Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

       Dreamweaver, all I have is a few more groaners. By the way, stealing toilets is a very bad thing to do to a cop.

I would never do such a thing.  

Don't Step On A Duck!

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON"T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

confused, they all ask "um...what?"

St. Peter says "if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

she gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

I love this one out of all the jokes here.

[Shammu]

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings. As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was, "Don't scurry, be hoppy."

[Shammu]

These two rabbits escape from the laboratory and see grass for the first time. Lollopy, lollopy, lollopy, lop, they bounce through the grass when they meet an older rabbit. "Hello," says the older rabbit. "Would you like to come and stay at my warren?"
"What's a warren?" ask the two rabbits.
"Don't worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see." So off they go and they like the tunnels and chambers of the older rabbit's warren, and decide to stay. In the morning, the two rabbits are awaken by the thumping of the older rabbit: thump thump thump. "Come on out for the cabbages," calls the older rabbit.
"What's a cabbage?" ask the two rabbits. So off they go and enjoy the day in the fields eating cabbages. They return very satisfied with their tummies full of cabbage and agree a good day was had. The following day: thump thump thump, "Come on out for the cabbages", and the same for the day after that. By the end of the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "These cabbages are good but there must be more to life. Let's go and find it." Rabbit two agrees, so off they go lollopy lollopy lollopy lop across the grass. They meet a younger rabbit. "Hello," says the younger rabbit. "Why don't you come and live in my warren. I got young girly rabbits in my warren." So they agree and for three days, it was thump thump thump. By the end of the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "Oh man, I gotta get out of here." "WHY?!?" asks rabbit two. "
This is the best time of our lives!" he exclaims. "Yeah," says rabbit one, "but it has been a week since I've had a cigarette."

[Shammu]

AP May 31, 2004 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for, "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced

by over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept going and going and going,...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

[Shammu]

A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, wich happenes to be a salon. He says to the hair dresser, "I've just hit and killed a rabbit in the midle of the road! What should I do?" He hairstylist think a moment, then says "I think I have just the thing." He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents ono the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hopps of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdreser in amazement and says, "Wow! What did you do?" "Oh," the stylist responded, " I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!"

[Shammu]

A few Groaners.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
A: Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!

This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat!

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"

[Shammu]

A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why?
The rabbit had two b's already.

Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?
Alike did was stand around making faces.

[Shammu]

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
He's the Easter Bungee!

Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare!

Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
He was a millionhare!

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Look for gray hares.

[Shammu]

How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end?
It was won by a hare!

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion?
It had a lot of hare pins!

How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed?
You can smell the carrots on his breath.

How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?
When it has hares in it.

How do you make a rabbit fast?
Don't feed it.

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Keep it waiting.

How far can a rabbit run into the woods?
Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.

[nChrist]

     Dreamweaver - I might have a few more groaners.

______________________

(Groan)
The Tourist

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

[nChrist]

Fill Up:

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

[nChrist]

Blonde Calls 911

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

[nChrist]

The Movies:

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

[Shylynne]

speaking of painful....these jokes....

[Shammu]

speaking of painful....these jokes....

Heres one for you Shylynne

Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" "Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!"  

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? .... A MILK DUD!

My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...

And now she thinks she's a horse.

What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains