "Just put 'Brown'." "Okay, dear", said the adoring wife.

Well, the funeral came and went, and there over Fantastic's grave, engraved on the tombstone was, "My dear husband, Brown, who never looked at another woman."

And ever since that day, when people walk by and read that tombstone, they point and say, "That's Fantastic!"  ;D ;D

A Sea Captain of many years, pridefully steared his vessel across the large body of water. It started to get a little foggy and as he concentrated on his point of direction he suddenly noticed a bright light heading straight for his ship. He signaled to tell them to turn 10 degrees West. They quickly flashed back, "You must turn 10 degrees East."

The Captain bristled as he returned the message, "No. I am a Captain. You must turn 10 degrees West or we will hit head on!" Within seconds, the light ahead flashed a message, "No, sir. You will have to steer 10 degrees East."

Now, the veteran Sea Captain was infuriated and flashed a furious message that read, "You must turn now as we are about to crash head on AND I AN A 44,000 FREIGHTER!!!

The light replied, "I am a lighthouse."  ;D

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and finally asked a pilot how much a ride cost.

"Ten dollars for three minutes," the pilot said. "But I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife can ride without making a sound, it will cost you nothing, but if you say one word, you have to pay ten dollars."

"Agreed," said the farmer.

They went for the ride and after the pilot landed, he said, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a very brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I almost yelled when my wife fell out."  ;D ;D ;D

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan .  ;D

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance.
 ;D ;D

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."  ;D ;D ;D

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."  ;D ;D ;D

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."  ;D ;D

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope."

"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man,unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group. "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."  ;D ;D ;D

 more BULL  ::)

OK  ;D

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes SL convertible. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 80 mph, and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rearview mirror, and there was a State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem " thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State
Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day.  ;D ;D

A Christian Puppy

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"  ;D ;D

LOL!

methinks if God can use a donkey, He can surely use a lil ole dog to get ye unbelievin  lot to HEEL   :D

OUT TO DINNER MATHMATICS



This is pretty neat how it works out.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST

It takes less than a minute.......

Work this out as you read.

Don't cheat and read the bottom until you've worked through it!

This is fun!



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)



3. Add 5. (for Sunday)



4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator................



5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753.... If you haven't, add 1752..........



6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.



You should have a three digit number ..




The first digit of this was your original number

(I.e., how many times you want to have eat out each week.)



The next two numbers are...





YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)  


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?  ;D

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest Stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and End the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions!"


 ;D ;D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D

DITTO  ;D ;D ;D

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede on their position. As they passed a
barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied,
"in-laws." ;D ;D ;D

(http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/otn/realhappy/xxrotflmao.gif)

(http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/ups/icis/ices_rofl.gif) ;D ;D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."  ;D ;D

soon be a whole barnyard fulla BULLS in here  ::)

 ;D ;D ;D

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when
his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox..
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back
in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again
went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn,
here she came out again, marched
to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions
the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying,
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL."  ;D ;D ;D

A young lady came home from a date and her mother could see she had been crying. "What's wrong dear?" asked the mother.

"Oh Mom!" said the girl "My boyfriend asked me to marry him tonight!"

"What's the matter dear, don't you love him?" asked the mother.

"I do love him" said the girl... "But tonight he told me that he's an atheist! He doesn't even believe there is a hell mom!!!"

The mother just smiled and said "You marry him anyway ... between the two of us we'll show him just how wrong he is!"
 ;D ;D ;D

Purrrrrfect, Ambassador!!  hehe.(http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/avatars/zanimals/zanimals31.gif)

That's a good one.


Here's another:


Guy, to friend:  "Wanna go bowlin' tonight?"
           friend:  "Nope.  I gotta 'tend a lecture this evenin'."
             guy:   "Oh yeah?  You taken' a night course?"
           friend:   "Naaah.  I'm having dinner with my mother-in-                             law."


(hehe)

BULLS come home to pasture fer sure  ::)



*guffaws*

ROFL,, hey A4C and blue these are great,, heres a couple i got in my email.. hope ya enjoy!!

. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
"Mabel,
 did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
 answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at
 it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know
where my hearing aid is :-\ ;D


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
casket.
 They
hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once
again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are
again
carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,
the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!
 
 
 

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until
it reached the last number and then the numbers began
to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The
father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son ...
Go get your mother."

LOL Symphony Thanks Bro
  ;D ;D ;D

LOL I liked them both Sis, thanks  ;D ;D ;D

LOVE IT - ROFLOL  ;D ;D ;D ;D

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute... " Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.  ;D ;D

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.

Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
 ;D

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
 ;D ;D

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

(http://academic.evergreen.edu/b/bisper21/StanOlly.gif)

Irish Angel, Symphony, is the one on the left, I am the guy on the right  ;D ;D ;D  

 ;D

Why God never received tenure at any university

1.  He had only one Major publication

2.  It was in Hebrew

3.  It had no references

4.  It Wasn't published in a referee journal

5.  Some even doubt he wrote it himself

6.  It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then.

7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited

8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results

9.  He never applied to the Ethics Board to use human subjects

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted he deleted them from the sample

12.  He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13.  Some say he had his son teach the class

14.  He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his test

16.  His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.




Top 17 childrens books not recommended by the National LIbrary Association.

Bob the Germ's Wonderous journey into and Back out of you Digestive System.

The Little Engine that became intoxicated and killed civilians

Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge

Clifford the Bog Red Dog Accidently Eats His Masters and is put to Sleep

Valuable Protein and other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose

A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides

Charles Manson Bedtime Stories

Daddy loses his job and Finds the Bottle

Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano

Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

David Duke's World of Imagination

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

Teddy: The Elf With the Detached Retina

The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

Things Rich Kids Have But You Never Will

Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On.

