Laughter - Good Medicine

[Sweden]

where do u find all these long lists of jokes? lol

[Shammu]

where do u find all these long lists of jokes? lol

some are e-mail, to members. Some are found on the inter-net.

Bob
_________________________________________________

An urgent plea for help

With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your Heart to help those in need.

Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious!) And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the current lockout situation. But now, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, ...but it's a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00).

Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Cheerleaders not included).
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

Your Name:

Telephone Number:

Account Number: Exp.Date: [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature:

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.

Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.

Contributions are not tax-deductible.
__________________________________________________
My groaner, for the day.
Bob

[nChrist]

   

_____________________

"The Rules" From The Male Side!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want...
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[nChrist]

   

We're all in our places,
With sun-shiny faces,
So this is the way,
To start the new day.

[Shammu]

   

We're all in our places,
With sun-shiny faces,
So this is the way,
To start the new day.

Brother, I have never seen you look so good. Bob is now in hiding.

[Shammu]

Now a few groaners.

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God.

This non-denominational campaign started in September. It was sponsored by an anonymous client. I think some of the messages are quite humorous:

1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God
___________________________________________________

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

[Shammu]

Things you never hear in church..............
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
_________________________________________________

Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn't eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a.....

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
____________________________________________________

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

[nChrist]

(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
0-60 in 15 minutes!
100% Irony Free
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
7 days without Jesus makes one weak.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Are you following Jesus this close?
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Ax Me About Ebonics
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Be Human.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beam me up Jesus.
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.

[nChrist]

Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucius say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Disappointed? Too bad!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?
Don't Follow me - I am LOST!!!
Don't laugh it's paid for.
Don't make me go medieval on you.
Don't miss heaven for the world.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
E. coli Happens.
Each day is a gift.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery.

[peh]

Here's some I got in an e-mail.  thought some of them were pretty funny and some that just make you think.

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS:

"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case"

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you test their favorite doctrine.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.  (I would have said roaches but this will do)

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny in that they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

[Shammu]

God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?

Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

Okay, so it is a groaner.........

[nChrist]

 
______________________

Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everything Is Somewhere.
Everything i need to know i learned in prison.
Everything is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Everything is possible just not too probable.
Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you.
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering...
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
God must love stupid people...he made so many!
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man.
Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
Gun control is a steady hand.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
Have you slapped an environmentalist today?
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
How may I ignore you today?
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

[nChrist]

I can resist everything except temptation.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't do mornings.
I don't do requests.
I don't drive fast - I fly low.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I laughed my rear off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I left the womb for this?
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want?
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I press charges.
I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous.
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm back by popular demand.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I'm only driving this way to make you angry.
I'm only here to ANNOY!!

[nChrist]

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN.
IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this you're in range.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can read this. thank a teacher.
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
Im not tailgating im just tring to keep my bumper on.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.

[JudgeNot]

Subject:  Dust

"Dear Lord," the pastor began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face,
"without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.