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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
277872 Posts in 26491 Topics by 3790 Members
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Author Topic: Laughter - Good Medicine  (Read 178757 times)
HisDaughter
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« Reply #2820 on: December 15, 2009, 12:25:30 PM »

A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and
they proceed to swap sea stories.  The sailor notes the
pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook.

"So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose
that leg?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me
overboard.  Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off
and I've had this peg leg ever since."

"Wow!" says the sailor.  "And how'd you get the hook?"

"We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate.  "Some
scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had
this hook ever since."

"Amazing!" says the sailor.  "And what about the eye patch?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate.  "'Twas a seagull pooped in me
eye."

"A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.

"Well, I should explain," says the pirate.  "'Twas me first
day with the new hook."


                           
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nChrist
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« Reply #2821 on: December 15, 2009, 04:28:28 PM »

A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and
they proceed to swap sea stories.  The sailor notes the
pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook.

"So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose
that leg?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me
overboard.  Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off
and I've had this peg leg ever since."

"Wow!" says the sailor.  "And how'd you get the hook?"

"We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate.  "Some
scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had
this hook ever since."

"Amazing!" says the sailor.  "And what about the eye patch?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate.  "'Twas a seagull pooped in me
eye."

"A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.

"Well, I should explain," says the pirate.  "'Twas me first
day with the new hook."


                           

 Grin  ROFL! I hate it when that happens.

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HisDaughter
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« Reply #2822 on: December 16, 2009, 02:05:59 PM »

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well
over 90 mph.  "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel,
"Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road
behind them.

"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

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HisDaughter
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« Reply #2823 on: December 16, 2009, 02:08:35 PM »

"I'm offended by political jokes.  Too often they get
elected."

     - Henny Youngman

                 
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nChrist
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« Reply #2824 on: December 16, 2009, 02:22:43 PM »

 Grin   Grin   ROFL! Yes, I might have a few contributions.

Flagpole Height

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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« Reply #2825 on: December 16, 2009, 02:26:31 PM »

SMART BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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« Reply #2826 on: December 18, 2009, 11:27:02 AM »

The Pope, a Monsignor, and a young priest were hanging out
in the Pope's office talking.

Suddenly, through a partially closed door, they see Jesus
Christ himself strolling down the hall.  They look at each
other aghast.

The Pope strides across the office, sits down at a
typewriter and starts banging away at it.

Over the clatter, the Monsignor shakily asks "Your
Holiness, what are you doing?!  That's Jesus himself
coming down the hall!".

The Pope, still typing away, looks up and says
testily, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm
gonna look real busy."
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« Reply #2827 on: December 27, 2009, 11:16:34 AM »

....more Church Bulletin Bloopers!

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It is a good chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house.  Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping
and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer
with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church
in Racine.  Name: Bertha Belch.  Announcement: "Come
tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."




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nChrist
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« Reply #2828 on: December 29, 2009, 02:54:52 PM »

 Grin   Grin   ROFL!

Quote
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It is a good chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house.  Bring your husbands.

WHOA! - Don't let my wife read this.
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« Reply #2829 on: December 29, 2009, 06:26:15 PM »

Self-Serve Christmas

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!

Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!

(Small Print:  Oooophs!)
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« Reply #2830 on: December 29, 2009, 06:27:21 PM »

Organizational Changes At The North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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« Reply #2831 on: December 29, 2009, 06:28:17 PM »

Top Ten Holiday Gifts Things To Say

10) Hey! There's a gift.

9.) Well, well, well...

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.) I really don't deserve this.
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« Reply #2832 on: December 29, 2009, 06:29:17 PM »

The Congregation Replied

Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
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« Reply #2833 on: January 02, 2010, 05:29:55 PM »

Summer Job Hunt

My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.

Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper.

I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"
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« Reply #2834 on: January 02, 2010, 05:31:18 PM »

Drug Store Questions

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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