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

People are just about as happy as theyre willing to be. ;D
(Lincoln)

Think about what you want people to say about you after you die and live backward. ;D ;D

n definately cracked right down the middle  :P

That's tops, Sammy.  Thanks!!

One for laurel n hardy...

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."


I couldnt resist!  :D

DITTO  ;D

Why did the clone go into the clothing store?

To get more genes.  ;D ;D

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

  :D

What are a typical redneck's three last words?
"Hey, watch this! " ;D
You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something from your fridge! ;D
Y'might be a redneck if ya can french kiss yer girlfriend without partin' yer teeth! ;D
You might be a redneck if when you walk the dog you both use the same bush. ;D
You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 90 MPH. ;D

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

This rich person was very faithful about going to church.

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."

LOL How True  ;D ;D

oh my  ;D

I am a Redneck  ;D ;D

tigerlily you get **** LOL ;D

LOL  ;D ;D ;D

NOTE: This is one of my FAVORITES  ;D

Born a Baptist

A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic
neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics were
driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating
fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks.
The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to
convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much
pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded.
They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled
Holy Water on the man while saying, "Born a Baptist,
Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!"
The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived
for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
once again drifted through the neighborhood.
The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist's house
to remind him of his new diet.
They found him standing over the cooking steaks,
sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a
cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping, carrying everything in a cardboard box.

His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in acardboard box, son?"
To which his son replies,

"Because there's no Baghdad!"

Good one Forrest, LOL  ;D

Nuns & Baseball


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."  ;D ;D

PREGNANT BLONDE

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her,"That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive."

LOL!

I`ve got a different version of that last line...

wanna hear it?

sure ya do...

"Born a boy, Raised a boy, now a Big Baby!"

author: twouble  :D

I`ve got a different version of that last line...

wanna hear it?

sure ya do...

"Born a boy, Raised a boy, now a Big Baby!"

author: twoubl

 ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

That's a funny one, A4C.

Good one, Forrest--no Baghdad!  hehe.

Say, Irish, you should tell the one about the Bible salesman.  I think that's the funniest joke I ever heard.  I printed it out when you had it here the first time, but thot maybe you might know where you could just cut and paste.  It's kinda long.


Okay:

Run over a canary with your lawn mower, what'll you have??

(Shredded tweet.......(hehe))



Couple goes in to restaurant, sits down, views menu.  Wife says, Oh look, honey, your favorite, turtle soup!

Hmmmm, I DO like turtle soup, says the hubby.  I'lll order it!  Waiter!?  Waiter!?  I'll take the turtle soup.  

Okay, sir.  Bring it right up.

Just then the wife says, Oh honey, look, they have PEA soup too.  You know that's REALLY your favorite!

Hmmmm, says hubby, that's true.  But I've already ordered.  Maybe I can change it.  Waiter!?  Waiter!?  

Yes, sir, what is it?

Um, sorry, but would it be too late to change my order?  

 Oh, no sir, not at all.  What would you like?  

Well, I'd really like the pea soup, please.

Oh certainly, sir, said the waiter, turning to the kitchen window,  and yells, "Hold the turtle!  Make it pea !


(hehe)

k...here`s a shorter version...

The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

not always
 
Little Logan and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating
at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook.

On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other
forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll
take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back
and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for
>sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed
>to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though
>not young, they were both in very good health, largely due
>to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the
>last three decades.
>
>
>One day, their good health didn't help when they went on
>a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to
>Heaven.
>
>They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them
>inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in
>gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall
>in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite
>clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet. They gasped in astonish-
>ment when he said, "Welcom e to Heaven. This will be your home now."
>
>The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
>cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is
>your reward in Heaven."
>
>The old man looked out the window and saw a championship
>golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
>"What are the green fees?", grumbled the old man. "This
>is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day--
>any starting time you wish."
>
>Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
>with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood
>to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain
>of champagne.
>"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple.
>"This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
>
>The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
>"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and
>the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
>"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink
>as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get
>fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
>
>The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
>"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
>"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
>"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
>
>The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your
>fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

AS SEEN ON T-SHIRTS

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
     was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

27) Procrastinate Now

28) Rehab Is for Quitters

29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since
      15

33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names

34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the
      memory.

47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for
      a pig.

50) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.

51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

52) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith &Wesson

I Come Quickly  

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten
very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the
first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely
nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the
platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his
presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of
his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered
that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like
this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing
he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He
thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still
nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words
with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the
pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into
the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and
embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started
to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It
was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way
down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

Thanks, Irish, for the Bible salesman joke.  And the others.

Forrest, you are one busy bee!!   Some good ones for bumper stickers there.

Bro you get  ;D ;D ;D

I remember that one, it is  a keeper. Thanks Angel  ;D

I LOVE it, thanks Forrest  ;D

Thats a real good one, you get  ;D ;D ;D ;D

Another  ;D ;D ;D ;D Thanks again Forrest ;D

 ;D ;D ;D ;D Another GRRRRRRREAT one  ;D

Thanks Angel  ;D ;D ;D

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
       
      "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"  ;D

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS  ;D

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS  STATISTICS  ;D

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS  ;D

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY  ;D

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE  ;D

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE  ;D

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED  ;D

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

THE LOVING HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages
the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1500.00. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: " I also stopped at the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked."

MAN:"How much?"

WOMAN "$65,000.00."

MAN:: "For that price I want all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing...the house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking
$850,000..00."

