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Shammu
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« Reply #750 on: August 01, 2005, 04:50:28 PM » |
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Remember the one about the guy standed in a flood? He escaped to the roof of his house. A man in a rowboat came by and asked if he could take the man to safety. The man said, "No, I prayed to God to take care of me, and I trust that He will." Then as the waters got higher, a military amphibious vehicle came by and ordered the guy to evacuate, but again he refused, saying, "No, I prayed to God to take care of me, and I trust that He will." Then as the waters got higher, and the guy was standing on the top of his chimney, a news helicopter came by and begged him to climb up the rope to the safety of the helicopter. But the man said, "No, I prayed to God to take care of me, and I trust that He will." Then the waters rose higher, and the man drowned. When he saw God, he asked God, "Why did you not save me!" And God responded that He had sent the man in the rowboat, and the military amphibious vehicle, and finally the news helicopter.
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cris
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« Reply #751 on: August 01, 2005, 06:36:04 PM » |
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These are ALL funny. Loved them. How a good laugh lightens up the day. Thank you for posting them.
From Groucho Marxx:
I NEVER forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
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A theater owner found a wallet with no name and $700 in it. He announced to the audience, "Will the person who lost $700 please form a double line at the box office?"
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A very wise schoolteacher sent a note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says that happens at home."
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Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard the boy scream. She found Jack's 2-year old sister pulling the boy's hair. She gently relaxed the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts." She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.
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JudgeNot
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« Reply #752 on: August 08, 2005, 11:26:25 AM » |
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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Covering your tracks is futile; God knows where you're going and where you've been. JPD |
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nChrist
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« Reply #753 on: August 08, 2005, 09:26:03 PM » |
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 Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark: "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
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cris
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« Reply #754 on: August 08, 2005, 09:38:40 PM » |
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Those were good......................I'm ROFL. I wouldn't be surprised to find these in greeting cards..............Hallmark might not do them though..................someone will. I've read some cards very close to these. I've wondered why anyone who dislikes someone that much, would go to the trouble to buy a card and stamp, though. |
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JudgeNot
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« Reply #755 on: August 11, 2005, 01:34:41 PM » |
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Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning"as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
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Covering your tracks is futile; God knows where you're going and where you've been. JPD |
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cris
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« Reply #756 on: August 11, 2005, 01:48:17 PM » |
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Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning"as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
Dear Mr. Pashby, Thank you for the additional information for Block 3 of the accident report. What happened next? |
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Soldier4Christ
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« Reply #757 on: August 11, 2005, 08:54:00 PM » |
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What happened next? A class in Physics to go along with the lesson already received?? |
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Joh 9:4 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
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nChrist
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« Reply #758 on: August 22, 2005, 03:14:31 PM » |
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Fun Things to Do in an Elevator Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral". On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!" Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" Sing along with the Muzak. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently. |
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nChrist
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« Reply #759 on: August 22, 2005, 03:21:02 PM » |
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Gifts and Toys You'll Never See The new Card Game, ISLAMIC POKER: You lose a hand, you lose a hand! Fairly Serious Putty Lil' Electrical Outlet Licker The new Card Game, 5200 Card Pickup: Keeps kids busy all day. Ginsu Boomerang The Duncan YO: It never comes back up. It teaches kids how to live with disappointment. Don King Hair Care products. Angry Bird-In-A-Bag Mike Tyson’s Hooked on Phonics. The John Goodman AB sculptor. A gift certificate for Hannibal Lechter’s new BBQ restaurant. |
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JudgeNot
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« Reply #760 on: September 13, 2005, 04:33:17 PM » |
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Covering your tracks is futile; God knows where you're going and where you've been. JPD |
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nChrist
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« Reply #761 on: September 14, 2005, 05:54:14 AM » |
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;D ;D ;D
Football Makes Sense:
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, " but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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nChrist
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« Reply #762 on: September 14, 2005, 06:01:42 AM » |
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A Classic of Classics: Who's On First?
by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - Page 1
Bud: You know, strange as it may seem, they give baseball players peculiar names nowadays. On the St Louis team, we have Who's on first, What's on second and I don't know is on third.
Lou: That's what I want to find out, I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St Louis team.
Bud: I'm telling you. Who's on first, what's on second, I don't know is on third!
Lou: You know the fellow's names?
Bud: Yes
Lou: Well then, whose playing first?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Bud: Who.
Lou: The fellow's name on first base for St Louis.
Bud: Who
Lou: The guy on first base
Bud: Who is on first base
Lou: What are you asking me for?
Bud: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Who is on first!
Lou: I'm asking you, who is on first?
Bud: That's the man's name
Lou: That's whose name?
Bud: Yes
Lou: Well, go ahead and tell me
Bud: Who
Lou: The guy on first
Bud: Who
Lou: The first baseman
Bud: Who is on first
Lou: (Getting worked up) Have you got a first baseman on first?
Bud: Why certainly
Lou: Well, all I am trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base
Bud: Oh, no, no. What is on second base
Lou: I'm not asking you whose on second
====================See Page 2
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nChrist
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« Reply #763 on: September 14, 2005, 06:02:48 AM » |
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A Classic of Classics: Who's On First?
by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - Page 2
Bud: Who's on first
Lou: That's what I'm trying to find out
Bud: Well, don't change the players around
Lou (shouting): I'm not changin' anybody!
Bud: Take it easy man
Lou: What's the guy's name on first base?
Bud: What's the guy's name on second base
Lou: I'm not asking whose on second
Bud: Whose on first
Lou: I don't know
Bud: He's on third. We're not talking about him
Lou: How could I get on third base?
Bud: You mentioned his name
Lou: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Bud: No, who's playing first
Lou: Stay offa first will ya??!
Bud:Please, now what is it you'd like to know?
Lou: What is the fellow's name on third base?
Bud: What is the fellow's name on second base
Lou: I'm not asking you whose on second.
Bud: Who's on first
Lou: I don't know
Both together: Third base!
Lou: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Bud: Certainly.
Lou: Who gets the money?
Bud: Every dollar of it
Lou: When you give the guy the money, who gets it?
Bud: Yes. He's entitled to it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Lou: Whose wife?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Look, when you give the guy a receipt, how does he sign it?
Bud: Who
Lou: The guy you give the money too
======================See Page 3
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nChrist
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« Reply #764 on: September 14, 2005, 06:03:54 AM » |
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A Classic of Classics: Who's On First?
by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - Page 3
Bud: Who. That's how he signs it
Lou: You got an outfield?
Bud: Certainly
Lou: St Louis has got a good outfield?
Bud: Oh, absolutely
Lou: The left fielder's name?
Bud: Why.
Lou: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask
Bud: Well, I just thought I'd tell you
Lou: Then tell me, who's playing left field?
Bud: Who's playing first
Lou: Stay outta the infield!! I wanna know what's the fellow's name in left field?
Bud: What's on second
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second
Bud: Who is on first
Lou: I don't know
Together: Third base!
Bud: Now take it easy man!
Lou: And the left fielder's name?
Bud: Why
Lou: Because
Bud: Oh, he's in centre field
Lou: Wait a minute, you gotta pitcher on the team?
Bud: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher
Lou: I don't know. What's the pitcher's name
Bud: Tomorrow
Lou: You don't want to tell me today?
Bud: I'm telling you man
Lou: Then go ahead
Bud: Tomorrow
Lou: What time?
Bud: What time what?
========================See Page 4
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« Last Edit: September 14, 2005, 07:23:57 AM by blackeyedpeas »
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