Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Military Thoughts - Real?:

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instructions printed on a US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo

 

In Christ,
Tom

[Brother Love]

Military Thoughts - Real?:

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instructions printed on a US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo

 

In Christ,
Tom

My Favorite one is the last one:

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo

Brother Love

[Forrest]

LETTER TO THE BANK
 
Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times:
 
 
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check, with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.
 
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded faceless entity, which your bank has become.
 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.
 
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for
Authorized Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
 
In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number, which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits, but again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
Let me level the playing field even further. When calling, please press
buttons as follows:
 
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
 
#2. To query a missing payment.
 
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
 
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
 
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
 
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
 
#7. To leave a message on my computer; a password will be required to
access my computer. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
 
#8. To return to the main menu or to listen to options 1 through 7
again.
 
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The person calling me will
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. I
will be contacting you shortly with the amount. In the meantime, may I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
 
Your Humble Client,
______________________________________________

[nChrist]

Christmas Groaners:

What's another name for Santa's Little Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why don't elves just buy the toys with money?
Because they're a little short!

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claws!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

What do elves learn in school?
The Elfabet

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What is Santa's dog's name?
Santa Paws

[Brother Love]

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY            

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one of the boys as he put the pecans in two piles.

While they were dividing up the pecans several more dropped and rolled down >toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, >one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we >can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter >and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
........ They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike

 

[Ambassador4Christ]

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.
She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed:
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer?  We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"  

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Thanks Brother, I really needed that laugh today.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Ambassador4Christ]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  
 

[nChrist]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  
 

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Ambassador4Christ,

       OH NO!! - I have one of those that goes for 30 days!!  LOL

Love In Christ,
Tom

[sincereheart]

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had problem with His children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: "DON'T!"
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit.", God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father, and I said so," God replied--wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break, and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" asked the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it," Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then, you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Parents of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"  

[JudgeNot]

The Monk

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had awakened him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. you're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way.

During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.

The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound.

He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...
......

......


......



......




But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk!

[The Crusader]

Good one JudgeNot


The Crusader

[sincereheart]

As Simple as it Gets
(A Father Daughter Talk)

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the middle of her heartfelt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point blank how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend and didn’t have really many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Mary?” She replied, “Mary is barely getting by,” she continued, “All she has is barely a 2.0 GPA” adding “and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies.” But to explain further she continued emotionally, “But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast! She goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn’t even show up for classes because she is too hung over.”

Her father then asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0?” He continued, “That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair, equal distribution of GPA…” The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing! She played while I worked really hard!”

The father slowly smiled and said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
 

[nChrist]

Politically Correct Male Put-Downs:

He doesn't have a beer gut; he has a liquid grain storage facility.


He's not quiet or shy; he's a conversational minimalist.


He's not stupid; he's cranial developmentally challenged.


He doesn't get lost; he discovers alternative destinations.


He's not balding; he's in follicle regression.