MAN:: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just
offer $840,000.00."

WOMAN "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN:: "Bye, I love you too!"

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at
him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone
belongs to?"  ;D ;D ;D

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

The Secret
 
One day, one friend asked another,
"How is it that you are always so happy?
You have so much energy,
and you never seem to get down."
 
 
 
With her eyes smiling, she said,
"I know the Secret!"
"What secret is that?"
To which she replied,
"I'll tell you all about it,
but you have to promise to
share the Secret with others."
 
 
"The Secret is this:
I have learned there is little I can do
in my life that will make me truly happy.
I must depend on God to make
me happy and to meet my needs.
When a need arises in my life,
I have to trust God to supply
according to HIS riches.
I have learned most of the time
I don't need half of what I think I do..
He has never let me down.
Since I learned that 'Secret', I am happy."
 
 
 
The questioner's first thought was,
"That's too simple!"
But upon reflecting over her own life
she recalled how she thought a bigger house
would make her happy, but it didn't!
She thought a better paying job
would make her happy, but it hadn't.
When did she realize her greatest happiness?
Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren,
playing games, eating pizza or reading a story,
a simple gift from God.
 
 
 
Now you know it too!
We can't depend on people to make us happy.
Only GOD in His infinite wisdom can do that.
Trust HIM!
And now I pass the Secret on to you!
So once you get it, what will you do?
 
 
 
YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!
That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!
But it's not really a secret...
We just have to believe it and do it....
Really trust God!
 

YES!!!! LOL ;D ;D ;D

Bro, thats no bull, thanks for posting it.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)  ;D

ROFL.. thats a good one A4C... I'll have to show my dad that one.. hes a preacher hehe.. ;)

TL

tigerlily, I am sure your dad will like it  ;D
P.S. 23 days and counting  ;D

almost 1000 views for BULL
not sure what this says about the lot of us  ::)

        Blue Star;
      Why did you change your Name from IrishAngle?

It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the new kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject.

Later in the school yard, the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "No, my dad raises money for the Democratic Party, but I was just too embarrassed to say it."

 ;D ;D ;D

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on
a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would
like to play a fun game, but the blonde is tired and
just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines.
She rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and
a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end
to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a $5, and hands it to the lawyer. "OK," says
the lawyer, "Your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer,
puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references, but no answer. He taps into the
air phone with his modem and searches the net and the
library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends and coworker, but to no
avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her
$500. The blonde says, "Thank you." and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a
little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep...

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Why parents have grey hair


This is a telephone conversation between a child and the boss of one of the parents...
An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for work, decides to give him a call.
He dialed the employee home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster,
 the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.The small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should
be there watching over the child.

Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked,
may I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

What's going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed hushed
voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle:
ME

ok ladies i know im going against my own sex here but this was just to funny not to post... ;) ;DBuild Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 ;D ;D ;D

TL

You Get  ;D ;D ;D ;D Sister

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple!"  ;D ;D ;D

Well, i think i may have a stroke from laughing here.. hysterical...
 ;D

1.  Birds of a feather flock together and aim for
your car.

2.There's always a lot to be thankful for if you
take time to look for it.  For example I am sitting
here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3.  When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.  It makes
the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and
gag himself.

4.  When I can't be kind, I try to have the decency
to be vague.

5.  Don't assume malice for what stupidity can
explain.

6.  A penny saved is a government oversight.

7.  The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8.  The older you get, the tougher it is to lose
weight, because by then your body and your
fat are really good friends.

9.  The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.

10.  He who hesitates is probably right.

11.  If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.

12.  If you can smile when things go wrong, you
have someone in mind to blame.

13.  The sole purpose of a child's middle name is
so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14.  Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words
"The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Posted By prophecyjax1

     Bride of Christ & the Mid-Tribulation Rapture

Hello everyone, my name is Michael Hollner, a minister in Jacksonville, Fl. I just finished my book on the Rapture of the Church and the Bride of Christ. Before I send it to publishers, I should like to sharpen my sword a bit, and answer any questions regarding the timing of the Rapture. I want to give this book the acid test, the Word of God, and to satisfy any doubts that the Rapture will occur in the middle of the 7 year tribulation period.

We believe if it was important enough for the Apotle Paul to tell the Thessalonians about the timing, so do we.

With all due respect and humility, I honestly do challenge anyone to come up wih even one verse of scripture for a pre-tribultion Rature. After 20 years of research, we have concluded a mid-tribulation Rapture to be a "more sure word of prophecy."

My book is available for FREE viewing, even before it gets published, and any lettes of recommendation will be printed in the book, with your name and Church you attend.. Just email me at kjvbiblejax@aol.com, and I'll send you a free copy to critique. If you approve of the book, and send a nice letter of recommendaton, your letter, along with your name and Church will be in the forward of the book which is yet to be added.

If anyone has any questions regarding this great topic, please ask your questions, and I will respond. Let's do it all in a good spirit and be good Christians here.

I'll start it off with Acts 3:19-21 KJV. Jesus cannot come back to earth UNTIL the end-time Restoration takes place through God's two end-time prophets of Rev 11:3-13 and Elijah must also first come.


Michael Hollner
 
LOL  ;D ;D ;D
 

pppsssstttt....(whispering) Elijah is one of the two prophets of Revelation 11.

  (whispering in the voice of Foghorn Leghorn)
"The boy's to short....all the good ones go over his head"

Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Jon won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

Amanpreet won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Amanpreet asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush, 'Preet?"
"Not so good," Amanpreet confided. "I'm going to have to go back to paper."  ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take One


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."  ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Two


To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.  ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Three


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad.

