Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Liquor Manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all bottles and cans:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends leave.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other people around you without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting pulverized.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol will make you believe that you are tougher, smarter, faster and more handsome than some really, really big guy named TINY.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

[nChrist]

Milk Switch

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"

(Small Print:  This one might be a groaner, but it will take everyone a while to figure it out.)   

[nChrist]

Traffic Laughs

* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

* It's useless to print road maps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.

(More Small Print:  I thought this one was pretty serious.)   

[nChrist]

Garage Wow

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

[nChrist]

Elementary Motherhood

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.

2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.

3. Mostly to clean the house.

4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We are related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.


What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.


How did your mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.


What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.

2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.


Describe the world's greatest mom?

1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.

2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.

3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.


Is anything about your mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3. Just her children.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.

(Small Print:  Guys, we take no responsibility for anyone silly enough to show this to their mothers.)   

[nChrist]

Money Worries

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[nChrist]

I Love My Job

I Love My Job

(apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.

I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.

I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.

I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.

I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.

I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.

I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:

These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!

[nChrist]

Cops and Robbers

Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day".

[nChrist]

Shakespearean in Dallas

A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"   

[nChrist]

Surgical Tools

To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.

After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.

Finally he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"

The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."  (GROAN)

[nChrist]

Bank Arrangements

Who knows if this is true. Just the same, it's funny!

I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)

[nChrist]

Kidnapped

Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.

When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."

[nChrist]

Yard Sale Anger

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.

"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

[nChrist]

Lost

Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Steve spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp.

"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."

(UM? - Educational)

[nChrist]

Pig Call

A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the head hog at the trough there?"

The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."

"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund."

The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."