BULL

[Symphony]

Thanks, Irish, for the Bible salesman joke.  And the others.

Forrest, you are one busy bee!!   Some good ones for bumper stickers there.

[Ambassador4Christ]

That's a funny one, A4C.

Good one, Forrest--no Baghdad!  hehe.

Say, Irish, you should tell the one about the Bible salesman.  I think that's the funniest joke I ever heard.  I printed it out when you had it here the first time, but thot maybe you might know where you could just cut and paste.  It's kinda long.


Okay:

Run over a canary with your lawn mower, what'll you have??

(Shredded tweet.......(hehe))



Couple goes in to restaurant, sits down, views menu.  Wife says, Oh look, honey, your favorite, turtle soup!

Hmmmm, I DO like turtle soup, says the hubby.  I'lll order it!  Waiter!?  Waiter!?  I'll take the turtle soup.  

Okay, sir.  Bring it right up.

Just then the wife says, Oh honey, look, they have PEA soup too.  You know that's REALLY your favorite!

Hmmmm, says hubby, that's true.  But I've already ordered.  Maybe I can change it.  Waiter!?  Waiter!?  

Yes, sir, what is it?

Um, sorry, but would it be too late to change my order?  

 Oh, no sir, not at all.  What would you like?  

Well, I'd really like the pea soup, please.

Oh certainly, sir, said the waiter, turning to the kitchen window,  and yells, "Hold the turtle!  Make it pea !


(hehe)

Bro you get  

[Ambassador4Christ]

k...here`s a shorter version...

The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

I remember that one, it is  a keeper. Thanks Angel  

[Ambassador4Christ]

not always
 
Little Logan and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating
at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook.

I LOVE it, thanks Forrest  

[Ambassador4Christ]

On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other
forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll
take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back
and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.

Thats a real good one, you get  

[Ambassador4Christ]

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your
fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

Another   Thanks again Forrest

[Ambassador4Christ]

AS SEEN ON T-SHIRTS

  Another GRRRRRRREAT one  

[Ambassador4Christ]

I Come Quickly  

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten
very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the
first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely
nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the
platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his
presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of
his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered
that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like
this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing
he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He
thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still
nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words
with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the
pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into
the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and
embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started
to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It
was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way
down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

Thanks Angel  

[Ambassador4Christ]

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
       
      "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"  

[Ambassador4Christ]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS  

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS  STATISTICS  

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS  

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY  

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE  

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE  

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED  

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Ambassador4Christ]

THE LOVING HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages
the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1500.00. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: " I also stopped at the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked."

MAN:"How much?"

WOMAN "$65,000.00."

MAN:: "For that price I want all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing...the house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking
$850,000..00."

MAN:: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just
offer $840,000.00."

WOMAN "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN:: "Bye, I love you too!"

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at
him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone
belongs to?"  

[Forrest]

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

[Forrest]

The Secret
 
One day, one friend asked another,
"How is it that you are always so happy?
You have so much energy,
and you never seem to get down."
 
 
 
With her eyes smiling, she said,
"I know the Secret!"
"What secret is that?"
To which she replied,
"I'll tell you all about it,
but you have to promise to
share the Secret with others."
 
 
"The Secret is this:
I have learned there is little I can do
in my life that will make me truly happy.
I must depend on God to make
me happy and to meet my needs.
When a need arises in my life,
I have to trust God to supply
according to HIS riches.
I have learned most of the time
I don't need half of what I think I do..
He has never let me down.
Since I learned that 'Secret', I am happy."
 
 
 
The questioner's first thought was,
"That's too simple!"
But upon reflecting over her own life
she recalled how she thought a bigger house
would make her happy, but it didn't!
She thought a better paying job
would make her happy, but it hadn't.
When did she realize her greatest happiness?
Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren,
playing games, eating pizza or reading a story,
a simple gift from God.
 
 
 
Now you know it too!
We can't depend on people to make us happy.
Only GOD in His infinite wisdom can do that.
Trust HIM!
And now I pass the Secret on to you!
So once you get it, what will you do?
 
 
 
YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!
That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!
But it's not really a secret...
We just have to believe it and do it....
Really trust God!
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

YES!!!! LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

The Secret
 
One day, one friend asked another,
"How is it that you are always so happy?
You have so much energy,
and you never seem to get down."
 
 
 
With her eyes smiling, she said,
"I know the Secret!"
"What secret is that?"
To which she replied,
"I'll tell you all about it,
but you have to promise to
share the Secret with others."
 
 
"The Secret is this:
I have learned there is little I can do
in my life that will make me truly happy.
I must depend on God to make
me happy and to meet my needs.
When a need arises in my life,
I have to trust God to supply
according to HIS riches.
I have learned most of the time
I don't need half of what I think I do..
He has never let me down.
Since I learned that 'Secret', I am happy."
 
 
 
The questioner's first thought was,
"That's too simple!"
But upon reflecting over her own life
she recalled how she thought a bigger house
would make her happy, but it didn't!
She thought a better paying job
would make her happy, but it hadn't.
When did she realize her greatest happiness?
Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren,
playing games, eating pizza or reading a story,
a simple gift from God.
 
 
 
Now you know it too!
We can't depend on people to make us happy.
Only GOD in His infinite wisdom can do that.
Trust HIM!
And now I pass the Secret on to you!
So once you get it, what will you do?
 
 
 
YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!
That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!
But it's not really a secret...
We just have to believe it and do it....
Really trust God!
 

Bro, thats no bull, thanks for posting it.