I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Four


There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.  ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Five


What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.  ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Six


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"  ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven


"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."  ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
 ;D ;D ;D

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine


An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."  ;D ;D ;D

French Taste

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its butt when a
visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isnt it ?

"No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in
the zoo.

Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is
it lying there licking its butt?'

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

 ;D ;D ;D

THINGS THAT CAN DRIVE A SANE PERSON INSANE

** The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
** There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
** You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
** The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
** The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
** There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
** You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
** There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
** You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
** Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
** You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
** You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
** Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
** A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
** You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
** The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
** A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
** You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.
** You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
** Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
** You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
** You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.  ;D    
  ;D

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ....don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!  ;D

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Man Say:

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat  grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You All.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And, Number ONE is...........................

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight  ;D

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Bruce died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead!"
 ;D ;D

I just saw this. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet -including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!

Maybe we should start up a petition or something protesting this. What do you think?

Go to the website and check it out. It's unbelievable!!! Just enter your name, City and state to see if yours is on file.

After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove"

http://www.license.shorturl.com  
   
 

HAHAHA.  Very funny, Ambassador.

Female President?

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions.  First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan;  second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.  Hillary Clinton informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?  Oh, that's right its question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up;  Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions.  First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan;  second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell go 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?" ;D ;D ;D

CAMPING WITH THE LONE RANGER






The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set
up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."


"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.


Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you,

Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."  ;D ;D ;D

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
 ;D ;D ;D

Amb, I heard the one 'bout the Lone Ranger, 'cept it was Sherlock Holmes and Watson, under the tent.  Hehe.  Good joke.

A lot of yours are good, Amb.  Thanks.  I take it you're a mechanical engineer?  Unemployed(hehe)??  Sorry, couldn't resist.

Here's a lawyer joke(hehe):

A hugh corporation needs an executive to runs its hugh new account it just won.  Three guys apply for the job, an engineer, an economist, and a lawyer.

Human Resources asks the engineer in.  "Sir," says HR, "if you can answer the question to this problem, you've got the job".  He reads off the question.  The engineer stokes his pocket protector(hehe--couldn't resist) for a moment.  Suddenly, he whips out his calculator, punches in hugh amounts of data, and reads back the answer, "Um, according to the hyperbole of the hypotenuse squared over the millionth root of blah, blah, blah..."  HR says, "okay, good, we'll let you know."

Next in HR reads the same question.  The economist stares throughtfully out the window.  Whips out his calculator, then says, "Yep.  According to the supply quotient vs. demand, depending on the cube of the root squared, blah blah blah, ..."  "Okay," says HR, "we'll call you.   Thank you."

Then in comes the lawyer.  HR reads the same question.  Lawyer stares at HR for a moment, jumps up, runs to the windows, yanks down the shades, slams the door shut, rushes back to his chair, sits down, looks HR in the eye and whiispers very quietly, "What would you like the answer to be?"

Thanks Symphony, and I liked the joke  ;D

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
 
 
 
 
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brus h made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?All done?
Check your answers below!
 
 
 
 
 
 
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crims on
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
 
What do you mean you failed? ;D ;D ;D

Yep, good point, Amb.  I failed mostly.   I "thought" catgut was from pig intestines, wasn't sure.  But I missed most of them.

Same here Bro  ;D

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

I do wish to protest. They put your picture on my license.  ;D

In Christ.

Oklahoma Howdy to All,

Subject: Magic Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,


"Go get your mother.

"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?" —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." —Jay Leno

"It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay." —Jay Leno

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he'd rather die and we'd rather kill him." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" —Jay Leno

"They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penn's couch." —David Letterman

"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy — he's one of their own." —Jay Leno

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news — they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel." —David Letterman

"Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there." —Jay Leno

"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army." —Conan O'Brien

"Germany is now saying that they won’t go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." —Jay Leno

LOL BEP  ;D

GRRRRRRRRRREAT Post BEP  ;D Thanks Bro, I will pass this one on...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five
minutes and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"  ;D ;D ;D

(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RgDeArgVXhGQIe*IoGU*csJcjrfhS9ek9e9*CjkfcAkayIkCZihD51f*R8O5BAm0Avsd6qbhIi3IxfY7WdrEMTLPZUx5KJ5!c1lUwFGHiPU/dmouse.gif?dc=4675415696451725403)that's sorta crude, Amb.  On a family website, should we be saying hell, suck, etc.?

Sorry, prudish Symphony here.

But speaking of airplanes, Do you know how to hush the obnoxious passenger sitting next to you?

Just tell him you're a born again insurance salesman.

(drum roll, cymbal crash)

Back to the bull...

Two bulls, one young and the other old were standing on top of a hill when they saw a herd of cows make their way to the base. The young bull began pawing the ground in excitement. He turned to the older bull and exclaimed, "let's run down and get us one!"

The older bull took his time to survey the scene, then calmly he took a step forward and without looking at the younger bull, spoke. "No...let's walk down and get them all."

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be hanged," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

QUESTION: How many New Agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

ANSWER: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, we rejoice in your discovery. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

OK Bro I will try to clean up the jokes Bro, thanks  ;D

P.S.

I liked your joke  ;D

Corpus, you get  ;D ;D ;D For the Bull joke  ;D

And you get  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D for this one LOL  ;D

Two Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest replied! But I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can
teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in
no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his
two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"  ;D ;D ;D

> > > >The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> > > >the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of
> > > fat
> > > >and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The
> > > >Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> > > the
> > > >British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
> > > and
> > > >also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
> > > Conclusion:
> > > >Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you

LOL  ;D

Two world renowned scientists from Poland and Czechloslovakia wanted to study the famous Grizzly bear of Yellowstone Nat'l Park.

Nope, said the park rangers.  Too dangerous.

Please said the scientists.

NOpe, said the park rangers.  

PUH-LEEZE!!?? said the two scientist.

Well, okay, said the rangers, but you have to take these cell phones here and we want you checking back in with us every morning, got it?

Okay, said the scientists.

So they fly over from Europe, meet the rangers at Yellowstone, and begin their long trek back into the Park wilds, in search of Grizzly.

First day, they check back in.  Okay.
Second day, okay.
Third day, silence.
Fourth day, nothing.  Rangers say, That's it, we better go.  So they follow out into the wilds.

Pretty soon, there's a trail, and torn clothes, blood, etc.  And there, off in the distance, they just glimpse a male Grizzly lumbering off into the forest.  Then they spot a female, much closer.  Better shoot it, says one ranger.  Bang!!  

The rangers run over to the female bear.  "Better cut'her open, see what's inside."  "Okay", says another.  And there inside, was the Polish scientist.

Ugh, says the ranger.  That means....THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE!!


(hehe, SORRY!  Just can't help it.)(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0WgDdAqsczTlJgwqj2gZwKFyBPrfUXp36NkF!d5JG3iXlkQISdYKB8mQMYtDN2C7Q4Y3WduCwgrcTEXiFUrzC1YfIW7KruY7pxKnOgalFjCYRpKIPqODLDYVWAMwJZfXayP1IY9HsHNk/bear-doing-summersault.gif?dc=4675414557557999483)

THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE!! LOL  ;D ;D ;D

Thanks Bro  ;D

(http://www.beautifulclipart.com/clipart/smiley/smile5.gif)

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back  ;D

hehe, that's a funny one, Amb4.  

Why I Never Wash

(1) I was forced to as a child;

(2) People who wash are hypocrites they think they are cleaner than every body else;

(3) There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best;

(4) I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped;

(5) I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter;

(6) None of my friends wash;

(7) I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

(8) I can t spare the time;

(9) The bathrooms is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer and

(10) People who make soap are only after your money..........

PU  ;D ;D ;D

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ;D

WHO MAKES COFFEE IN YOUR HOUSE?


Did you know it's not right for a woman to make coffee?


Yup, it's in the Bible!


It says.............



"HEBREWS!" ;D ;D ;D
   

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. ;D ;D

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. ;D ;D

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."  ;D ;D
 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
 The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
 While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you
still call your wife those loving pet names."
 The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."  ;D ;D ;D

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." ;D ;D

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"  ;D ;D ;D

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." ;D ;D

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." ;D ;D ;D

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was
sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of children were waiting  in line to get their cheeks
painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy
dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing Her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his
grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."  ;D

awwww, now that was just plain sweet.. ;D

Hi ya  A4C.. long time no see.. still at it i see,! ;)
Lya TL

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special senator's airplane"

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you  from drowning!!!" ;D ;D

Hi Sister, how have you been? Your countdown is "30" plus 15 days  ;D

hi ya,, LOL 30+15.. hehe, yes it is and thanks for remembering.. ;D
I'm doing ok, awas gone for a bit due  to some stuff, but im glad to be back! :)

Lya TL

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the
ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be                        
rewarded with a wish.

But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.  ;D ;D ;D

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.  ;D

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?  ;D ;D

SIMPLE LITTLE QUESTIONS  ;D
 
 

These simple little questions are harder than you think; it just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking caps on. Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE - No cheating, no looking around,  and no using anything on or in your desk or computer. Can you beat 18?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions.

 

 

 


1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
6. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On the United States flag, is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll down.........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you got this one!)
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, & gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
7. Right
8. 20
9. Red
10. 88
11. Counter (north of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Left
15. Top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 8
24. Did you notice there wasn't one?
25. Ace of spades
26. Left
27. ONE
28. * and #
29. 3
30. Counter

 
 ;D

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.  While her husband is off at work  she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in
the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.  Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.  He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.  He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur
coat at the same time.  He goes over and asks her if she is OK.  She replies, "Yes."
He asks what she is doing.  She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...

I love this one...

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.  ;D ;D ;D

WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.  ;D

Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.  ;D

Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler. ;D

Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you. ;D

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.  One asked the other, "You were  always so organized in school,  Did you manage to live a well planned life?  "  

" yes,"  said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my  second marriage was to an actor; my
third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm  married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those  marriages have to do with a well planned life?"  

"One for the money, two for the  show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. ;D

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of  happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"  :)


Brother Love  :)

LOL Thanks Bro  ;D

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and hispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ;D ;D ;D

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The  third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"  ;D ;D ;D

 pedestrians AND Catholics  

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross.  A cop was directing traffic.  Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!"

The swelling throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection.

Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.  Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.  Tweeeeeeeet!  "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put.

She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.  The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!"  The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo!  Officer!  Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?" ;D ;D ;D

LOL good one A4C


marriage<- means to a 6 yr old LOL> MARRIAGE BUT NO BABIES!


A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to
marry the
little girl across the street.

The father being modern and well-schooled in
handling children,
hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious
step," he said.
"Have you thought it out completely?"

"Sure," his Young son answered. "We can spend one
week in my
room and the next in hers. It's right across the
street, so I can run
home if I get lonely in the night."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,"
the little boy
answered. The boy had an answer to every question
the father
raised.

Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about
babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you
know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy
replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg,
I'm going to step
on it!"
 ;) ;D

(http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/avatars/zanimals/zanimals31.gif)

HERE'S A FUNNY ONE FOR EVERY COMPUTER OWNER!!!!!


