BULL

[Ambassador4Christ]

This rich person was very faithful about going to church.

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."

LOL  

[Ambassador4Christ]

NOTE: This is one of my FAVORITES  

Born a Baptist

A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic
neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics were
driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating
fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks.
The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to
convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much
pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded.
They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled
Holy Water on the man while saying, "Born a Baptist,
Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!"
The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived
for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
once again drifted through the neighborhood.
The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist's house
to remind him of his new diet.
They found him standing over the cooking steaks,
sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a
cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"

[Forrest]

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping, carrying everything in a cardboard box.

His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in acardboard box, son?"
To which his son replies,

"Because there's no Baghdad!"

[Ambassador4Christ]

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping, carrying everything in a cardboard box.

His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in acardboard box, son?"
To which his son replies,

"Because there's no Baghdad!"

Good one Forrest, LOL  

[Ambassador4Christ]

Nuns & Baseball


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."  

[Ambassador4Christ]

PREGNANT BLONDE

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her,"That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive."

[IrishAngel]

NOTE: This is one of my FAVORITES  

Born a Baptist

A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic
neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics were
driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating
fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks.
The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to
convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much
pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded.
They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled
Holy Water on the man while saying, "Born a Baptist,
Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!"
The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived
for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
once again drifted through the neighborhood.
The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist's house
to remind him of his new diet.
They found him standing over the cooking steaks,
sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a
cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"

LOL!

I`ve got a different version of that last line...

wanna hear it?

sure ya do...

"Born a boy, Raised a boy, now a Big Baby!"

author: twouble  

[Ambassador4Christ]

I`ve got a different version of that last line...

wanna hear it?

sure ya do...

"Born a boy, Raised a boy, now a Big Baby!"

author: twoubl

 

[Symphony]

That's a funny one, A4C.

Good one, Forrest--no Baghdad!  hehe.

Say, Irish, you should tell the one about the Bible salesman.  I think that's the funniest joke I ever heard.  I printed it out when you had it here the first time, but thot maybe you might know where you could just cut and paste.  It's kinda long.


Okay:

Run over a canary with your lawn mower, what'll you have??

(Shredded tweet.......(hehe))



Couple goes in to restaurant, sits down, views menu.  Wife says, Oh look, honey, your favorite, turtle soup!

Hmmmm, I DO like turtle soup, says the hubby.  I'lll order it!  Waiter!?  Waiter!?  I'll take the turtle soup.  

Okay, sir.  Bring it right up.

Just then the wife says, Oh honey, look, they have PEA soup too.  You know that's REALLY your favorite!

Hmmmm, says hubby, that's true.  But I've already ordered.  Maybe I can change it.  Waiter!?  Waiter!?  

Yes, sir, what is it?

Um, sorry, but would it be too late to change my order?  

 Oh, no sir, not at all.  What would you like?  

Well, I'd really like the pea soup, please.

Oh certainly, sir, said the waiter, turning to the kitchen window,  and yells, "Hold the turtle!  Make it pea !


(hehe)

[IrishAngel]

k...here`s a shorter version...

The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

[Forrest]

not always
 
Little Logan and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating
at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook.

[Forrest]

On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other
forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll
take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back
and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.

[Forrest]

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for
>sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed
>to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though
>not young, they were both in very good health, largely due
>to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the
>last three decades.
>
>
>One day, their good health didn't help when they went on
>a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to
>Heaven.
>
>They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them
>inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in
>gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall
>in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite
>clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet. They gasped in astonish-
>ment when he said, "Welcom e to Heaven. This will be your home now."
>
>The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
>cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is
>your reward in Heaven."
>
>The old man looked out the window and saw a championship
>golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
>"What are the green fees?", grumbled the old man. "This
>is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day--
>any starting time you wish."
>
>Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
>with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood
>to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain
>of champagne.
>"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple.
>"This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
>
>The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
>"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and
>the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
>"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink
>as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get
>fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
>
>The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
>"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
>"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
>"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
>
>The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your
>fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

[Forrest]

AS SEEN ON T-SHIRTS

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
     was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

27) Procrastinate Now

28) Rehab Is for Quitters

29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since
      15

33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names

34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the
      memory.

47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for
      a pig.

50) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.

51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

52) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith &Wesson

[IrishAngel]

I Come Quickly  

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten
very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the
first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely
nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the
platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his
presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of
his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered
that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like
this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing
he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He
thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still
nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words
with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the
pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into
the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and
embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started
to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It
was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way
down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"