Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

[nChrist]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you", said the Nun. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

    

GROAN!

(Small Print:  Don't tell her that I'm still laughing.)

[HisDaughter]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief. "No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

[HisDaughter]

Five Important Tips For Women

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2.It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[David_james]

Five Important Tips For Women

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2.It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

6. It is important to treasure a man who has all 4 qualities.

[HisDaughter]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

[HisDaughter]

Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!
     
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.
     
When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys
     
They had come for my wallet*
They wanted my pay*
To give to the others*
Who had not worked a day!*
     
He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink
     
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
     
On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!
     
They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DIDN'T WANT SOCIALISM
WHY DID YOU GIVE OBAMA YOUR VOTE?

[HisDaughter]

Barack Obama's Fake Birth Certificate

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. He's deciding which of his names (Barack Barry Hussein Obama Soetoro) to put on it.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. The ink isn't dry yet.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. Hillary Clinton won't give it back to him.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. He wants to surprise us at his swearing in.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. He accidently smoked it.

***

Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?

A. It shows that he didn't have a virgin birth.

***

Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?

A. It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded.

[HisDaughter]

1. If you have ever chuckled at his middle name, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

2. If you ever ridiculed the assertion that tire gauges lower gas prices, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

3. If you ever laughed at the claim that he campaigned in 57 states, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

4. If you ever suggested that the "Vero Possemus" campaign signs had something to do with possums, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

5. If you ever downloaded the video of him bowling a 37 in front of reporters, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

6. If you ever shared the video comparing him to Paris Hilton, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

7. If you ever cracked wise about his cocaine use, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. (Joking about Dubya's alleged cocaine use is politically correct.)

8. If you ever made fun of his big ears, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. (Joking about Perot's big ears is politically correct.)

9. If you ever said that the look on his wife's face could curdle fresh milk, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. (Joking about Cindy McCain's face is politically correct.)

10. If you ever noted that his pastor acted like he was on Def Comedy Jam, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

[HisDaughter]

Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"

--------------------
Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”
Barack Obama says, “Leave the bucks here!”
--------------------
Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi?
A. He thinks that things go better with coke.

Q. Why wouldn’t Barack salute the American flag?
A. It was ours.

Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A. He thought Barry sounded too American.
 
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Barack Obama.
------------------------

[HisDaughter]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

---------------------------
Proof that Barack is the Obamessiah

Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.

Obama created new states from out of the void.

Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.

Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.

Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.

Obama's flock has millions of sheep.

Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.

You must have no other candidates before Obama.

Obama has raise voters from the dead. Count on it.

[HisDaughter]

Vote for Barack Obama

Q. Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Jimmy doesn't want to be the worst President in history.


Q. Why will Senator Hillary Clinton vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he stole the primary election fair and square.

Q. Why will Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.


Q. Why will Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.


Q. Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he's running out of George Bush jokes.


Q. Why will David Letterman vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he's running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes.


Q. Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because she's running out of other crazy things to do.


Q. Why will Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama?
A. Brain tumor.


Q. Will Senator Larry Craig vote for Barack Obama?
A. He'll stall first.


Q. How will Osama Bin Laden vote for Barack Obama?
A. Absentee ballot.


Q. Why will Bill Ayers vote for Barack Obama?
A. Bill thinks Obama's the bomb.


Q. Why will sharks vote for Barack Obama?
A. Professional courtesy.

[nChrist]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

THANKS GRAMMYLUV! - I needed these laughs! The above is my favorite and I'm still laughing.

[sentry]

A woodpecker was flying all around trying to find just the right tree, of course he found it and was pecking away. He was so happy and was chirping to all the other birds how good he was.  While he was so busy bragging about himself it started to cloud up.  Then the rain began to pour down but he kept right on pecking on his tree.  Then all of a sudden a bolt of lighting hit the tree and split it right down the middle. All the other birds stared in disbelief to see that he was still alive, he saw them looking and knew he had to say something - "See how good I am, look what I did, split that tree right down the middle".

[nChrist]

A woodpecker was flying all around trying to find just the right tree, of course he found it and was pecking away. He was so happy and was chirping to all the other birds how good he was.  While he was so busy bragging about himself it started to cloud up.  Then the rain began to pour down but he kept right on pecking on his tree.  Then all of a sudden a bolt of lighting hit the tree and split it right down the middle. All the other birds stared in disbelief to see that he was still alive, he saw them looking and knew he had to say something - "See how good I am, look what I did, split that tree right down the middle".

       LOL! THANKS!  I've got to find some jokes to repay the kindness of those providing some laughs. I must warn everyone that I like groaners.