I was having trouble with my computer.  So I called Rick the computer guy,
to come over.  Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.  He
gave me a bill for a minimum service call.  As he was walking away, I called
after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T
error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it out ...... I D 1 0 T


                         (http://www.amazing-animations.com/gif1902/comp009.gif)

LOL

Brother Love :)

LOL

Brother Love :)

YES!! LOL

Brother Love :)

PROOF OF GOD
  An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told
  the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God. He said,
  "God if You are real, then I want You to knock me off this platform.
  I'll give you 15 minutes!"
  Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am
  God, I'm still waiting" He got down to the last couple of minutes and a
  BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard
  what the professor said.
  The football player walked in the class room and in the last
  minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying
  off the platform. The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, ...
  "Where did you come from , And why did you do that?"   The football player replied, " God was busy; He sent me!"


  A smile goes a long way towards happiness  

Brother Love :)

Good One Bro  ;D

LOL Sister

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"  ;D ;D ;D

Sounds like me  ;D ;D ;D

> > > Grandma's on the net again,
> > > The kitchen's not her home.
> > > She used to make us cherry pies, and
> > > Call us on the phone.
> > >
> > >
> > > She would talk to us for hours;
> > > Now she leaves us all alone.
> > > We want to talk to Grandma, but
> > > Can't get her on the phone!
> > >
> > >
> > > We miss her homemade biscuits, and
> > > I'll make this little bet;
> > > If you want to contact Grandma,
> > > You'll have to surf the net.
> > >
> > >
> > > Grandma's surfing now you know,
> > > She's surfing on the net.
> > > We've been calling her all morning, and
> > > We haven't got her yet.
> > >
> > >
> > > She's on the e-mail network,
> > > With her 'lectronic friends.
> > > If you want to talk to Grandma,
> > > Make sure that you hit 'send'.
> > >
> > >
> > > She never surfed at Malibu,
> > > Or caught a wave at Waikiki.
> > > She's never seen a surfboard:
> > > To her, Hang Ten's a water ski.
> > >
> > >
> > > She's never met a beach-bum-
> > > Noon Doggie's just a pup.
> > > But when she heads for her computer,
> > > You know the surf is up!
> > >
> > >
> > > Grandma's getting older and
> > > Her eyes are growing dim.
> > > Her random access memory,
> > > Is half of what it's been.
> > >
> > >
> > > When Saint Peter comes to call someday,
> > > She'll say, "I can't go yet".
> > > He'll have to wait for Grandma,
> > > Cuz she's surfing on the net!
> > >
> > >
> > > Written by another ol' Grandma

 An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

Brother Love :)

It is with heavy heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great Icon of the Entertainment community.
 
  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.  Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth,  Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.  Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,  wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, and was considered  to be a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, Two children, John Dough and Jane Dough,  plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 

Brother Love :)

Fair and unbalanced?



 Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from
National Public Radio, and an Israeli soldier were
hiking through the African jungle one day when they were
captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the
village and brought before the chief.

  The chief said, "I am familiar with your western
custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before
we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

  Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like
one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief
nodded to an underling, who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can
die content."

  Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this
life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the
poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing
"We Shall Overcome" one last time."

  The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

  Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can
die in peace."

  Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I
want to take out my tape recorder and describe the
scene here and what's about to happen.  Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on
the job til the end."

  The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape
recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She
then said, "Now I can die happy."

    The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli
soldier, what is your final wish?"

  "Kick me in the butt." said the Israeli.

  "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your
last hour?"

  "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the
butt." insisted the Israeli.

   So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into
the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Israeli
went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a
9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief
dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his
knapsack, pulled out his Uzi, and sprayed the
cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals
were dead or fleeing for their lives.

   As the Israeli was untying the others, they asked
him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you
ask them to kick you in the butt?"

   "What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you 'fair and balanced'
reporters call ME the aggressor again?!?"

Brother Love :)

;D

Funny, but also true  ;D

You Grt  ;D ;D ;D ;D LOL

What is Wrong With Sam?






A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one seat."
 
The man groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became
impatient.
 
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have
to call the manager."
 
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher
who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in
search of his manager.   In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success.  Finally, they summoned the police.
 
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"
 
"Sam," the man moaned.
 
"Where ya from, Sam?"
 
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony." ;D ;D

LOL "The balcony."

Brother Love :)

The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted, "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?" The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry. She replied, "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels."


Brother Love :)

 At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how > Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his  mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny,  what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife."

Brother Love :)

LOL ;D

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed  and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware." ;D ;D ;D

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police Cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,"Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle." ;D ;D ;D

A husband read an article to his wife about  how many words women use a day ...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and
asked, "What?" ;D ;D ;D

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." ;D ;D ;D

(http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/avatars/zanimals/zanimals31.gif)

LOL

Brother Love :)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." ;D ;D ;D

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ LOL

Brother Love :)

-Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.
 
-Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
 
-It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
 
-The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
 
-When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
 
-People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
 
-Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
 
-Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
 
-The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
 
-If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
 
-God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
 
-To make a long story short, don't tell it.
 
-Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
 
-Peace starts with a smile.
 
-I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
 
-A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
 
-We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
 
-Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.
 
-Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
 
-Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
 
-Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
 
-Forbidden fruits create many jams.
 
-God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
 
-God grades on the cross, not the curve.
 
-God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
 
-He who angers you, controls you!
 
-Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
 
-The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
 
-The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
 
-We don't change the message, the message changes us.
 
-You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
 
-The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
 
"Father, bless this person in whatever it is that You know he or she may be needing this day!"

