Laughter - Good Medicine

[Willowbirch]

A little boy just couldn't learn.  One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence.  He didn't know.  For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office.  "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained.

"Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy.  "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!"  

[Willowbirch]

HOW COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE
 THINGS? :::::
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was
 invented. It was ruled
 "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" .....and
 thus the word GOLF entered
 into the English language.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The first couple to be shown in bed together on
 prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
 than the US Treasury.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Men can read smaller print than women can;
 women can hear better.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Coca-Cola was originally green
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 It is impossible to lick your elbow.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The State with the highest percentage of people
 who walk to work:
 Alaska
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
 28% (now get this)....The
 percentage of North America that is wilderness:
 38%
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
 age of eleven: $6,400
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The average number of people airborne over the
 US any given hour:
 61,000

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in
 their hair.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and
 lived in China in 1910.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The youngest pope was 11 years old.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The first novel ever written on a typewriter:
 Tom Sawyer.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The San Francisco Cable cars are the only
 mobile National Monuments.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
 a great king from
 history:
 Spades - King David
 Hearts - Charlemagne
 Clubs -Alexander, the Great
 Diamonds - Julius Caesar
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
 12,345,678,987,654,321
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
 has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
 If the horse
 has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
 of wounds received
 in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground,
 the person died of
 natural causes.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Only two people signed the Declaration of
 Independence on July 4th,
 John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
 signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
 until 5 years
 later.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles
 of what?
 A. Their birthplace
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is
 the most popular boat name requested?
 A. Obsession
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far
 would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
 A. One thousand
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
 windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
 A. All invented by women.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
 A. Honey
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Which day are there more collect calls than
 any other day of the year?
 A. Father's Day
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured
 on bed frames by ropes.
 When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
 making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase
 "goodnight, sleep
 tight."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000
 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's
 father would
 supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
 Mead is a honey beer
 and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
 was called the
 honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and
 quarts...So in old England,
 when customers got unruly, the bartender would
 yell at them: "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle
 down. It's where
 we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had
 a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic
 cups. When
 they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
 service.. "Wet your
 whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
 At least 75% of people who read this will try
 to lick their elbow

[Willowbirch]

Kid's Voices
 =============
 
 Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult
 voices?
 
 Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm
 hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
 
 As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children
 in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm.
 I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
 
 The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was
 O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was
 expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
 
 They said OK.
 
 After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children
 picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
 
 Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to
 wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
 waiting for their arriving passengers.
 
 As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
 shouting,
 
 "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
 
 As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
 
 Alex shouted,
 
 "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
 
 The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
 looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of
 the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom
 was.
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about
 her then 4-year-old daughter.
 
 On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on
 the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
 with it.
 
 "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to
 follow in my footsteps!"
 
 Then the child spoke into the instrument:
 "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
 "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
 
 Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
 "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
 
 The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
 "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
 
 She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
 the boys?"
 
 Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
 too rough."
 
 The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
 "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were
 on the way to church service,
 
 "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
 
 One bright little girl replied,
 
 "Because people are sleeping."

[Willowbirch]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.  He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night?"  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.  As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.   Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.  That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.  The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right.  I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"   The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.  When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task.  Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.  He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.  There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."v The monks reply, "Congratulations.  You are now a monk.  We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.  He says, "Real funny.  May I have the key?"  The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man demands the key to the stone door.  The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.  Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end.  He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.  

[Willowbirch]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long
weekend to thaw out last winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel they spent their honeymoon 29 years before. Because both had jobs
they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was
decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his
wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the
husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he
decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the e-mail
without realizing his error. In Houston a widow had just returned from
her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been
called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her
e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the
first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read, To: My
Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived
You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope
your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here!

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Willowbirch,

     ROFL - Thanks, I needed that laugh.

By the way, YOU GOT ME, I can't lick my elbow.  

In Christ,
Tom

[Brother Love]

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic.

Brother Love

AMEN! Brother. If we counted our blessings, we wouldn't have time to think about our problems.

In Christ,
Tom

Amen Bro

Brother Love

[nChrist]

Truths Learned By Children:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

[nChrist]

Truths Learned By Adults:

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

[nChrist]

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline! :

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[nChrist]

Things to do on an Elevator:

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: 'Shut up, all of you just shut UP!'

Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'Is that your beeper?'

Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

[Brother Love]

3 Good Ones BEP

Brother Love

[nChrist]

3 Good Ones BEP

Brother Love

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

Thanks Brother. I didn't think they were my usual groaners.  

In Christ,
Tom

[nChrist]

We're having a dinner catered at our house this week end.  The chef is "Wheels" Pierre.  He's the chef at the local Road Kill Cafe (you kill it we grill it).

The Menu Choices:

    Center Line Bovine
           real good right from the hood

    Chicken
           that didn't cross the road

    Flat Cat
           single or in a stack

Dessert

    Road Toad Ala Mode

They also have a daily special

    "Guess That Mess"
           free if you can guess what it is

[nChrist]

Rumored Corporate Mergers:
 
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems.  

This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Proposed merger:   Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

Rumored merger:   Wurlitzer with Xerox.  They are going to market reproductive organs.

Possible merger:   Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merger:   mmmGood

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining:
Dip Audi Do Da

Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts

Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck

White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags