Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart'n'pie!

What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter!

What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!

What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!

What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!

What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mom gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!

Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!

What do golfers use in China?
China tees!

What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy!

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!

In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!
Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!

Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!

[Shammu]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the turkey that pushed me in!'

[Shammu]

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Dang, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Moly, a talking muffin!"
~~~~~~~~~

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying turkey told you I was speeding too.

[Shammu]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HE BREWS"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

[kernowlyn]

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

[HisDaughter]

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

[HisDaughter]

Job Competition:

Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test. At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office. "I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?" asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "The other gentleman answered Question #5, 'I don't know.' Your answer to Question #5 was, 'Neither do I.'" ...

[HisDaughter]

Three ministers, an Irish Priest, a Southern Baptist, and a Rabbi, would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, the comment was made that preaching to people isn't really that hard but that preaching to a bear would be a real challenge. Well, one thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they met in the hospital to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery shows up with various bandages on, his arm in a sling and on crutches. He is the first to describe his experience with preaching to a bear.

"Welllll," he says, in his fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him, Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next from his wheelchair. He had an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he recounted his story.

"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a right big baar. An I began to read him from God's HOOOOULY WORD! But that baar wanted nuttin to do wit me. I SAY NO! He wanted nuttin to do wit me. So I took hold o him and we commensed to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP tuther and DOWN agin, til we come to a crick. I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jis like you sez, he wuz geentle as a lamb. We spent nigh goin on a week in fellership, feasting on God's HOOOOULY word."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in the hospital bed. He was in a full body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi musters all of his strength to explain.

"Well friends, the preaching part was easy, but the bear got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

[HisDaughter]

When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school. Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it. She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you !"

[HisDaughter]

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!" A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

 
 

[Danny C]

Husband to Wife....Why did God make you so beautiful yet so dumb?
Wife to Husband....Well dear He made me beautiful so you would marry me and dumb so that I would marry you.

[Danny C]

Two words for a perfect Husband to learn


YES DEAR!

[HisDaughter]

An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DIGGITY DOG DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

[Shammu]

Two words for a perfect Husband to learn


YES DEAR!

[Shammu]

Giraffe Test

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three question s correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and  you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.


Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.