Laughter - Good Medicine

[Soldier4Christ]

Subject:  Dust

"Dear Lord," the pastor began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face,
"without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

Out of the mouths of babes and so appropriately said.

[JudgeNot]

[nChrist]

     Thanks Brother Jim - I needed that laugh.

[Jimbo]

This may be old but my wife and I think its funny


An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
 
 What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
 said to himself.  As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look.  He saw a 7 foot
 grizzly bear charge towards him.   He ran as fast as he could up the
 path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in
on him.   He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even
 closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.   He rolled over to pick
himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with
 his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.   At that instant
the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
 Time stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  As a bright
 light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my
 existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
 credit creation to a cosmic accident.   Do you expect me to help you out
 of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
 
 The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
 me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
 you make the BEAR a Christian?"
 "Very well," said the voice.

 The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.   And then the
 bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his
 head and spoke:  "Lord, bless this food, which I am about  to receive
 from thy bounty through Christ our Lord.  Amen

[nChrist]

     Thanks - I needed that laugh. I have heard this one, but it's been a very long time. It's a keeper and a classic.

I see this is your first post on Christians Unite, so WELCOME!! I sincerely hope that you enjoy the fellowship here.

Jimbo, we've got a really interesting mixture of sweet and nice Christians here. Jump in and have some fun.

Love In Christ,
Tom

John 10:7-11 ASV  Jesus therefore said unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.  All that came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.  I am the door; by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and go out, and shall find pasture.  The thief cometh not, but that he may steal, and kill, and destroy: I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly.  I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd layeth down his life for the sheep.

[Jimbo]

I plan on it, thank you for the warm welcome.

[JudgeNot]

Let me apologize in advance to Brother BEP (and others) for this 'richly humorous' yarn.
 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
(Of course, we know God is never missing, but this is a story)…
Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquires of God, “Where have you been?”
God loosed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. “Look, Michael, look what I've made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It's a planet,” replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, “For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with an ocean as its southern border and said, “What's that one?”
“Ah,” said God, “that's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate.  The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Texas!”
God replied wisely:




“Wait until you see the people I'm sending down from Oklahoma on vacation every summer!"

[nChrist]

        Thanks Brother Jim - I needed that laugh!

I won't try to get revenge since I have family all over Texas. Parts of Texas are gorgeous, so we'll be content in letting Texas remain a territory of Oklahoma.  

[Shammu]

More bumper stickers.

3 Kinds Of People: Those Who Can Count & Those Who Can't

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like... Night!

A Flashlight Is A Case For Holding Dead Batteries

A Flying Saucer Results When A Nudist Spills His Coffee

According To My Calculations, The Problem Doesn't Exist

Adult Child Of Alien Invaders

Alcohol And Calculus Don't Mix - Never Drink And Derive

All Generalizations Are False

All Those Who Believe In Psychokinesis Raise My Hand

Always Remember You're Unique, Just Like Everyone Else

Am I Ambivalent? Well, Yes And No

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Bad Cop - No Donut[/b] - just for you Tom  

Be Kind To Animals - Hug A Hockey Player

Beam Me Up Scotty, There Are No Intellenge Life

Beam Me Up Scotty, There's No Intelligent Life Down Here

Beam Me Up Scotty, This Planet Sucks!

Beam Me Up, Scotty!

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

Boycott Shampoo! Demand The Real Poo!

Bumper Sticker!

Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?

Can You Be A Closet Claustrophobic?

Caution: Attack Cat On Duty!

Celebrate Perversity

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Clones Are People Two
 
Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

Copywight 1999 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved

Corduroy Pillows Make Headlines!

Dare To Keep Cops Off Donuts!

Deja Moo: The Feeling That You've Heard This Stuff Before

A Department Of Redundancy Department

Disinformation Is Not As Good As Datinformation

Do Cemetery Workers Prefer The Graveyard Shift?

Do Hungry Crows Have Ravenous Appetites?

Do Pediatricians Play Miniature Golf On Wednesdays?

Does Fuzzy Logic Tickle?

Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

Does Your Train Of Thought Have A Caboose

Don't Blame Me, I'm From Mars

Don't Forget Winona...