Thanks Forrest, I like them all


Brother Love :)

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

AMEN! Thanks, I think we all need to post these on the refrigerator and read them before each meal.

In Christ.

Good idea Brother


Brother Love :)

Moral Dilemma


You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you  pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 1.  An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 2.  An old friend who once saved your life.

 3.  The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there  could only be one passenger in your car?

 Think before you continue reading...

 This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part  of a job application.

 You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and  thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend  because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect  chance to pay him back.  However, you may never be able to find  your perfect mate again.












 The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicates) had no trouble  coming up with his answer.  He simply answered: "I would give the car  keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

 I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my  dreams."  Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.  


Brother Love :)

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"   And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads Scroll down



(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! ... I PROMISE !)










































"W I N -  A - B A G E L"

Brother Love You Get  ;D ;D ;D

LOL ;D

WANNA RETIRE TO FLORIDA?  HERE'S WHAT ONE REFERENCE HAS TO SAY.

Dear diary:
April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this  is a state
that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings.
What  a  place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was
beautiful.  I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an
air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to  see  the sun every
day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of
palms and  rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night.
Where are  those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot.
Getting used  to  it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection,
though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my
car.
Got  one of  those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn
ointment for  my  hands.  I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got  to  respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this
morning. By  the  time I got out to the car for lunch, he'd swollen up to
the size of shopping  bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all
over $2,000 worth of  leather  upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like  Kibble and  poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my foot. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on
the  fritz  and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be
a  hurricane.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting
the swamp  mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn
house payments  and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here
Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and  gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost
as  much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me
off  the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going
to tear  his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted
Garfield!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and  sunny.
It's  been too hot for two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might
really  warm up  next week. And whoever came up with the statement,
"it may be hot, but at  least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat
exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??

Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack  the
window  and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend
the $1,500  house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon
rains  finally  came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove
the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could  fly!
The  Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new
$500  windshield.
That does it, we're moving back to  Ohio where all you have to
worry about  is  getting mugged.

I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.

these stories were checked on "TruthorFiction" and it says they are true.

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years  ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous
for anything heroic. His exploits were anything but  praise-worthy.
He was, however, notorious for enmeshing  the windy city in everything
from bootlegged booze and  prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer in Chicago nicknamed "Easy  Eddie." He was his lawyer
for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In  fact, Eddie's skill at
legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail  for a long time. To show
his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not  only was the money big,
but Eddie got special dividends. For  instance, he and his family
occupied
a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the
day. The estate was so  large that it filled an entire Chicago City
block.
Yes, Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little

consideration to  the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have
one
soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to  it
that
his young son had the best of everything: clothes, cars, and  a good
education.

Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement
with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong.
Yes, Eddie tried to teach his son to rise above his own sordid life.
Eddie
wanted his son to be a better man than he was.  Yet, with all his wealth
and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son;
two things that Eddie sacrificed to the Capone mob that he couldn't pass
on to his beloved son: a good name and a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Offering his son a good
name was far more important than all the riches he could lavish on him.
Easy Eddie wanted to rectify all the wrong he had done. He decided he

would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al  "Scarface"
Capone; he would try to clean up his tarnished name and offer his son
some semblance of integrity. But to do this, he would have to testify
against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.  But more
than anything, he wanted to be an example to his son. He  wanted to do
his best to make restoration and, hopefully, have a  good name to leave
his son. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a
lonely
Chicago Street.  But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift
he
had to offer, at the greatest price he would ever pay.
* * * * *

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes.  One such man was Lieutenant Commander
Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier
Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent
on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and

realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would
not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he
dropped
out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned
his blood cold. A squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their
way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a
sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his
squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he
warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do.
He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of
personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes.

Wing-mounted 50 calibers blazed as he charged in, attacking one
surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the

now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all
his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to
clip off a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as
possible and rendering them unfit to fly. He was desperate to do anything
he could to keep them from reaching the American ships. Finally, the
exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply
relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the
carrier.

Upon  arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding  his
return.
The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It
showed
the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had in fact
destroyed five  enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942, and
for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the
first
Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of  Honor.


A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.
His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and
today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of
this
great man. So the next time  you find yourself at O'Hare International,
give
some thought to  visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his
Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1  and  2.
* * * * *
SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.

Thats some real Bull, I LOVE Florida, I HATE "SNOW" dead trees, grass etc, etc

Brother Love :)

Thanks Forrest, thats a keeper


Brother Love :)

"LAWYER VS FARMER"
A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large
railroad company. The
farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through
which the railroad passed.
He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The
case was to be tried
before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney immediately
cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, keeping the conversation moving and
not letting the farmer
get much of a word in. The farmer finally agreed to take half of what he
was claiming to settle
the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the
young lawyer couldn't help
but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I
hate to tell you this,
but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The
engineer was asleep and
the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm
that morning. I didn't have
one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning
that case myself. That durned cow came home this morning!"  

Another good one Forrest, thanks Bro  ;D

LOL

Brother Love :)

The weakest link

Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are

Ready?

GO!!! (scroll down)




First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.What position
are you in?








Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If
you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!




Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't
take as much time as you took for the first question.









Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?










Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can YOU overtake the LAST person?!

You're not very good at this are you?








Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.






Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?




Scroll down for answer..









Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.  Don't believe it? Check
with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?







Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.


What is the name of the fifth daughter?








Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again






KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE!

