Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Someone asked : What do you want written on your tomb stone?

Veracity answered: Well...since this is the joke thread...

"Wish you were here"  


Now thats FUNNY!  I`m seriously considering it...

    

Another one:  "I told you I was sick!"

[Shylynne]

  I just went to look in the mirror, and I'm still me - just with a different user name on the forum. Yes, Shammu is also a name change, but we're the same crew. This should give you a hint:

 

This must be the house of mirrors, cause that cop is much taller and thinner than I remember...

[nChrist]

This must be the house of mirrors, cause that cop is much taller and thinner than I remember...

   Is this more like it?

[nChrist]

Scout's Letter Home

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 2 of our tents and 4 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened. Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Web got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching brother Doug how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Bruce and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Dave

[nChrist]

Child Perspective On Retirement

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retired and they moved to Florida.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retirement and says I should work hard so I can be retired some day, too. when I earn my retirement I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

[nChrist]

Grandmother On The Stand

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across he room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[nChrist]

Charity Better Than Expected

Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.

When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained: "The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian church!"

[nChrist]

Goober With A Pager

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

[nChrist]

What Is That?

A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.

Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"

The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."

So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"

The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad. You gotta be kiddin me. You really don't recognize them?" The father replied, "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar - it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."

The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what on earth is that thing!?"

Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...

[HisDaughter]

600 Hundred Story Hotel

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

 

[nChrist]

   Tom and Dick might be thinking about the quickest way down for Harry.

[HisDaughter]

  Tom and Dick might be thinking about the quickest way down for Harry.

[HisDaughter]

A sloth calls the police to report that he was attacked and robbed by a gang of turtles. When the police ask him to describe the attack, he replies:

"I.....Doooon't.....knoooow...
It... all... happened..... soooooo ... fasssst....."

[HisDaughter]

Q. How do you address the most powerful Muslim in the world?
A. Mr. President.

Q. What is the Obama Administration's official term for Muslim terrorist?
A. The victim.

Q. What's the definition of a Muslim?
A. A person who does not believe infidels should have as much fun as they do.

Q. What is the current position of Homeland Security regarding terror?
A. If you see a terrorist about to blow himself up, go up to him and say, "Hey! Stop that."

Q. How did the Muslim mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A. Fuse in the front!

[nChrist]

Q. How do you address the most powerful Muslim in the world?
A. Mr. President.

Q. What is the Obama Administration's official term for Muslim terrorist?
A. The victim.

Q. What's the definition of a Muslim?
A. A person who does not believe infidels should have as much fun as they do.

Q. What is the current position of Homeland Security regarding terror?
A. If you see a terrorist about to blow himself up, go up to him and say, "Hey! Stop that."

Q. How did the Muslim mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A. Fuse in the front!

UM? - I think this is a documentary instead of a joke.