Don't Squat With Your Spurs On

Don't Use A Big Word Where A Diminutive One Will Suffice

[Shammu]

Energizer Bunny Arrested, Charged With Battery

Even Though This Is A Stupid Sticker, You're Squinting To Read It

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

Everybody Repeat After Me: We Are All Individuals

First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order

For People Who Like Peace And Quiet: A Phoneless Cord

Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else

Gravity: It's Not Just A Good Idea, It's The Law

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

Headline: Bear Takes Over Disneyland In Pooh D'etat!

Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy

Help Wanted: Telepath - You Know Where To Apply

Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet

How Do I Set A Laser Printer To Stun?

How Do They Get The Deer To Cross At That Yellow Road Sign?

How Do You Tell When You Run Out Of Invisible Ink?

I Always Wanted To Be A Procrastinator, But I Never Got Around To It

I Am Having An Out Of Money Experience

I Don't Have A Solution But I Admire The Problem

I Don't Know Jack, But I Met Diddly Squat

I Don't Mind Going Nowhere As Long As It's An Interesting Path

I Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow

I Poured Spot Remover On My Dog And Now He's Gone

I Smile Because I Have Absolutely No Idea What's Going On

I Think You Left The Stove On

I Tried Sniffing Coke Once, But The Ice Cubes Got Stuck In My Nose

I Used To Think I Was Indecisive, But Now I'm Not Sure

I Was Seduced By The Chocolate Side Of The Force - for Pastor Roger, and Beeps.

I Wonder How Much Deeper The Ocean Would Be Without Sponges

I'd Kill For A Nobel Peace Prize

If A Book About Failures Doesn't Sell, Is It A Success?

If A Mute Swears, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap?

If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?

If A Stealth Bomber Crashes In A Forest, Will It Make A Sound?

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

If All The World Is A Stage, Where Is The Audience Sitting?

If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Astonished!

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling

If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried

If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Is Not For You

If Marriage Were Outlawed, Only Outlaws Would Have In-Laws

If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Have To Drown Too?

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

If Stupidity Got Us Into This Mess, Then Why Can't It Get Us Out?

If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

If The Cops Arrest A Mime, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?  

If The Funeral Procession Is At Night, Do Folks Drive With Their Lights Off?

If The Police Arrest A Mute, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?  

If You Ate Pasta And Antipasta, Would You Still Be Hungry?

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Put This Upside Down!]

If You Lived In Your Car, You'd Be Home By Now

If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

If You're Cross-Eyed And Have Dyslexia, Can You Read All Right?

If You're Gonna Be A Turd, Go Lay In The Yard

I'm A Few Beers Short Of A Six-Pack

I'm A Few Clowns Short Of A Circus

I'm A Few Feathers Short Of A Whole Duck

I'm A Few Fries Short Of A Happy Meal

I'm A Few Peas Short Of A Casserole

I'm An Experiment In Artificial Stupidity

I'm From Minnesota, Where We Have All Four Seasons... Winter, Winter, Winter, And Aug 15

I'm Missing A Few Buttons On My Remote Control

I'm Not A Complete Idiot - Some Parts Are Missing

I'm One Fruit Loop Shy Of A Full Bowl

I'm One Taco Short Of A Combination Plate

I'm Pro Lifejacket And I Boat

I'm Tired Of All This Nonsense About Beauty Being Only Skin Deep. That's Deep Enough. What Do You Want, An Adorable Pancreas?

In Just Two Days, Tomorrow Will Be Yesterday

Indecision Is The Key To Flexibility

Is It Possible To Be Totally Partial?

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

It May Be That Your Sole Purpose In Life Is Simply To Serve As A Warning To Others

[nChrist]

   

Slow down some - I'm reloading.

[nChrist]

Groaners??

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

11. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

12. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

13. How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow? His dog is blind too.

14. Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want a drink named Larry?"

[nChrist]

Redneck Love Letter

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more
than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these just won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...
it's a new troll'n motor!!

Author Unknown[/b]

[nChrist]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo.  Someone has stolen tent."

(My favorite today - )

[SelahJoy]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo.  Someone has stolen tent."

(My favorite today - )

I love it!  

i "can't wait" to have a funny to add to this thread!  

selahjoy*