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nChrist
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« Reply #90 on: November 05, 2003, 06:17:51 PM » |
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Headlines - Real?
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG
COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW
COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH
JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
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Brother Love
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« Reply #91 on: November 06, 2003, 05:42:45 AM » |
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Photogenic?
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
How True LOL  Brother Love |
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nChrist
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« Reply #92 on: November 12, 2003, 02:29:37 AM » |
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In Hot Pursuit:
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
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nChrist
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« Reply #93 on: November 12, 2003, 02:30:50 AM » |
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Deputy Gomer:
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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nChrist
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« Reply #94 on: November 12, 2003, 02:32:02 AM » |
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Bubba & Earl:
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
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nChrist
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« Reply #95 on: November 12, 2003, 02:33:31 AM » |
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A BLONDE POLICE STOP:
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
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Brother Love
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« Reply #96 on: November 12, 2003, 06:07:19 AM » |
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In Hot Pursuit:
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
Another Good One Brother BEP Brother Love |
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #97 on: November 19, 2003, 05:06:34 PM » |
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If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?  |
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nChrist
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« Reply #98 on: November 19, 2003, 10:14:30 PM » |
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Good one Ambassador4Christ. Now for my groaner: The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate: There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate." The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my rear end!"
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Brother Love
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« Reply #99 on: November 22, 2003, 05:44:33 AM » |
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Good one Ambassador4Christ. Now for my groaner: The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate: There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate." The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my rear end!" LOL Brother Love |
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nChrist
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« Reply #100 on: November 23, 2003, 01:23:46 PM » |
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You had to know, so here it is: What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line? A full set of teeth! |
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Forrest
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« Reply #101 on: November 23, 2003, 02:40:59 PM » |
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You had to know, so here it is: What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line? A full set of teeth! GGGrrrooonnn Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed? A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey. |
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Your Brother In Christ Forrest  ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.  |
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Forrest
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« Reply #102 on: November 23, 2003, 02:54:54 PM » |
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Father O'Malley and friends
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Your Brother In Christ Forrest ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. |
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Forrest
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« Reply #103 on: November 23, 2003, 02:56:30 PM » |
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DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
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Your Brother In Christ Forrest ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. |
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Forrest
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« Reply #104 on: November 23, 2003, 03:08:02 PM » |
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Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, here some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?
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The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
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Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
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Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
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Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
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Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
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Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
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Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
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A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
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Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
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You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
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Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
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Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.
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Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
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Screen.
Mind.
Both are blank.
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Your Brother In Christ Forrest ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. |
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