Brother Love :)

I like it, I like it

Thanks Brother Love

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife  told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see  from the bedroom window.
 George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there  were  people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked"Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then they said that all patrols  were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30,and  phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because  there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them  because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
  Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an  ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you  said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


ROFL.. thought this was so funny!!
Lya's TL

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman
- I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: - But, madam, computers do not have curtains....
And the blonde said:









- Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROFl.. ok no offence to blondes, i to am a um well streaked blonde lol and this was sent to me by a blonde haha.. but oh goodness this one i think was the best blonde joke i have read up till now..!!!
hehe
lya.. TL

some good ones, tigerlilly.

You get  ;D ;D ;D ;D tigerlily LOL I liked both of them ;D

Oklahoma Howdy To All,

By the way, if you use the short form of Oklahoman like Will Rogers did, it's "Okie".  :D

Hilarious Signs:

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

 ;D
I made a ZERO, so I must be the weakest link.

Life Saver:

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!"

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"

 ;D

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And
where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Wisdom:

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Questions:

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What is one nice thing about egotists? They don't talk about other people.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

blackeyedpeas, all of them get  :) :) :) :)

I Love You Brother


Brother Love :)

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home.'"
"That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
 ;D ;D ;D

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth.
Finally, he says I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"  ;D ;D ;D

LOL

Brother Love :)

 ;D

British courtesy

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
gotcha6  on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward the  officer, he said, "This is very nice of you.
Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."



 ;D ;D ;D

I was thinking:

I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

    BEP;
  The thing is eventho the BIBLE has the answers most don't belive, even with the answer right before their eyes.

My Aunt sent me this. Bless her sweet heart; all of the answers she needs are in the Holy Bible. I'm still learning, and I never cease to be amazed that I can get something new from the same portion of Scripture, regardless of how many times I read it. I am learning that all of the answers I need are in the WORD.

In Christ.

                        AMEN
  We all are constintly learning from GODS Word every day.

DITTO ;D

New billboards are getting attention in parts of the U.S. Some reported
seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's
a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards
are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or
sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome ... enjoy.
--------------------------------------
Tell the kids I love them.
-God
-----------------------------------------
Let's meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God
---------------------------------------
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
----------------------------------------
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
didn't you understand?
-God
---------------------------------------
We need to talk.
-God
--------------------------------------
Keep using my name in vain,
I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
---------------------------------------
Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage.
-God
----------------------------------------
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...
I meant it.
-God
-----------------------------------------
I love you and you
and you and you and...
-God
---------------------------------------
Will the road you're on
get you to my place?
-God
---------------------------------------
Follow me.
-God
---------------------------------------
Big bang theory,
you've got to be kidding.
-God
---------------------------------------
My way is the highway.
-God
---------------------------------------
Need directions?
-God
---------------------------------------
You think it's hot here?
-God
-----------------------------------------
Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God
---------------------------------------
Do you have any idea
where you're going?
-God
----------------------------------------------
(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there.
-God
---------------------------------------

Thanks Forrest, another good one  ;D

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband never to

open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time
that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I
ever got

angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with

happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."


 ;D ;D ;D

(http://sendapet.net/fun/nowrinkles/wrinklies2.jpg)

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray-
And, as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young-
And, thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done!

THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS...
Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what in the world happened.


Ain't it the truth

Heres one that enuff to make you feel like gagging ROFL..
Enjoy.... ;) ;D ;D

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile. "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

LOL ;D ;D ;D

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long  it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan  Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
------------------------------------------------
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for  chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water.  And then you dump the stock.
------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the  best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start  by buying me a drink."
------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
--------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a  display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds  since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it  all in one."
---------------------------------------------------
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped  the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say a dirty word afterwards!"

Actual Employee Evaluations



The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows
signs of starting to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this man to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.

6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This man has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

14. A room temperature I.Q.

15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it
together.

16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

22. Fell out of his family tree.

23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't
coming.

24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.

25. He's so dense,light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Subject: Men's Rule's


We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note. . .these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints
do not work! Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.


1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know it's not true, but it is just not
worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or
monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I AM in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.  

And you thought YOU knew everything...
>
>
>
>Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
>mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
>
>
>
>Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from
>a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
>
>
>
>The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
>
>
>
>No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
>
>
>
>Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.  
>
>
>
>
>You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
>
>
>
>Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
>
>
>
>The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
>
>
>
>The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
>
>
>
>A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
>
>
>
>American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each
>salad served in first-class.
>
>
>
>Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
>
>
>
>Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
>
>
>
>The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
>
>
>
>Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
>
>
>
>The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
>
>
>
>Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
>factory workers in Malaysia combined.
>
>
>
>Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
>
>
>
>All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing
>them in public.
>
>
>
>Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
>
>
>
>Pearls melt in vinegar.
>
>
>Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
>married.
>
>
>The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
>Budweiser, in that order.
>
>
>
>It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
>
>
>
>A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
>
>
>The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the
>engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and
>figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
>
>
>Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first USpresident whose name contains all the
>letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
>
>
>Turtles can breathe through their butts.
>
>
>Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>
>In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
>nuclear weapons combined.
>
>
>
>On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
>
>
>
>On average people fear spiders more than death.
>
>
>
>Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
>
>
>
>
>Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
>
>
>
>
>Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
>
>
>
>Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
>
>
>It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
>
>
>
>The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because
>when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the
>books that would occupy the building.
>
>
>A snail can sleep for three years.
>
>
>No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
>
>
>Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
>
>
>Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
>stop growing. SCARY!!!
>
>
>The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
>
>
>All polar bears are left handed.
>
>
>In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including
>their eyebrows and eyelashes.
>
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>An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
>
>TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one
>row of the keyboard.
>
>
>Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
>
>
>
>If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand
>seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
>
>
>
>A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
>
>
>The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
>
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>Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
>
>
>Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
>
>Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.  They will
>get a kick out of it.
>
>
>As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in
>many ways ...to keep me quiet.