Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[nChrist]

Take Out For Lunch

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.

As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."

[nChrist]

Who Gets The Dog

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

[nChrist]

Potential Company Mergers

Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker

W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera

Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da

[nChrist]

Art Collector

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[nChrist]

Pop Rocks

Cassie was taking two of her Grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

[nChrist]

No Matter What

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute!

We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"

[nChrist]

Hi Tech Watch

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies "Sure, which country?"

The fella asks "How many countries have you got?", to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one . . . You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."

The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch" and then, handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries."

[nChrist]

Comedian's Convention

Someone brought a visitor and the new fellow sat fascinated as the funnymen shouted out numbers--"56!" "923!" "307!" Each time a number was called, the others would laugh and laugh.

Finally he asked his host, "What are the numbers for?" The other man explained, "Oh, we've been coming to these conventions for so long, everyone knows all the jokes. We just categorize them by number and then save time by using the number alone."

ENDING #1: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea, and that he would try it himself. So the next time there was a pause, he stood up and called out, "468!" The others roared with laughter. He waited, then called out, "22!" and again everyone roared. Then he called out, "829!" and there was a dead silence--all except for one guy in the fourth row, who laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and rolled on the floor, seemingly unable to stop.

The visitor poked his host and whispered, "How come he's laughing and the others aren't?"

The host whispered back, "Oh, that's because he never heard that one before."

ENDING #2: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea...so he stood up and called out, "468!" and no one laughed--there was a dead silence. Puzzled, he turned to his host. The other man looked away, sniffed, and said condescendingly, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

[nChrist]

Planning Ahead

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[nChrist]

Student Driver

As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"

[nChrist]

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!". The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!".

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop", said the man. "Halt!", he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no...'Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!", shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN".

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man

[nChrist]

Airline Rage

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.

"I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

[nChrist]

What Does That Mean?

Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy. As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.

Levi whispered, "what does that mean?"

Jimmy replied, "unfortunately -- nothing!"

[nChrist]

Who's The Boss?

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[nChrist]

More Insurance Claims

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Travelled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."